2008 / 87 Minutes / PG-13
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

One of the reasons I began writing movie reviews in the first place was so that I could warn others whenever I had the misfortune to watch something particularly awful, much like Ralph Nader used to warn people about unsafe automobiles (like the Chevy Corvair). Like Ralph I was hoping to use my cinematic watchdog skills to eventually, and ineffectually, campaign for president. Unfortunately, it seems that I have failed you, dear viewers. I don’t deserve to run even as a third party longshot for president. If I can’t warn you about the dangers of watching Mike Myers’ “The Love Guru”, how can I be expected to serve you in any other way?

Then again, how could I have known? I wasn’t going to spend my own money to see it, not after the horrible trailer that I was forced to view in front of “Iron Man”. So anyone who might have heeded my warnings and saved themselves ten bucks on the Friday it opened was out of luck. In fact, if not for a particularly trying “Shitty Movie Night” in which Ben, Jones and I watched this horrifying travesty, I may never have been able to inform the public that such a dangerously bad movie was waiting on DVD shelves throughout the land, ready to pounce and suck. The trailer was bad, true, and I knew this movie wasn’t going to be good. But, sweet Jesus, how could I have known? HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN??

From all reports, Mike Myers has evolved from a likeable-enough Saturday Night Live performer into a crazed, perfectionist control freak. Apparently, like fellow Canadian James Cameron, he demands supreme control over every project he is now associated with and every facet of said project must meet with his strict quality-control standards. Judging by “The Love Guru”, Mike Myers has a pretty flexible definition of “perfection”. I’m not sure how I would define “perfection”, but it would certainly not include a scene of two elephants fornicating in an ice arena. (No, I am not making that up.)

The “plot” of “The Love Guru” is pretty stupid, which is not entirely unexpected, but even by stupid movie standards this movie is pretty friggin’ preposterous. Mike Myers portrays The Guru Pitka, the second most popular guru in the world. He has a giant Hollywood palace wherein he rides an elephant and starts every morning with a pointless, sitar-enhanced cover of Dolly Parton’s “Nine to Five”.

Ahem, anyway, his agent Dick Pants (these are the jokes, people) played by John Oliver (who could use a new agent himself) informs him that if he wants to become the number one guru in the world, he has to appear on Oprah (who does herself no favors by having a cameo in this train wreck). But, in order to get Oprah’s attention, he has to fix the love life of a hockey player(????) played by Romany Falco. So he jets off to Canada to help patch a hockey player up with his estranged wife who has taken to banging a well-hung French Canadian played by Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake isn’t actually half bad in this film. At least, I laughed most of the time he showed up, but when Timberlake is the funniest thing about your movie, you know you’re in trouble.

If that wasn’t convoluted enough for you, film fans, rest assured that I have only illustrated the tip of this ridiculous movie’s plot iceberg. The rest I will leave to experience for yourself, if you truly must. But I would highly advise you against it. This is one of the worst alleged comedies I have ever watched. Maybe five jokes work in the ninety minutes this film lasts, and that’s being generous. Why so serious? Well, first of all, every joke in this movie is one that you’ve already heard…on the bus…in elementary school. I’m not kidding. There’s a guru in this film named Guru Tuginmypudha (played by Ben Kingsley, of course, because he’s in every terrible movie). When a midget punches Mike Myers in the sack, he first asks Mike if he can name the capital of Thailand (and yells “Bangkok” as he punches). And, if those aren’t bad enough to convince you, Mike Myers begins the movie by defining the word guru: “My goal is to get you to say ‘Gee, you are you.’ TM!” Second of all, Mike Myers turns to the camera after delivering each line and smirks as though he just said the funniest thing in human history. By the fifth time he does this, it becomes impossible to resist punching your television right in Mike’s smug face. Thirdly, there is no character development or clever plotting or anything resembling competent filmmaking on display anywhere within this film. The set design, camera work, and musical score could all charitably be described as “generic”. The film is peppered with pop culture references that aren’t funny, clever or insightful. In short, this movie is abysmal on virtually every level.

I know my warning comes a bit late. I feel like someone running through the smoldering ruins of post-apocalyptic New York with a sign saying “The End is Near”. If any of you accidentally watched this movie because I was unable to tell you otherwise, well, I’m sincerely sorry. I feel just awful. I let you down. But if I can still reach one person and convince them not to watch “The Love Guru” then there’s still hope. Maybe I can divert them to “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” or “Get Smart” instead. I know, it’s probably too late. But, dammit, I have to try. “The Love Guru” sucks too hard for me to just stand aside and let it drag one more poor bastard down to its level. Tell your friends, tell your co-workers, tell your family not to watch “The Love Guru”. If you know anyone who knows Mike Myers, have them slap him. All that is necessary for “The Love Guru” to win is for good men to do nothing. Well, that’s not gonna happen. Not on my watch!

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This entry was posted on Monday, November 24th, 2008 at 4:17 pm and is filed under Dale's Reviews, Dale's Picks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.