Loading ...The 12 Days of Christmas
User Rating:
(No Ratings Yet)
Loading ...By Dale Nauertz
Well, my online friends and neighbors, ‘tis that time of year yet again: the stores are crowded, the shelves of said stores are getting bare, the forecast calls for snow, Christmas carols are now stealthily slipping their way into radio programming and you’re wondering how the hell you’re going to pay for presents, knowing that the old “You don’t have to get me anything” line is never going to work. Yes, it’s the retail season…er, I mean the Christmas season. This can be an overwhelming time of year, and because I don’t want you to get too frustrated with everything, I think you should just sit down and watch a few movies. But because it’s a busy time of year, I realize that you can’t just sit on your ass watching movies all day long (though that sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?) so I’ve winnowed it down to a manageable level. How about one movie per day, huh? It’s not too hard. You can do it. So your Uncle Dale has compiled a list of twelve movies (and some TV specials to throw in there) to make your Christmas a little bit more magical. See? I’m always looking out for you. Accept these suggestions in lieu of actual presents.
Day 12: “Love Actually”
See, we’re counting down from twelve to number one. Number Twelve is twelve days before Christmas, let us say, and Number One would be Christmas Day itself. “Love Actually” will be a good one to kick things off. It’s an epic, British romantic comedy, so it’s really a good choice for any time of the year. But the film does have a decided Christmas theme to it. It takes place on and around Christmas and concerns itself with people falling in love, conveniently and inconveniently. It’s got just enough sentiment to warm your heart without making you gag on a bunch of sugar. Plus, it’s got great performances by an excellent cast and it’s pretty darn cool, so cool you won’t even mind that it’s a chick flick. Yet, if you like chick flicks, this is a good one to wallow in.
Day 11: “Lethal Weapon”
Yes, that’s right: “Lethal Weapon”. Sure, it isn’t a movie about the wonder of Christmas or a movie that will inspire you to change your life. But it’s a great action movie with great camaraderie between Mel Gibson (who has never been better) and Danny Glover (who’s his usual, dependable self). They’re fighting drug dealers and blowing shit up, and Mel is taking insane chances because he’s suicidal and just doesn’t give a shit (which is an inspired premise, if you ask me). And all this takes place around Christmas. There’s caroling, explosions, Christmas lights, gunfights, a man attempting suicide while watching the Bugs Bunny Christmas special and even a drug deal that takes place in a Christmas tree lot. If that doesn’t put you in the holiday spirit, I don’t know what will. Besides, you can’t handle a moral lesson every day, even in this season. Sometimes, you just need to see things explode, with some tinsel here and there.
Day 10: “Scrooged”
This movie will help you deal with all that Christmas programming that gets crammed down your throat every time you turn on your television. You see, aside from being the best version of the whole Scrooge story that I’ve ever seen (Bill Murray is perfect as a modern day Scrooge with a lump of coal where his heart should be) it’s also a scathing indictment of network television. It’s a wicked, little Christmas flick that’ll have you laughing uproariously, and it will also sneak its way into your heart with a rather touching human message.
Day 9: “ELF”
Finally out on video and DVD, “ELF” is a goofy little yarn with Will Farrell as a human orphan raised by elves who leaves Santa’s workshop to connect with his father, played by a great, gruff James Caan. The movie has a warm heart and a lot of laughs and, even though it’s not the funniest Will Farrell movie (that would, for me, be “Anchorman”) and though it’s not the best Christmas comedy, it’s a charming, sweet, funny little movie that’ll have a smile affixed to your face for an hour and thirty minutes. Plus, it’s got Ed Asner as Santa Claus. That’s right: THE Ed Asner! (And, incidentally, why isn’t Zooey Deschanel, the love interest of this film, a bigger star? She’s so sweet and beautiful and she’s got a remarkable singing voice. There, I’ve gotten that out of my system.)
Day 8: “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”
Jones, Ben and I have a tradition we like to call “Shitty Movie Night” where you rent the crappiest piece of crap you can find and you mock the thing relentlessly (with or without alcohol involved). Well, go rent the Jim Carrey version of “The Grinch”, get some egg nog, spike the hell out of it, and play your own version of “Mystery Science Theater” in the privacy of your own living room. (For this one, I cannot recommend alcohol too highly; it’s just too bad to deal with sober.) How can you not mock the ugly set design, the flat jokes, and the crass commercialism that permeates every frame of enormous lump of coal? For this one, however, you’re going to need some close friends. Suffering alone isn’t very fun. The more people you can torment with one of these shitty films, the better it is for you. Trust me. It’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen (perhaps even THE worst) and a perfect candidate for a holiday edition of “Shitty Movie Night”. (But it’s absolutely terrible; don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
P.S.- If “The Grinch” is rented out, or you wanna double your misery with two crappy flicks, go with “Jingle All the Way”. It’s not quite as terrible (few things are) but it’s still pretty shitty, and it’s got a Christmas theme.
Day 7: “Die Hard 2”
If you want a Christmas-themed action movie, you can’t do much better than this one (well, you can do a little better, but we’ll get to that in a few days). You’ve got snow, explosions, Dennis Franz, and more terrorists than you can shake a stick at. The heartwarming moments of this yuletide classic include a snowmobile chase, a plane full of Christmas travelers crashing to their death, and a man getting stabbed in the eye with an ice sickle. It’s the perfect film to watch in order to vent your frustrations after a day of dealing with morons in the mall.
Day 6: “Bad Santa”
Finally, a movie where Santa drinks, pisses himself, is rude to children, has a surly elf, robs department stores, bangs groupies and is just generally pissed off. Billy Bob Thornton is great here as a true piece of shit in a Santa outfit. It’s a bizarre, surreal and utterly vulgar yuletide comedy, with a sneaky sort of moral and a strange bit of compassion snuck into it. Again, a perfect antidote to searching high and low for Christmas presents at every store within a ten mile radius. Plus, it’s absolutely hilarious (if you can handle its sheer, gleeful offensiveness).
Day 5: “Gremlins”
This, my friends, is a true holiday classic, as well as a cautionary tale about not buying a pet for a Christmas present. Sure, Gizmo the Mogwai looks sweet and harmless enough: he looks pretty darned cute with that little Santa hat, he drives a little car, he speaks better English than the average New York cabbie, and he can play a mean keyboard. But if you get him wet, you’ll have to feed a lot more like him, and don’t even think about feeding them after midnight. A little old lady goes rocketing out a window, there’s a bar scene with more rowdy drunks than you find on State Street during Halloween weekend, and Santa gets savagely attacked by a horde of little, green monsters. I’ve always loved this movie, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Christmas is the perfect excuse to revisit this delightful slab of utter carnage.
Day 4: “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”
Remember when Chevy Chase was actually funny? Well, this was about the last time. Chevy is great as the well-meaning but accident prone Clark W. Griswald. Clark is determined to give his family the greatest Christmas they’ve ever had and, if you know Clark from the other “Vacation” films, you know just what a recipe for disaster that is. Clark takes Christmas decorating to absurd levels, hits on a girl at the mall, goes sledding (with disastrous results) and the whole holiday ends with a visit from the SWAT team and a barbecued cat. Odd relatives abound, financial woes are prevalent, and egg nog is spiked. It’s sure to remind you of your own holidays than most of the yuletide flicks you’re likely to see. (It does me, anyway.)
Day 3: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown”, “A Garfield Christmas”, “Frosty the Snowman” and the original, accept-no-bloated substitutes “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”
Rent or, better yet, go out and own all of these yuletide classics. Pop up some popcorn, turn down the lights, and pretend that you’re six years old all over again. I’ve seen most of these in recent years and, trust me; they’re still great. They’re a passport back to your childhood, heck, they’re the reasons that you care about this holiday in the first place, am I right? I remember when CBS (the only station we had at our house until I was in fourth grade) would show all of these on one night, about a week before Christmas. Well, thanks to DVD, you can relive that night all by yourself or with as many friends as you want, and you can control the order! Burl Ives as a claymation snowman, Boris Karloff narrating a story about Who’s, Garfield receiving a present from Odie, the gut-wrenching fate of “Frosty the Snowman”, and the lesson we all learned from Charlie Brown’s selection of a Christmas tree. All of these memories can be relived, all these years later and, really, aren’t these the essence of what Christmas is all about? They are to me.
Day 2: Christmas Eve: “Die Hard” followed by “It’s a Wonderful Life”
It’s Christmas Eve, you can treat yourself to two movies! “Die Hard” is the greatest Christmas action film ever made (a small genre of film, but an important one nonetheless). Watching this film on Christmas Eve is a surreal experience, at least it’s always been one for me. It’s like watching a news report on a terrorist situation unfolding in California. Get your last, pre-Christmas dosage of explosions and shootouts, and get a surprising amount of character development in the bargain. After all, John McClane learns what’s really important in life while he’s fighting for it against some nasty, Eurotrash terrorists.
And after you’ve watched Bruce destroy the entire first floor of a building and kill the last of the bad guys, watch Jimmy Stewart slog his way through a pretty crummy life to learn that even a crummy life is worth living in the excellent “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Sure, this movie has become something of a cliché over the years, but it deserves to be watched inevitably every Christmas Eve. It’s a film that makes you appreciate life and the act of living it, a film that will make you realize that, even though Christmas has become grossly commercialized and gets a little less special every year, there is a nugget of something inside the act of celebrating Christmas, a bit of magic left in this season yet, despite every major retailer’s best efforts to destroy that magic. Watching this film is the best thing about Christmas, if you ask me. So watch it, savor it, and wear any tears you manage to cry proudly.
Christmas Day: “A Christmas Story”
I remember a time before this movie was played eighty-seven times on TBS, a time when the film was still special and hilarious, before it had been quoted more times than “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”, before every major network ran it into the ground. It’s a cult classic, really, (kind of like the yuletide equivalent of “Office Space”) about childhood, and about that one toy you want for Christmas (the one toy that, if you’re anything like me, you never actually got). It’s about Christmas a time of intense want, and then it deepens into something more. It’s probably not the best movie on this list, heck, I KNOW it isn’t. But it’s the perfect movie to watch on Christmas morning, mainly because the best scenes of this film take place ON Christmas morning. Most movies, hell, most of our culture treats Christmas Day itself as an afterthought. The Day After Thanksgiving is more of an event in our culture than Christmas Day is. By Christmas morning, Christmas is pretty much over. Well, not in this movie. That’s why you should get up, open your presents and watch “A Christmas Story” before you eat Christmas Dinner and start planning where you’re going to go to return all the presents you didn’t want.
There you have it, a bunch of films (and a few TV shows) to remind you what this holiday is all about…and to keep you entertained after a long day of shopping or ringing bells for the Salvation Army or cooking or whatever it is you choose to do in preparation for Christmas. On behalf of myself and everyone affiliated with this website, I urge you to enjoy yourself, be safe, and watch a few movies. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and, to all of you who work retail, hang in there, January will be here before you know it!
