This week I’m complaining about:

5 Shitty Remakes Nicole Kidman Could Do Next

NOTE: This was previously going to be a rant about annoying trends started by hit movies, but I figured I if I wanted to bitch about Nicole Kidman and “Bewitched” I’d better do it before the movie bombs (well, in its second weekend) and falls off the radar.

With the newly released “Bewitched” and last year’s “The Stepford Wives” it’s pretty obvious that Nicole Kidman, AKA ex-Mrs. Tom Cruise has a single mantra for the remainder of her career:

“I shall do nothing but shitty remakes!”

And why not? Remakes are all the rage in Hollywood, and probably will be until either audiences grow sick of them or someone actually creative moves to Tinsel town (whichever comes first) In the meantime, why shouldn’t every remake star Nicole Kidman? I mean, it “worked” twice, why not again? With this in mind, here’s 5 Shitty Remakes Nicole Kidman Could Do Next. Aspiring screenwriters, pay attention and call your agents!

“Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf?”

The plot: An alcoholic whore (Kidman) and her pussy-whipped husband (Hm… Russel Crowe?) invite over some young teachers from the campus Crowe works at for a late night of drinking, debauchery and character development.

The Catch: This time, they really DO have a son, who shows up halfway through the movie for revenge (and burgen), turning the film from an insightful adult drama into a thrill-a-minute slasher flick. In the end Kidman has to kill her own son (not a dry eye in the house) by dousing him with her last bottle of gin (thus resolving her alcoholism) and lighting it aflame.

The Tagline: “Son’s Coming Home For Dinner”

“Pretty Woman”

The plot: A down-and-out prostitute (Kidman) gets lucky and has a one-nighter with the man of her dreams, a hunky advertising agent played by Antonio Banderas.

The Catch: Kidman really isn’t a prostitute at all but an elite assassin trained by the Guild of Shadows (or some such guild of BS) since birth to be a cold-blooded killer. It wasn’t fate that brought her and Antonio together – instead he’s her next target! What follows is a romantic comedy / slash action suspense adventure! In the end she predictably falls in love with Antonio and refuses to kill him. The Guild of Shadows doesn’t think very highly of this and thus sends their top TOP assassin (Jason Statham) to take out both her and her boyfriend.

The Tagline: “Nothing Can Stop Her Mission – Nothing But Love”

“Flashdance: The Next Generation”

The plot: Not a remake, but a “re-imagining” of the original 1983 smash hit. Nicole Kidman plays a tough street-smart woman in the down and out streets of Philly (delphia) Working as a welder by day and a legwarmer-wearing vixen by night she follows her dream of becoming a professional dancer and not a stripper like her friend.

The Catch: The whole “welder by day, dancer by night” is a clever ruse to keep people from realizing she’s actually fabricating stuff for the A-Team, specifically, building their ass-kicking weapons and machines so they can chase off (but not kill) criminal masterminds and villains. A synergy-filled merging of two of the hottest franchises from the 80’s!

The Tagline: “I piddy da foo who don’t see dis movie!”

“Cleopatra: Queen of the Fucking World”

The plot: A show-boating sex-bomb Egyptian queen (Kidman) turns Julius Caesar (Harrison Ford) into her personal love slave, thus starting a war between their two nations.

The Catch: Cleopatra, being the queen of the fucking world, is the one who actually plots Caesar’s death so she can cash in on his insurance policy before he annuls their sham marriage. (As an obvious dig at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) Brutus takes the fall but escapes prison to hunt down and kill Cleopatra for revenge. Only her hunky new personal love slave (Orlando Bloom) stands in the way of Brutus and the fair queen.

The Tagline: “She Ruled The World With Iron Thighs”

“The Sound of Music”

The plot: Playing off the success of “Moulin Rouge” Nicole Kidman plays Maria - the Austrian nun with a British accent and a Spanish name – who becomes a nanny for the Von Trapps during World War II and teaches them all to sing, love life and be happy.

The Catch: Kidman really isn’t a nun at all but a secret Nazi agent sent to either bring Commander Von Trapp (Russel Crowe again) into the German Navy or kill him if he refuses! Oh the drama! However she has a splendid singing voice and despite her Nazi-dom falls in love with the children and eventually Von Trapp himself. After a heart-breaking rendition of “Edelweiss” her and the family escape Austria via the Autobahn in a stolen truck containing Heavy Water for the Nazi A-bomb experiments while being chased by Tiger Tanks, Messerschmitt planes and the new experimental “Weapon X”.

The Tagline: “The Hills Are Alive – With the Sound of ACTION!”

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MY NEW RANT!

Entitled:

”10 Annoying Trends Started by Hit Movies”

(Previously to have been this week’s rant, before Nicole Kidman’s post-Oscar “I’ll do ANYTHING for $$$!” rampage both repulsed and inspired me)

This entry was posted on Monday, June 27th, 2005 at 4:42 pm and is filed under Ben Heckendorn. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.