Guilty Parties Involved: Jeff Goldblum, Elizabeth Perkins and directed by the same guy who did “Son of the Mask”. Also has a lot of stars, more than you’d expect actually, for voice talent.

Fun-Crap Rating: 4 out of 10

2001 / 87 Minutes / PG
Reviewed by Ben Heckendorn

Not-so-terrible part: The hero dog is pretty cute, the premise is good.

Really terrible part: The script and plot execution sucks, Jeff Goldblum is a “human wasteland” to quote Will Ferrell/Alex Trebek, some of the effects and animatronics are pretty bad.

Memorable line: “Send in the Ninjas!”

I remember seeing the trailer for this thing years ago in a theatre and laughing pretty hard - it’s a good idea for a movie but unfortunately doesn’t live up to its potential due to the usual insipid “kid’s movie at Warner’s” script. Regardless it was watched at a Shitty Movie Night so here’s the review.

Since the dawn of time (again, as with Catwoman, ancient Egypt) cats and dogs have fought to control the destiny of Mankind. Cats are evil and hell-bent on world domination while dogs are good-natured and fight to stop them. Apparently the dogs have a pretty good “department of homeland security” set up for this, including tactical hubs in every doghouse, a tunnel system, paw-print security doors and even a World Dog Headquarters in the center of Earth governed by a Charlton Heston-voiced mastiff (I swear to God I’m not making that up) The cats however seem unorganized and just kinda prowl around and. I guess try and annoy/kidnap the dogs. (I could relate this to current world events but this movie was released pre 9-11 so that’s not really fair)

The main evil cat is a fluff-ball named, eh, I can’t remember but he talks like Stewie on Family Guy and is owned by an overtly German bedridden man who I guess owns a fake Christmas tree factory (the correlation of that just now comes to me) Evil Cat’s plan is to destroy a formula being concocted by Jeff Goldbulm which can cure all dog allergies in humans, thus making them the pet of choice for the world, dooming cats to obscurity! (Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t being allergic to cats much more common? Maybe I need to get out more.) Jeff Goldblum’s lab comes with the standard equipment of test tubes, dry ice, wires and a robotic female voice explaining the stage of each experiment so the audience can sort of tell what the hell is going on.

Enter our young puppy hero dog voiced by Spider-man himself Tobey Maguire! Through a plot convolution no director in their right mind should expect their target audience of kids to understand he’s become the new pet of Jeff Goldblum’s family, thus thrusting him into the clandestine battleground world of CATS -VS- DOGS! (I can’t believe I just used the word “clandestine”) Granted, it could be worse - it could be the clandestine battleground world of “ECKS -VS- SEVER”, but I digress. Naturally we get the usual set-up of the father to busy for his son (don’t worry, this doesn’t happen while a cat spies on them hidden in a cradle near a silver spoon) and the son rejecting his “new dog” because he still misses the old one. Lines from the kid like “Can YOU talk?” and, upon thinking the dog is dead “You can’t die, you’re my best friend!” might work in a different movie but feel embarrassing and forced in something like this.

The main reason the plot sucks is because every “evil cat plan” revolves around getting into Goldblum’s basement workshop and stealing the formula. This is as limiting as it sounds and makes for a monotonous bore-a-thon. Example: “Send in the Ninjas!” the evil cat commands. Next thing we know we’re in Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Cat Edition as some badly rendered low-rent feline Sam Fisher wanna-be’s (complete with glowing green eyepieces) sneak into Goldblum’s house and fight the Tobey Maguire hero dog. “Hilarity” ensues and he drives them away.

“Send in the Russian” snarls the evil cat, evoking an almost identical line that John Travolta will say a few years later in the also-not-so-good Punisher. Oh boy here comes a cute kitten! Purr.purr.. Wait, he’s got a Vodka-swilling gruff-as-nails Russian accent! Maybe HE can break into Goldblum’s basement with the plastic explosives he smuggled into the house via a fur ball! Oh, why does he need explosives you ask? Well I forgot to mention the basement has a vault-like door, obviously because Goldblum expects everyone to try and steal his formula.

And so on and so on. Eventually the evil cat just kidnaps the Goldblum family (thus negating all the wasted time from the previous plans) and Tobey-Dog, who by now is friends with their son, simply caves in and delivers the formula to the cats. This ensures the end-of-act-2 fight that every movie requires (”You’ve betrayed dogs everywhere and doomed mankind!” “I can’t keep pretending to be something I’m not” yada yada bullshit etc) and sets up the final battle in the fake Christmas tree factory.

Summary: This movie is mildly entertaining on a bad level but is mostly disappointing because had they not pulled any punches it could have been a hilariously dark classic like Gremlins and STILL attracted the kids. Sadly, for every funny dark moment (like the Russian cat tied to a chair under a 300 watt light bulb and being questioned) there’s 10 poop/fart jokes. However “Cats & Dogs” is light-years better than the rancid moves-as-fast-as-a-painting turd pile that was “Garfield: The Movie”. (Which unfortunately soiled a previous Shitty Movie Night and was too worthless to review) Oh well. Maybe if I ever get a chance to do my “Dogs Playing Poker” movie I can show them how it’s done!

Suggested Number of Beers for watching film: 5 per person

Drinking game: Take a drink every time:

1) A collar opens up and reveals a blinking blue LED.
2) The Tobey Maguire dog is referred to as “The Kid”.
3) Jeff Goldblum emerges from the basement wearing a wacky outfit.
4) The Joe Pantoliano dog is seen in his glass cylinder “command center”.
5) The hefty German maid says something stupid to Evil Cat.
6) Stupid “cartoon eyes” are pasted onto an otherwise normal shot of a real animal.
7) The crappy animatronic version of the Joe Pantoliano dog makes you wonder how the Jim Henson Creature shop stays in business.
The Alec Baldwin (yes, Alec Baldwin) dog opens the command module in his doghouse (they must have been proud of that prop).
9) The evil cat is shown wearing a stupid outfit (made by the hefty German maid).
10) Every time a dog walks through the “door” in the wooden fence.

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 22nd, 2005 at 2:55 pm and is filed under Ben's Picks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.