Guilty Parties Involved: Vin Diesel, Keith “You gotta give that baby a REAL name!” David and Thandie Newton. Oh yeah, and get this - JUDI DENCH! (She musta passed on 2 Fast 2 Furious but agreed to this after they caved to her demands of 30 mil)

Fun-Crap Rating: 4 out of 10

2004 / 119 Minutes / PG-13
Reviewed by Ben Heckendorn

Not-so-terrible part: The fact that it ends.

Really terrible part: Color-changing spike-covered CGI dogs. And a lot of other stuff.

Memorable line: At one point Vin Diesel croaks out “It’s been a long time since I smelled beautiful” so you’re wondering if he’s talking about Thandie Newton or should take a bath.

For starters don’t worry. There IS a part in this movie where someone screams out “RIDDICK!!!!” because, as you probably have noticed, it’s actually a law that in a shitty movie the bad guy must scream out the hero’s name. See, it’s perfectly ok for a good guy to scream out a bad guy’s name (ahem, KHHHHAAAANNNNN!!!!! anyone?) but the reverse.. Eh.

Anyway this is a sequel to the cult classic hit “Pitch Black” which kinda launched Vin Diesel’s career. See in Hollywood it’s always considered a “good idea” to make a 100 million dollar sequel to a 20 million dollar sleeper-hit that made 25 million. I think this has only worked once and that was because James “I am a God” Cameron was in charge (Speaking of course about “Terminator 2″).

Unlike T2 Riddick (Chronicles of) was a bomb so I guess they won’t get their precious franchise they were after. So all the time they spend building this mythology in the “world of Pitch Black” is wasted. They’ve got all this stupid crap like “elementals” played by Judi Dench, this planet-conquering Borg-ripoff race of jerks called “Necromongers” trying to convert people, prison planets, pumping your veins with blue anti-freeze to traverse space. WHO CARES?

Damn this is sounding like a normal review - I’d better watch myself! This movie is just kind of “there” The effects aren’t so hot but nothing is so bad that you’ll enjoy it on that level either. The action is all watered-down PG-13 BS (even in the unrated director’s cut) You might get a few laughs from the dialog (aforementioned line about smelling beautiful) but it’s mostly a chore to watch this thing.

Maybe some people would be into this movie but not me, and not even on a Shitty Movie Night level. Usually a lame script and overdone special effects are a sure-fire recipe for badness but here it fizzles on both levels. If you see it to rent for a buck it might be worth it, otherwise there’s plenty of “better” bad movies out there.

Suggested Number of Beers for watching film: 6 per person

Drinking game: Take a drink every time:

1) Riddick takes off or puts on his goggles (Have a strong stomach).
2) You see carved faces (Also have a strong stomach).
3) Someone says “Take the money”.
4) Judi Dench shows up and floats through a scene (Probably between doing episodes of “As Time Goes By”)
5) Thandie Newton’s acting sucks (Drink as soon as she shows up to save time).

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 22nd, 2005 at 3:05 pm and is filed under Ben's Picks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.