1979 / 89 Minutes / PG
Reviewed by Jason Jones

You can’t help but love Arnie. There’s just something about the guy. I’m not even sure what it is, but what I do know is that I love watching his movies. So much so that, when I heard that one of his early films was a Western that also involved the talents of Kirk Douglas, I immediately made my way to the local video store on the outside chance that they would have it available for rental.

Amazingly enough, lurking just below a copy of “Thunderbolt and Lightfoot” with “Eastwood” in huge letters on the cover, was “The Villain” starring Kirk Douglas and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Make no mistake about it. This movie is nothing to write home about. It’s a spoof of the Western genre and a pretty poor one at that, but thanks to the presence of Arnie and an incredibly gorgeous Ann Margret there is some enjoyment to be found here.

The haphazard plot involves the most worthless villain in the history of villainy, Cactus Jack (Douglas), attempting to prevent Handsome Stranger (Schwarzenegger) from guiding Charming Jones (Ann Margret), and a large sum of cash, home to her father Parody (Strother Martin). Jack has been hired to do this by a crooked bank owner (Jack Elam), who is so crooked that he doesn’t keep any money in the bank, because he doesn’t trust them. Apparently, if the money doesn’t make it home to Parody, then the banker gets ownership of the hill that Parody has been mining. This would not be good for Parody since, according to him, “the hill has enough silver in it to make a St. Louis hooker happy.” I don’t know how much silver it takes to make a St. Louis hooker happy, but I have a feeling it’s a lot.

The plot really does nothing more than provide a loose framework for Jack to make like the Wile E. Coyote of the Old West. He is so inept that he can’t even jump on top of a train like any proper black clad villain. One part that was actually funny happens when Jack tries to blow the bank safe at the beginning of the movie. Instead of blowing the lock on the safe, he only manages to blow the bank itself to bits and leave the safe standing unscathed. There was also a part late in the movie when he paints a rock wall black, a la Wile E. Coyote, in the hopes of stopping Arnie only to see him ride right through the wall. I probably shouldn’t have laughed, but I did anyway.

The reason I laughed is simple. It was because of Arnie. He just looks so happy in this movie that you can’t help but smile whenever you see him. The first time he shows up is hilarious in ways I can’t quite describe. Just picture Arnie duded up in a white cowboy outfit that looks like it’s about five sizes too small, a 10 gallon hat and a huge grin on his face. Outfitted like the Handsome Stranger that he is, he proceeds to help a little old lady across the street against her will and also orders what appears to be an entire cow for dinner. Before he can enjoy his meal though, he is beckoned to the train station to meet the incredibly voluptuous, curvaceous creature that is Ann Margret. They promptly set off with cash in tow and Cactus Jack attempting to foil their plans every step of the way.

Probably the most laughable thing about this movie is the fact that Jack is constantly trying to sabotage them along their way and Arnie never even notices his efforts until the very end when they finally meet face to face. Aside from that, most of the jokes fall pretty flat with the exception of the site gags provided by Jack’s horse and a shifty Indian Chief who rides around on a Clydesdale bearing a Swastika on its chest, while spouting phrases like “Piss on the white man!” in a voice that sounds disturbingly like what I imagine a constipated Howard Cosell would sound like.

This film has its moments. Granted they are few and far between, but they are there nonetheless. Mainly they are thanks to the efforts of Arnie who, as always, gives himself completely to the role regardless of its ridiculous nature. If you’re a fan of Arnie then you owe it to yourself to see his one and only Western. If you’re not a big fan of Arnie then you would be wise to steer clear of this one in your quest for laughter, as it provides far less than the necessary number of laughs to make it worth your time.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 21st, 2002 at 2:19 pm and is filed under Jason's Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.