2003 / 97 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

Remember the movie “Heat”? Yeah, you do, don’t lie. Why did you watch that movie? Was it to see an intelligently layered heist film? A meditation on criminals and the men who catch them and how there isn’t really that much of a difference between the two? Not likely. It was to see DeNiro face off against Pacino and see, once and for all, which was the better actor. Right? I mean, come on. If the movie had been just as good and starred Soupy Sales and Dan Aykroyd, would anyone have cared? No way in hell. Well, aside from the fact that “Heat” was a well layered and remarkably crafted film and “Freddy Vs. Jason” is a giant piece of crap for the most part, the reasons for seeing both films are basically the same. Except that in this case, we aren’t going in order to find out if Freddy or Jason is a better actor. We’re going to see, once and hopefully for all, which one is the bigger bad ass.

Okay, I’ll be honest: I’ve only seen a single “Nightmare on Elm Street” film (the third one, or maybe the second one, I don’t know, all I remember is he used one of the kids like a puppet and there was a naked nurse fantasy in it) and I’ve only seen one of the million “Friday the 13th” movies (the laughable “Jason X”, which probably doesn’t even qualify as a true Jason movie). But I am passably familiar with both Freddy and Jason. Freddy is America’s favorite child molesting burn victim and apparently attacks people in their dreams. Jason is a hockey mask-wearing psychopath who had some problems at a summer camp some years back. Or so I think. So for no reason I can quite place my finger on, I ended up in attendance at the film “Freddy Vs. Jason”. And, even with my lack of crappy movie viewing, I was able to follow it fairly well. As well as anyone else could, anyway.

The plot, such as it is, involves Freddy recruiting Jason to kill a bunch of people on Elm Street, making it look like he did it, so he can once again use this as a way to infiltrate the dreams of hapless (and horny, I guess) teenagers and kill them in new and interesting ways. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me, but I suppose it was the only way that the producers could shoehorn these two horror icons into the same package deal, so I shall let it slide. From there, it’s basically the same old, same old. Jason kills. Freddy kills. Teenagers make out, get killed, then try to figure out what is happening to them and why. That’s basically it. Well, eventually, Freddy gets perturbed because Jason is murdering all of his intended fodder and decides that it is time to teach Jason a lesson.

The teenage actors in this film are all fairly worthless. There is a character that appears to be a poor man’s Jay from the Kevin Smith movies and another character that seems rather like an amateur-hour Jack Black. Oh, and the lead woman has a really glorious rack. We never actually get to see it, but its presence is in every scene, barely contained by some of the tightest sweaters that the fashion industry has ever produced. In much the same way that Angelina Jolie’s ample sweater cows were the stars of the first “Tomb Raider”, this woman’s breasts are the true stars of this bit of cinema. I look forward to seeing them play a prominent role in other motion pictures, perhaps even liberating themselves from the confines of these sweaters to truly make themselves known. A star is born in this gorgeous woman’s chest, and it’s truly a remarkable thing to see, particularly in a very nice slow motion scene toward the end of the film. These mammary steal the picture, I don’t mind saying, as well as a couple of other noteworthy nude scenes tossed into the mix of this film.

The nude scenes aren’t the only things to recommend this film, but they are by far the most fun to watch. The big showdown between Freddy and Jason takes a long time to come, but when it does finally occur, it really isn’t worth the wait. Much has been made of it, but you know that neither of these characters is truly going to triumph. Come on. Neither of them ended up dying or going to hell when the other movie titles promised that they would, why would either of them end up definitively dying this time. The showdown has some nice moments, but it’s mostly without suspense, because neither movie franchise wants to call it quits just yet, not when they can squeeze a few more bucks out of their teenage audience. The usual amounts of gore and sex are served up, but in the end, we really haven’t been treated to anything new. It’s the same old, same old, except that instead of sitting through two lackluster horror outings, we get a single movie that does the work of both. The film was amusing, for the most part, and it does prove which of these movie characters is truly the definitive badass (neither is dispatched eternally, but one does get the upper hand over the other) and I suppose that is enough. My main complaint is that the film wastes too much time on teenage characters that aren’t even one-dimensional. Who cares about the teenagers in this film? We came here to see Freddy and Jason, after all, not these whiny losers. None of the actors really do a good job of differentiating these characters from one another either. So they’re basically a waste and we root for their eminent demise.

Which is not to say that the film isn’t amusing, overall, and that it isn’t rather fun to watch. There are some truly hilarious moments (most of them unintentional) and there is some nice gore. And it did make me appreciate Jason at long last. Going into the film, I was rooting for Freddy. But though Freddy is the flashier of the two foes, and has the better wisecracks, it is Jason that you truly begin to root for. His personality is not as blatant, but its better, more subtle, and sneakier. He doesn’t seem to have any personality, but somehow, emoting through his hockey mask with a mountain of angst and a machete to grind, we respect the man.

I wouldn’t dare ruin what little suspense this film might have by telling you who comes out on top. But I know which of these goofballs I like better, I’ve definitely figured that out. And, really, in such a monumentally stupid motion picture, isn’t that good enough?

This entry was posted on Friday, August 15th, 2003 at 5:45 pm and is filed under Dale's Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.