Loading ...What am I waiting for? The 2005 Edition
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Loading ...By Dale Nauertz
Hello friends and neighbors. It’s that time of year again. The time when I enlighten all of you as to the few films yet to arrive in the remaining months of the year that I actually care to see. Last year, you may remember (and if not, you can look last year’s installment up in the Essays section of the site) there wasn’t anything that I was really frothing at the mouth to check out (“The Life Aquatic” was the top of that list by default) but I managed to scare up ten movies all the same. This year is more of the same. Though, I must admit, I am chomping at the bit to see a couple of these. I’m not willing to lose a finger or take time off from work for any of them, but I have a heavy interest. In fact, to illustrate my level of interest, I have devised a color coded system reminiscent of the one our Department of Homeland Security uses to tell you how close to shitting your pants with fear you should be over the latest, vague terrorist threats the CIA has discovered (Go here in case you have no idea what I’m talking about). Therefore, I shall compile several lists; each list organized by the level of interest I have and each level of interest represented by a corresponding color.
Green: signifies films I have no interest in, but which still exist for some reason. I won’t be mentioning them on this list because, really, what’s the point? I don’t care about them, and you shouldn’t either. They were a waste of the filmmaker’s time (from the looks of things) and they shouldn’t bother you either.
Example: “The Man” with Eugene Levy and Samuel L. Jackson.
Blue: I probably won’t mention many of these either. These are films I would not actively flee from if I found myself trapped in a theater where they were playing, but films that I would not, ideally, put myself in a position to see. Unlike the green list, however, I would not be tempted to gnaw my arm off to escape.
Example: “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”. It looks terrible, but I’ll probably end up seeing it someday because I enjoyed the first one. Still, my money could be spent on better things.
Yellow: movies I want to see, sort of. They’re not high priority, but I’m not ruling them out. I may even see them in the theater, if I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time.
Example: “V for Vendetta” with Natalie Portman and some guy in a weird mask overthrowing a fascist government…probably by using “bullet time”.
Orange: these are movies I want to see, and have a great deal of interest in, but if they come out the same weekend as anything on the “Red” list, they’ll have to wait their turn.
Example: “The Legend of Zorro”. Yeah, it’s an unnecessary sequel, but it looks like it could be fun.
Red: Movies I really, really want to see. These are films that I cannot wait for.
Example: “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”.
Now, let the games begin!
RED ALERT FILMS:
1. “Elizabethtown”
Cameron Crowe is one of my personal gods of filmmaking. I’ve never seen a bad film with him at the helm, and I’ve only seen one that was less than amazing (“Singles”). He wrote and directed this story about a man (Orlando Bloom, here’s hoping he can act without carrying a sword…hell, here’s hoping he can ACT) going to a Southern town he’s never been to (the city of the title) to bury his father there. Along the way, he encounters relatives he’s never met and a plucky, charming flight attendant (Kirsten Dunst) who changes his life…or something. It sounds a bit like “Garden State”, but that’s all right. I’d take a warmed-over version of “Garden State” over most things I’ve watched at the theater this year. And with Crowe in charge, I’m sure there will be some unexpected delights that will take this movie to wonderful places you never thought it would or could go. In short, it looks to be a well-written, uplifting movie, the sort that Crowe could probably make with his eyes closed.
2. “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”
I blame Stephen King. Seriously. I’d heard about the Harry Potter books, but I’d never really paid them much mind. I thought they were only for kids. I had known adults who had read them, but not many of them, and they were usually adults with kids anyway. But then I read a book by King called “On Writing”. In the back of that book, he mentioned recent books he thought were well done. The Harry Potter tomes were on that list. For me, you see, King is a gateway writer, the literary equivalent of pot. He’s a great writer, and he’s been my favorite forever. So whenever he recommends a book or a writer, I give them a shot. He’s the reason I had devoured the Potter books (the ones that were out, anyway) within a couple of months. (He’s also the reason I gave a book called “Fargo Rock City” a chance, thanks to a blurb by him on its cover. Now I’m a huge Chuck Klosterman fan. I have a lot of things to thank Steve for.) Needless to say, I’ve seen all the Potter films so far, and I like all of them. The third one has the most artistry, but I admire the slavish adaptations of the first two as well because they are literally (no pun intended) like the books I fell in love with in the first place. Of all the books, “Goblet of Fire” is my favorite thus far. It’s a riveting, action-packed read that develops the characters nicely, has the best set pieces of the series, and is darker than all the rest. It’s like “Harry Potter and the Temple of Doom”, at least in the last couple chapters. The prospect of this phenomenal book being turned into a film has me excited, especially since it’ll be rated PG-13, hopefully preserving the unsettling darkness of the final chapters. Trust me, if it’s even close to the book, it’ll be a great time.
3. “Serenity”
After “Sith” hit theaters, I realized that my main source of sci-fi goodness had come to an end. I therefore ventured out to find new science fiction arenas that would hopefully thrill me half as much, worlds that had leapt from the writers’ imagination with that same spark George Lucas had brought to his films. For some reason, “Star Trek” has never really done this for me. “Farscape” is good, I like it a lot, but there are still a few things about it that just don’t sit well with me (an overdose of quirkiness, perhaps). “Firefly”, however, was just right. I got it for free from Amazon.com when I opened a Visa card account with them, and I blew through the DVD set, saddened when I had watched the last of the fourteen, all too short episodes. I wanted more. Thank God those magnificent idiots at Universal decided to give Joss Whedon (creator of “Firefly” as well as “Angel” and “Buffy”…neither of which are half as compelling as “Firefly”) fifty million bucks to bring these characters and this universe to the big screen. Thank God, as well, that Whedon used the same actors as he did on the show. Thank God he didn’t replace Nate Fillion’s unique brand of bad-ass cool, for example, with that of some schmoe like Josh Hartnett or Mel Gibson. I loved this show, and I love the trailers for this movie. It hits theaters on September 30th. That gives you all plenty of time to rent “Firefly” off Netflix and find out just how great it is. I’ve already converted my brother-in-law. Trust me, it’s great stuff.
4. “Lord of War”
Nicolas Cage movies end up on this list almost every year, I think. Maybe it’s because, when he’s at the top of his game, there are few people in movies that I would rather watch. When a director knows how to make use of him, few actors are better. He essays a sense of quirkiness and fun, but never at the expense of character or of the overall film. Like Johnny Depp, he’s a great cinematic oddball…most of the time. In the wrong director’s hands, however, he can be a giant sleeping pill (“Windtalkers” and “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin” spring to mind). The trailer for this movie looks fantastic, with Cage playing a supercool international arms dealer. This movie looks to do for gun merchants what “Blow” did for coke dealers. This is to make them damned entertaining, as well as thought provoking, subjects. Hell, it looks so good that even the presence of Ethan Hawke doesn’t irk me.
5. “Munich”
Steven Spielberg is now filming this tale about a Mossad agent (Eric Bana) tracking a group of Palestinian terrorists responsible for killing a group of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics, but it will allegedly be ready by Christmas. This sounds like one of Spielberg’s ballsiest projects yet, and he’s been doing some ballsy stuff lately, like turning the alien invasion genre on its head with “War of the Worlds”. “War of the Worlds” was basically about terrorists from another planet, after all. If Spielberg gives us the hard-hitting, gritty drama that I think he will, this should be a shoe-in for Best Picture consideration. Considering his recent track record, however, it’ll probably be an excellent movie that fumbles somehow in the last twenty minutes. But the closest thing he’s done to perfection lately was “Catch Me If You Can”, another movie based on real events, so I’ve got some real hope for this one. If nothing else, it should be interesting to watch.
6. “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”
Before Quentin Tarantino emerged, Shane Black was the “It” writer of the Hollywood scene. It’s hard to fathom in retrospect, but “The Long Kiss Goodnight” was actually the highest selling screenplay of its time. In fact, with his concoctions of well conceived action, colorful dialogue, rampant profanity, dirty jokes and guy talk, he may even have been the forerunner of a guy like Tarantino. After “Long Kiss”, however, Shane disappeared from Hollywood without a trace. Now he’s back, having written and directed this film which stars Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr. That seems like an odd combination (well, actually, it seems like an uninsurable combination) but those are sort of Black’s specialty. Look at Damon Wayans and Bruce Willis in “The Last Boy Scout” or Danny Glover and Mel “Riggs” Gibson in the first two “Lethal Weapon” flicks, all written by Black. Those are great teams. If Black knows what he’s doing (and I, for one, believe that he does) then perhaps he has crafted another winning team with this tale of a thief posing as an actor playing a detective (tutored by gay detective Val Kilmer). It’s a great concept, and it’s got a fun trailer. Plus, I’m personally happy to see one of my favorite screenwriters working again. This man is the M. Night Shyamalan of action cinema (and his worst movie is arguably better than “The Village”).
7. “The Producers”
I can’t afford to go to the Broadway show, so this will have to do: a movie version of the musical based on the ‘60’s Mel Brooks film about a Broadway producer and a neurotic accountant intentionally making a Broadway flop. Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane are reprising the roles they made their own and Uma Thurman and Will Ferrell are on hand for support. I own the soundtrack to the Broadway show, and it is hilarious. I can’t wait to see the actions that go along with it. It should be a rollicking good time.
And those are the only ones I have a burning desire to see. Now we move on to…
ORANGE ALERT FILMS:
1. “Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-rabbit”
The big-toothed inventor with a penchant for cheese and his intelligent dog sidekick has always been a big source of amusement for me, and now they have their own movie. Hooray!
Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-rabbit Trailer
2. “Waiting…”
I love Ryan Reynolds, even when the movie he’s in is less than stellar. He always gives his best, and I appreciate it. Plus, with his sardonic air and hipster quality, he sort of reminds me of a modern Chevy Chase…back when Chevy was still regularly funny. He’s in this movie which, from the trailer, looks ready to do for waiters what “Office Space” did for office workers. Justin Long, Anna Farris, hilarious stand-up comic Dane Cook and Luis Guzman co-star.
3. “The New World”
I didn’t like “The Thin Red Line”. I thought it was, to quote Mel Gibson’s opinion of his own “Million Dollar Hotel”: “as boring as a dead dog’s ass”. That was directed by Terrence Malick, who also did “Badlands” and “Days of Heaven”, neither of which sucked. In fact, they were gorgeous. And I hated “Alexander” which starred Colin Farrell and Christopher Plummer. They are both in this film. And yet, somehow, I have a good feeling about this one. Mostly because it tells the story of the explorers who “discovered” America (well, after Columbus) and I find that to be an interesting and largely unfilmed portion of history. So I will check out this movie. But if it had less people who had made movies I disliked involved, it might have made it to the Red Alert status.
4. “Shopgirl”
I want to see this because, deep in my heart, I still hope that Steve Martin can be funny. He’s had a dry spell with everything he’s done since “Bowfinger”, but I still have my fingers crossed for this movie where he apparently falls in love with a retail clerk played by Claire Danes. It’s based on a book he wrote. Please, Steve, don’t screw this up.
5. “The Fountain”
I had almost completely forgotten about this film until an afternoon I spent leafing through magazines at Barnes and Noble (one of my favorite, cheap pastimes) and discovered via Premiere magazine that it’s actually slated to come out this year. It’s a story from director Darren Aronofsky (the possible lunatic who made “Pi” and “Requiem for a Dream”) about a man traveling through time to save the woman he loves…or something. Hugh Jackman (sans claws) is the time traveler and Rachel Weisz is the woman in question. Apparently, this film spans from the conquistador days of the 16th century to a spaceship in the year 2500. Wow. The film was originally set to have Brad Pitt as its lead, but he skipped out to have sex with Angelina Jolie or something. Oh well, I like Hugh Jackman and with Aronofsky in charge, this film is bound to have at least a couple of screws loose. It sounds lighter than his usual fare…but then again, maybe it isn’t. Only time will tell.
6. “The Legend of Zorro”
Seven years after the fact, we get a sequel to “The Mask of Zorro”. Now, “The Mask of Zorro” was a diverting bit of entertainment (and it did introduce most American males to the natural resource that is Catherine Zeta Jones) but I doubt anyone was clamoring for a sequel to it. Hell, most people have probably forgotten the original film even exists. I know I pretty much forget about it until I recognize it lurking in my DVD collection…and even then I am rarely prompted to pop it in. Whenever I DO happen to pop it in, however, I realize it’s a fun, entertaining and action-packed film filled with beautiful women, luscious cinematography and cool swordplay and horse stunts. Here’s hoping that this sequel will have more of the same…though, sadly, without Anthony Hopkins and with a less attractive incarnation of Catherine Zeta Jones. (Truthfully, I’m not sure if Catherine is really any less attractive…I think it’s just that I’ve gotten tired of seeing her over the past decade. It’s like the Grand Canyon: if you saw it on the cover of a magazine every day, you’d stop caring after while.)
7. “The Transporter 2”
I love Jason Statham. I think he’s set to become the leading action hero of his generation. And I loved “The Transporter” despite the fact that there wasn’t a brain in its head. It’s just a good time, nothing more. So I hope this will be a good time too…though I have my doubts.
8. “Ice Harvest”
John Cusack hasn’t done anything that I’ve found intriguing for a while, but hopefully this allegedly dark thriller set around Christmas-time, co-starring Billy Bob Thornton, and directed by Harold Ramis will change that trend. That’s about all I know about this movie, but it’s enough to pique my interest.
And that’s about all for the movies on my Orange Alert list.
YELLOW ALERT FILMS:
“Proof”
Probably an Oscar bait movie: it has Gwyneth Paltrow, Hope Davis, and Anthony Hopkins in it. It’s about a dying math genius and his daughters, I think.
“The Libertine”
A dark, period drama starring Johnny Depp.
“The Weather Man”
It’s more Nicolas Cage. This time he’s a put-upon weather man who undergoes a life crisis.
“Syriana”
George Clooney in a Steven Soderbergh film about our national dependence on oil: should be a light, breezy romantic comedy that stirs absolutely no controversy.
“Flight Plan”
Jodie Foster takes “Panic Room” on a plane. Someone is messing with her daughter. I’ve run afoul of Jodie a time or two and, trust me; you don’t want to be doing that.
“The Corpse Bride”
Johnny Depp lends his voice to a Tim Burton-produced story about a man who “accidentally” marries a corpse. It’s a stop motion animated film in the same vein as “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and should find a cult following among the same audience: hard-core animation fans and Goths.
“Jarhead”
A movie about soldiers directed by Sam Mendes. I like Sam Mendes, so I’ll probably go.
“The Ringer”
Johnny Knoxville stars in this movie from the Farrelly brothers about a con artist pretending to be disabled so he can compete in the special Olympics. Even though Cartman did the same thing in a hilarious “South Park” episode, this should be worth a peek. Besides, Brian Cox is in it!
“V for Vendetta”
Yet another great Alan Moore comic gets a Hollywood adaptation, and will probably end up being yet another disappointment. Still, hope springs eternal.
“Rent”
It’s a musical. I like musicals. Apparently, everyone in this musical dies of AIDS. So, y’know, it should be a blast! (By the way, I was being sarcastic.)
BLUE ALERT FILMS:
Movies I barely care about, but might still wind up seeing.
“King Kong”
I know Peter Jackson has been dying to make this for years, but I still don’t see why any of the rest of us should give a damn. The effects in the trailer don’t look any better than those in “Jurassic Park” and the storyline is, let’s face it, fairly cheesy. It worked in the ‘30’s, but I’m just not sure it’ll work nowadays. And Jack Black just seems all wrong for this flick.
“Zathura”
A couple of kids play a board game that takes them into Outer Space. If it sounds a lot like “Jumanji”, well, it IS by the same author. I just want to know what company it is, in this fantasy universe, which keeps making all these board games that come to life. I picture them as a satanic version of Parker Brothers. Who ARE these people, anyway?
“Domino”
I wanted to see this movie a lot more before I saw an actual trailer for it. The premise is neat: a woman casts aside her modeling career to become a bounty hunter. The cast is pretty good: Keira Knightley, Mickey Rourke, Lucy Liu and the ever-watchable Christopher Walken. Unfortunately, Tony Scott seems to be indulging the same overdose of style that sabotaged his “Man on Fire”. But Walken is still in it.
“A Sound of Thunder”
This movie was mentioned on my list last year. A bunch of guys go back in time to hunt dinosaurs and end up screwing up the space-time continuum. Did Professor Emmett Brown teach us nothing?
“The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”
Hey, everybody, let’s cash in on “Lord of the Rings”! I’ll end up seeing it for the lion and because, after “Constantine”, I love Tilda Swinton. She plays the witch of the title. From the trailer, it looks like they put “Lord of the Rings”, “Lemony Snicket” and “Harry Potter” in a blender and ended up with this. Plus, I find the colon in the title to be disturbing. I’ve got a feeling that means they’re going to make ALL of these books into a movie and there were…what? A hundred of them? Seven, at the very least. I may have gotten myself hooked on four seasons worth of “Alias”, but I’m not committing to thirty-eight films about some magical closet. Sorry, but no thanks.
And there you have it. Don’t bother looking anywhere else; these are the only films you should remotely care about. Take it from me, I’ve done the research. And of these, the Red list is the only one I really, truly care about. The rest are just time-fillers. Choose wisely, mark down the release dates (you’ll have to find those on your own, I couldn’t be bothered), and I’ll see you at the movies!
