2008 / 91 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

Though it may sound ridiculous, I believe that Sylvester Stallone has saved our country as much as a muscular man who makes movies possibly can…not just once, but twice. I cite “Rocky” as the first example of this bizarre phenomenon. The 70’s were a huge bummer for our country. Vietnam raged on and on, Watergate had taken that fine, Frank Capra dream of democracy and pissed right in its eye, and the repercussions of the free love 60’s were beginning to set in. The 30’s sucked too, but at least Hollywood was cranking out a steady stream of giddy musicals and fun screwball comedies to distract everyone. In the 70’s, Hollywood was cranking out movies like “The Godfather”, “Chinatown”, “All the President’s Men”, “Taxi Driver” and “Network”, all great films but none of them put a spring in one’s step and a smile on one’s face. Even the box office hits of the time were rather depressing: “The Exorcist” and “Jaws” were both about people getting possessed or eaten. But then came “Rocky”, to change all that. “Rocky” was the story of a big, dumb palooka who used his pluck and determination to make his dreams come true. It was a huge hit, lines around the block, and people were happy again. They were inspired. They could laugh and love all over again. Of course, all this happiness led to the Disco movement, but even a wonder drug can have some unsavory side effects.

Then, in the 1980’s, Stallone looked at the Vietnam veterans of our country and decided that something had to be done. The vets were coming home and getting shat on, basically. Sure, they had been involved in a crappy, neverending and unpopular war but, dammit, that wasn’t their idea. They had fought for freedom and the American way and had gotten nothing for their trouble but spit in their eye. So Stallone saddled up again and released “First Blood” to get people to acknowledge that, hey, those poor bastards coming home from Nam were just regular guys in a shitty situation. They were the same palookas that might have fought Apollo Creed if their number hadn’t come up. Not only that, but they could kill you in the woods with sticks and their bare hands (therefore making them worthy of your respect). But that wasn’t all, some of them were still over there, rotting in POW camps while Reagan’s America tried to forget about them and move onto bigger, better, more fun things. So Stallone released “Rambo: First Blood Part 2″ wherein he not only addressed the POW problem but FUCKING WON THE VIETNAM WAR!!! Finally! USA! USA!

Stallone’s work here was done. Any ordinary superhero would have packed up his cape and gone into retirement. But the lure of steady paychecks (and possibly a steroid habit) forced Sly to keep making movies, even though his powers were no longer needed. He limped through the 90’s, scoring an occasional triumph with “Cliffhanger” and “Demolition Man” but otherwise marginalized and kicked to the curb. But then, a couple years back, he got back in there. He showed us what had happened to all those palookas whose pluck and determination had finally ran out and made the, I assume, highly autobiographical “Rocky Balboa”. It was a critical and commercial darling…even though it was pretty much the same as the first Rocky movie. But, hey, at least he didn’t embarrass himself. And he proved that an underdog could make it happen all over again, even if he was slightly past his prime.

So, after making another “Rocky” movie, why NOT make another damn “Rambo” movie? And why bother with a fancy title when all that anyone will ever call it is “Rambo”? So he made another one and said “Fuck it, let’s just call it Rambo”. And behold, here it is. Yet another “Rambo” movie. Some people may ask “Why?” I ask “Why the hell not?”

I’ve always been a bigger fan of Rambo than I was of Rocky for one simple reason: Rocky just punches people whereas Rambo blows the hell out of them with explosive-tipped arrows. I rest my case. So when I heard another Rambo movie was being unleashed on the general public, I was psyched. Well, semi-psyched.

“Rambo” has just as much plot as the other Rambo movies. If that sounds fine by you, then welcome aboard. If not, well, watch something else. And Stallone looks pretty good for his age. He may be 61, but I still wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley. Yes, his un-mummified appearance is probably due to steroids or plastic surgery (perhaps both) but who cares. He looks like he could kick ass, which goes a long way toward helping one suspend disbelief.

As I watched “Rambo” I was surprised to find that it is the bloodiest and most depressing of all the Rambo films. It begins with actual news footage of atrocities being committed in Burma, and then continues by showing gory, fictional atrocities in Burma that look disturbingly realistic. Really, folks, the first half hour or so of this movie is a pretty extreme bummer. A group of naive missionaries decide to go into Burma and help the poor people being tortured and killed there. Rambo warns them against it but, of course, they do not listen. When will we learn to heed Rambo’s warnings, people? When? How many must die before we take Stallone’s nearly indecipherable words seriously? The missionaries are able to help the poor people of Burma for perhaps two minutes before their village is blown to hell and they are taken prisoner. It goes without saying that only one man can save them, and it ain’t Huey Lewis.

Rambo joins a group of whiny mercenaries hired by a guy from the missionaries’ church to go upriver and save these well-meaning but deluded souls. Personally, this is where I thought the movie got pretty cool. You see, we in the audience know that this simple snake-catching boat driver is Rambo, the killer of countries. But the whiny mercenaries on board simply give him shit, thinking he is just the idiot driving the boat. In the other Rambo movies, Richard Crenna was on hand as Col. Trautman, the man who trained Rambo and then appointed himself Rambo’s PR man. Crenna would always helpfully inform people that they should have “brought a good supply of body bags” or that they “hadn’t counted on one thing: Rambo”. He was like a surgeon general warning on the side of Rambo telling you not to operate heavy machinery or indulge in evildoing lest Rambo break his foot off in your ass. But Richard Crenna (a wonderful character actor whose presence is sorely missed here) has moved on to his heavenly reward. Therefore, there is no one around to warn people about Rambo. Also, there is no one to talk Rambo down when he gets a good head of steam built up. In the other movies, Crenna was there to tell Rambo that everything was okay and give him a hug. With Crenna gone, Rambo is without a release valve or “Off” switch.

The Burmese atrocities are pretty horrible but then Rambo comes in and makes everything better by ripping out throats, blowing shit up, firing arrows and saying things like “fuck the world”. It’s like being at the world’s worst birthday party and having the most kickass magician you’ve ever seen show up halfway through with the world’s biggest cake. Or it’s like sitting through “Schindler’s List” and having Indiana Jones show up and kill all the Nazis in the most extreme ways possible. It’s hard not to bounce in one’s seat with giddy enthusiasm once Rambo starts to slaughter bad guys (and the bad guys in this movie are really, really bad, deserving every horrible thing Rambo can do to them) and I loved every second of this carnage and mayhem. When bad things are happening to good people, this movie is a pretty harsh downer. When Rambo is happening to bad people, God is in His heaven and everything is right with the world.

Unfortunately, Rambo doesn’t kill quite enough people and none of the arrows he fires have explosive tips. The movie is also too short (only ninety minutes) and Sam Elliott isn’t in it (I had read that he was). But many movies suffer from a lack of Sam Elliott and exploding arrows. Despite these handicaps, Rambo provides good old-fashioned, cathartic carnage and violence, the sort that died off around 1989. If you’re like me and are into that sort of thing, then “Rambo” will make you extremely happy for at least twenty minutes of its running time (considering its short length, that a decent percentage of its time). If not, might I suggest checking out “There Will Be Blood!” or “Atonement”.

P.S. “To survive war, you have to become war”.

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 2nd, 2008 at 12:45 pm and is filed under Dale's Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.