2008 / 136 Minutes / PG-13
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

There are some movies that don’t truly suck, but they fall so short of how good they could have been that you say they suck anyway, even though they’re really just kinda mediocre. The fourth entry in the “Indiana Jones” franchise is just such a movie. It’s not exactly horrible, and it has some entertaining moments here and there, but it sucks because it should have been so much better.

“Crystal Skull” begins nearly twenty years after the events of the third movie took place, in 1957, and, frankly, it had to. Harrison Ford is obviously twenty years older. This is a fact and must be accepted. They can’t set it in 1942, have Indy still fight Nazis, and expect no one to notice. This time, Indy must beat the Commies (particularly a black-haired, psychic sadist played by Cate Blanchett) to one of those supernatural artifacts that Indiana Jones seems to specialize in finding. The Russians want to find the crystal skull so they can take over the world (with mind control powers, I guess, though how the skull will help them achieve this is never adequately explained). Indy has to stop them. Along the way he is assisted by a greaser kid who may or may not be related to him (you can probably already guess how) and encounters an old flame.

I love the Indiana Jones series. In my opinion, “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is the pinnacle of action movie greatness. It’s the finest action/adventure movie ever made. It basically reinvented the genre for a new generation of film goers. And this streak of greatness continued in “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” (one of the most underrated sequels of all time, it’s great BECAUSE it is so different from the original movie, most sequels are so mind-numbingly similar) and, to a lesser extent, “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” (which is a fine fun-machine whose only fault is sticking a little too closely to the “Raiders” formula, LOOKING like it was all shot on a sound stage, and having too many gags in it). I didn’t expect “Crystal Skull” to reinvent the genre all over again or even to be as good as “Last Crusade”. I did, however, expect to be pleasantly diverted for two hours or so.

On that simple level, “Crystal Skull” is a disappointment.

Steven Spielberg invented the summer blockbuster for all intents and purposes and he consistently provides the best films of the summer: movies with solid plots, eye-popping special effects, and a human heart and soul pulsing at their center. Though he has turned his talents to more important fare over the years (such as “Schindler’s List” and “Munich”) he still manages to turn out glorious entertainments that, even when flawed, are about as close to perfection as summer blockbusters get. “Minority Report”, “Catch Me if You Can” and “War of the Worlds” were all remarkably entertaining and had fascinating characters, awesome action set pieces and stunning visuals to carry them along. So one cannot hardly say that his filmmaking prowess has flagged in the years since he last got behind the camera for an “Indiana Jones” romp. How sad, then, that “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls” is bland and lifeless. It’s a film without spark that seems to be made out of a sense of simple obligation. Spielberg hasn’t made a film this “by-the-numbers” since “Jurassic Park” and he hasn’t made a film this flat-out clumsy since “The Color Purple”. In fact, this film is more bland and generic than either of those films, much more clumsy, and far less entertaining.

What’s so bad about it? For one thing, Indy’s character has devolved into a parody of itself. It’s not the age, either. I have no problem with Harrison Ford putting that hat and whip back on at his age. But his character should still be clever and resourceful, as he always was: a man with the smarts and courage to extricate himself from even the worst situations. This movie begins with Indiana Jones captured by the Russians and Indy seems to spend the majority of the film in such a state: he gets captured every five minutes. You can almost set your watch by it. And it’s not because the villains are so overwhelmingly cunning either. The old Indy would be able to beat these idiots in his sleep. This is just lazy screenwriting. At the very least, the Indiana Jones of old knew how to choose friends that would help him out of a jam. Indy instead keeps trusting someone who betrays him at each and every turn. It’s quite frustrating.

It doesn’t help that Ford looks bored most of the time here. Bored and irritated, like an old man forced to go shopping with his wife. This, in and of itself, is not surprising. Harrison Ford has looked bored onscreen for nearly a decade. The only recent film I can remember Ford looking spry and lively in was “Hollywood Homicide”. I really enjoyed that film, simply because Harrison seemed to be having fun and Ford’s enthusiasm is rare and infectious. There are moments where Harrison Ford appears to be having fun in this movie, scattered and brief though they may be. Those are the best moments of this film. His camaraderie with Shia LeBeouf, for example, provides some entertainment value. Surprisingly enough, Shia is one of the few things that really works in this picture. I had my doubts about him (I’ve never been overly impressed by his work in the past) but he’s quite good here. He’s about the only one that really shines in the entire film. Ray Winstone hits notes that are obvious and irritating every step of the way, Cate Blanchett hams it up to a grating extent (her accent also seems rather spotty, especially when it disappears on the words “Doctor Jones”) and John Hurt just embarrasses himself with a poorly written, annoying character.

As for the plot, it’s a series of lame contrivances that never gel. It’s as though the screenwriters bought the entire series of Time Life “Mysteries of the Paranormal” books and just shoehorned in any mystery they hadn’t used in the previous films. I’m still not sure what the mysterious crystal skulls are supposed to do, or why anyone would go through this much trouble to get their hands on them. In “Raiders” we knew the Ark of the Covenant was an item of awesome destructive power and we clearly understood why the Nazis wanted it. Same with the Shankara stones of “Doom” and the Holy Grail in “Crusade”. The plots of the previous movies were remarkable in their simplicity. That’s why they worked so well. The film makers have to waste so much time unraveling their convoluted plot they don’t have any time left to provide fun.

When the film does attempt to provide fun, however, it falls flat. The action sequences in this film are overly outlandish and positively lame. There’s a jungle chase that defies all the laws of physics and common sense, which I could forgive if it weren’t so damn bland. The opening sequence also requires the viewer to turn their brain off, but at least it’s fun. It thrilled me for ten minutes or so, which is more than I can say for the rest. A bland chase through the jungle leads to yet another ancient temple with a serious dearth of booby traps and, in fact, nothing to distinguish itself from the standard ancient temple in the lamest “Indiana Jones” knockoff.

In fact, that’s what this movie seems like more than anything else: a lame “Indiana Jones” knockoff that happens to have the same star. In the years since the last Indy outing, movies like “National Treasure”, “Tomb Raider” and “The Mummy” series have come along to mine the same cinematic territory. Hell, “National Treasure 2″ even used much of the same basic plot and booby traps as this one (both had the hiding power of water and see-sawing stones figuring heavily into their plots). Aside from “Tomb Raider” each of them have actually done a better job of it than this film, which has the same director and writer behind it, but none of the same charm, panache and giddy sense of fun. “Crystal Skull” ultimately left me bored, which is the deadliest sin a film like this can suffer from. By the time Indy started weaving his way through the ancient Mayan (or whatever) temple, I was wishing I had a watch so I would know how much more of this stale nonsense I had to sit through. Spielberg and company don’t seem to have made this film because they wanted to, they made it because they felt they had to. At least that’s how this bloodless, lifeless enterprise seems to feel.

“Crystal Skull” is the very definition of too little, too late. Shia LeBeouf seems to be trying, it’s a pity no one else was.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 at 4:08 pm and is filed under Dale's Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.