By Ben Heckendorn

Yo yo Ben H here! A little known fact is that when I’m making building videogame crap or drinking MGD I am a soothsayer! That is, I can predict the future! Amazing, I know. So anyway, since this is a movie site I figured to use my powers to predict “The Top and Bottom Holiday Films of 2005!”

Being an uber-capitalist I don’t mean the best or worst. Nope, just which ones make the big bucks and which STEALTHFULLY flop away into the bargain bin. Why do this, you ask? Why not! When all’s said and done we can look back on this and laugh. Overall I think this holiday season will be pretty big, much better than summer. Of course pundits will attribute this to the now-lower gas prices but it’s the MOVIES themselves that make the difference. (I can see the headlines now: “People brave deadly BIRD FLU to see Harry Potter” What BS) Anyway, let’s get started, going in sort-of chronological order.

November 4th
CHICKEN LITTLE
AKA “Let’s throw away all our 2D animation stuff and do it all on computer now!” Disney Feature Animation Studios, Directed by the guy who did “Emperor’s New Groove” and starring the usual cast of TV and independent film actors.

WILL MAKE: $175 million US
Rating: SUCCESS

“Chicken Little” comes out this Friday and it’ll probably do pretty well. Not on its merits, mind you - it’s got to be the ugliest looking CGI film ever, and that’s a big feat considering I think most CGI films are already ugly. And not from the huge advertising budget either.

Nope, “Chicken Little” will be this year’s “JUMANJI”. (The funnest word to say in all history) See, I worked in a theatre when “JUMANJI” came out and it didn’t make money cause people wanted to see it. It made money because “Toy Story” was always sold out and people went to the next family-friendly poster they saw - “JUMANJI” - the “overflow film”.

Of course there’s no “Toy Story” this year, instead we have the TRUE 800-lb gorilla of the season “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” That movie will sell out faster than a lifeboat store on the “Titanic”. Everyone who arrives too late and gets turned away will go see “Chicken Little”. Guaranteed. Eisner probably knows this, but will say the film is a success because the studio “went 3D, and that’s what the people wanted”.

November 9th
Get Rich or Die Tryin’
AKA “Hey that 8-Mile movie made a bunch of money!”
Starring: Some rapper whose name involves money, ice or the letter T. (shrug)

WILL MAKE: $30-$50 million US
Rating: Bleh

Naturally they’re going for the “8 Mile” ripoff with this one, but I don’t think anyone will really care. I’m not a hip-hop expert but I’m pretty sure M&M (screw his real name, or how to spell the fake one) is, and was, a LOT more popular than this 50 cent piece dude. But of course they probably got this sucka in the can for 20 mill (or 20,000 G’s) so they’re pretty much assured of not going broke. Or dyin’ tryin’.

November 11th
Zathura
AKA “JUMANJI 2 – Electric Boogaloo”
Starring: Some kids, outer space, robots. Released by Sony “We’re reverting to the kind of shit we released in the early 90’s” Pictures (Columbia)

WILL MAKE: $35-$50 million US
Rating: BOMB (based off expense of film)

Who gives a fuck about this movie? It’s been 10 years since JUMANJI, and they’re trying to say this is part of the (bleh) “franchise” I hate movie franchises. Or the term at least. Movies are supposed to be about art. Franchises are about selling shitty hamburgers.

Anyway, same plot as Jumanji but the “spillovers” from Harry Potter and the Cash Cow of Doom will go to “Chicken Little” instead since its ad budget appears to be 100 times that of Zathura. Plus it’s easier for kids to say “Chick N Lit Tul” than this phonetic abortion.

Who the hell calls a movie “Zathura”? It’s hard to say, isn’t fun to say, and sounds like a character from Olivia Newton John’s “Xanadu” or “Legend”. “JUMANJI”, while a bullshit word, was at least easy to remember and of course, really fun to say. Try yelling out “JUMANJI!” at the top of your lungs some time, you’ll have a blast.

The title IS important, Hollywood. You’d be surprised how many people pick which movie they’ll see by just going to the theatre and looking at the posters. Do some research on that once, and you’ll realize people probably think the following when they see some titles:

“The Constant Gardener” – a Martha Stewart movie?
“Jarhead” – somebody who cans a lot of fruit?
“Aeon Flux” – a paste that helps you solder?

November 18th
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
AKA “All your money are belong to us”
Starring: The Harry Potter gang. Released by Warner Brothers.

WILL MAKE: $350-$400 million US
Rating: UBER-SMASH HIT of 2005

Harry Potter 4 is going to make so much money it’s not even funny. Utter shit-loads. Titanic-loads. Something to think about is “Goblet of Fire” was the book released in 2000, when the Potter phenomenon really took off, so it’s the one everyone remembers. (And supposedly the best, but I wouldn’t know, shucks, I don’t do much book readin’).

I don’t know what else to really say. It’ll be the biggest hit of the year, trouncing Star Wars, and probably one of the biggest hits of all time. The kids will all flock to it, and the adult readers, who would flock to it anyway, will flock even faster since it’s rated PG-13. Oh I know what to say while I’m hear. I am quite sick of would-be pedophiles who go on and on about how hot Emma Waston will someday be. Ug! I guess with the Olsen Skanks turning 18 somebody had to be the “next big thing” Just watch, 5 years from now we’ll see Emma Waston in “Aeon Flux 2” or “20 Things I Hate About You” Then her career will promptly vanish and she’ll be reduced to Sci-Fi channel original pictures or an extra on Stargate: Atlantis SVU.

November 18th
Walk The Line
AKA “That Ray movie was well-received, let’s find another dead singer to exploit”
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Reese Witherspoon and some other people. Released by 20th Century Fox

WILL MAKE: $40-$60 million cash US
Rating: Eh.

Actresses have it easy – when they want an Oscar all they have to die is take off their shirt. Actors on the other hand must always play dead famous people, preferably ones with mental defects. Thus Joaquin Phoenix pines for an Oscar with “Walk The Line”, a movie about the life of Johnny Cash.

I dunno – I’m not to hot on obvious Oscar-grab movies. I like Cash and all but I don’t give a rat’s ass about this movie. Now a “How Cameron Met Paxton” movie – THAT I’d see.

November 23rd
Rent
AKA “Hey we’re only 3 years behind Chicago!”
Starring: A bunch of people who sing I guess. Directed by… Chris Columbus? Released by Sony “Bombs R Us” Pictures

WILL MAKE: $20-$40 million cash US
Rating: Cheap bomb (dirty bomb?)

I actually like musicals a lot but I don’t care about this thing. My feeling is nobody else will too, or they’ll go see “The Producers” instead. There’s no star power as with “Chicago” and I have a feeling it just won’t be as good, so no word of mouth. Damn sell your Sony stock NOW!

December 2nd
Aeon Flux
AKA Zit on the ass of Cameron’s upcoming Battle Angel Alita
Starring: Charlize Theron. Directed by… oh probably some music video director. Released by (please don’t be Sony…) THANK GOD! Paramount Pictures.

WILL MAKE: $10-$20 million cash US
Rating: NUCLEAR BOMB

I’ll be upfront you with – I am going to this movie. Jones and I have already decided this will be the first official “in theatre” Shitty Movie Night. Plus he’s a Charlize fan and apparently has actually SEEN the old Aeon Flux show on MTV. But on to why they made this…

How much crack do these execs smoke? I mean really? “Let’s make an expensive sci-fi movie based off a 10 year old MTV show that ran for 1 season” Oh fucking BRILLIANT. Even the uber-popular “Beavis and Butthead” show didn’t translate into big box office bucks, and they actually released the film close enough to the show to be relevant.

Of course what do I know? Maybe it’s policy to make X number of bombs per year to wipe out the profits from successful films. I mean, as long as everyone gets paid on a film who cares if it makes money? Too bad real life isn’t like that. “I will spend 100 grand on a house and sell it for 35 grand, and that’s FINE!” Sheesh.

Final thing – Charlize Theron. OK she won her Oscar using the OTHER method for actresses (extreme weight change) but still. Why does every actress immediately make SHIT after winning an Oscar? Oh right, the money. A short list to make you cry:

Mira Sorvino – “Mighty Aphrodite”, then “Replacement Killers” and “MIMIC”
Angelina Jolie – “Girl, Interrupted”, then “TOMB RAIDER”
Halle Berry – “Monster’s Ball”, then, ug, “CATWOMAN”.
Nicole Kidman – “The Hours”, then THE STEPFORD FUCKING WIVES

And I’m sure Hillary Swank is reading the script for “Pong: The Movie” as we speak.

December 9th
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
(Longest title since “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl”)
Starring: A bunch of kids, a lion, a witch and get this – a wardrobe!. Directed by Andrew Adamson. Released by Disney.

WILL MAKE: $150-$200 million US (possibly even more)
Rating: HIT

I think I actually read this book like a zillion years ago. I can’t remember what happened, but it seems like it was a fairly popular tale. Kind of for kids I think. Anyway this is Disney’s knee-jerk slap themselves in the face reaction for passing on “Lord of the Rings” and I think they’ll do OK with it. By the time it comes out everyone will have already seen “Harry Potter” 16 times so it’ll have room to breathe.

Supposedly this movie has a Christian undercurrent to it – I can’t recall. That won’t hurt the box office, if anything it’ll help. I mean, “Passion of the Christ” anyone? I think people are possibly getting a little sick of the agnostic or evolutionist approach in most films, or the fact if God is used at all it’s just in passing or from the “religious nut” character. I mean, I actually think a “Ten Commandments” remake would be a huge, huge hit. Maybe I’m wrong. But I bet “Chronicles” proves me right. To paraphrase Wesley Snipes: “Always bet on God!”

December 14th
King Kong
Starring: Naomi “I was in Tank Girl” Watts, Jack Black and a big CGI ape. Directed by Peter Jackson. Released by Universal.

WILL MAKE: $150-$200 million US (tops)
Rating: DISAPPOINTMENT

Mark my words now – this will be the sure-fire “big disappointment” of the season. Sure it’ll make money, but with a cost of over $200 million, not counting advertising, it’ll fall short of what they want. I’m sure it’ll be interesting, have good effects, blah blah blah, but I just don’t think people will care. Really all it has going for it is “from the director of Lord of the Rings”.

In 1933 King Kong was something filmgoers had never seen before. The 1976 remake was pretty cheesy but it did OK, despite the flood of “disaster” films it was released during. Now we have Kong 2005.

The problem here is we’ve all seen “Jurassic Park”, which set the standard for all the “run away from the monster” movies that have come since. And these movies are always the same: A monster is on the loose/attacks. People are not directly killed by it, or it is shown off-camera. Lots of cars are thrown around. The monster attacks or is seen near well-known landmarks. Most of the action involves people “jumping out of the way” of things. (falling cars, girders, electrical lines) Again nobody thinks to, oh I don’t know, SHOOT the bad creatures.

This same kind of conflict-less bland crap is evident in the Kong 2005 trailer. Actually, half that trailer is about them finding Naomi Watts and her walking onto a ship, so we may be in more trouble than we think (or the effects weren’t ready, a more likely scenario) The “people making a movie within a movie” thing never works, it always comes off as phony and pretentious. (Plus making movies is actually extremely boring and monotonous) It only really worked in “Ed Wood” since that’s what the movie was about rather than just a scene or two.

Maybe I’ll be wrong and this film will rock. But I’m not a Peter Jackson fanboy so I won’t believe it til I see it. I just have this feeling this movie is just going to be seen as another “monster on the loose” flick by most people. I mean, in 1998, even with the amazing duo of Bill Paxton and Charlize Theron “Mighty Joe Young” didn’t do squat. (Paxton: “Oh shit! A giant monkey! Game over man!”) We’ll see if people go ape-shit for this or not.

December 14th
Diary of a Japanese Hooker
Starring: A bunch of people. Directed by Rob Marshall. Released by Dreamworks.

WILL MAKE: $100-$150 million US
Rating: SUCCESS

I didn’t read this book of course. Seems like Spielberg was gonna do this flick for the longest time (just like Indy 4) but now Rob “Chicago” Marshall is taking a whack at it. He’ll probably whack it out of the park.

I think it’ll make money because 1) it was a book 2) it’ll have that “Dances with Wolves” meets “Bridges of Madison County” meets “The Last Samurai” thing going 3) it seems like an “important” film that people will check out. The older crowd will see it, and they’re the SECRET WEAPON of smash hits (cough cough “Titanic”).

December 16th
The Producers
Starring: Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, the Kill Bill chick. Directed by… beats me… Not Mel Brooks, I know that. Released by Universal.

WILL MAKE: $50-$100 million US
Rating: Eh.

I haven’t seen the original movie or the new stage play. But it’s cool Mel Brooks is still kicking out stuff. Anyway, what to say about this… It won’t be a “Chicago” sized hit, but maybe close. Will knock out Rent with the electric bill to spare. Again the “play within a play within a movie” thing is always kind of confusing. Sure it works on Broadway but that’s Broadway, we’re talking about a theatrical release here. It’ll do alright, but it’s certainly not the next “Sound of Music”.

December 23rd
Munich
Starring: Eric Bana and the New Bond. Directed by Steven “The Kids Can Never Die!” Spielberg. Released by Universal.

WILL MAKE: $100-$150 million US
Rating: SUCCESS

Here’s the controversial movie of the year! (or so they say) Apparently this is about some assassins and the 1972 Olympics. I don’t know much more than that, but it involves 1) terrorism 2) past events 3) Steven Spielberg so it’s guaranteed to be a hit. People will go just to see it as it’ll likely raise a lot of questions and debate. Let’s just hope it has more balls than “War of the Worlds” and its “resurrected from the dead” Tom Cruise’s son.

Well there you have it. My (sort of) complete list of box office hits and misses. This list is surely so accurate you can buy or sell stock of studios right now! Your profit margins will be amazing! Have fun and see you at the movies!

This week I’m complaining about:

5 Shitty Remakes Nicole Kidman Could Do Next

NOTE: This was previously going to be a rant about annoying trends started by hit movies, but I figured I if I wanted to bitch about Nicole Kidman and “Bewitched” I’d better do it before the movie bombs (well, in its second weekend) and falls off the radar.

With the newly released “Bewitched” and last year’s “The Stepford Wives” it’s pretty obvious that Nicole Kidman, AKA ex-Mrs. Tom Cruise has a single mantra for the remainder of her career:

“I shall do nothing but shitty remakes!”

And why not? Remakes are all the rage in Hollywood, and probably will be until either audiences grow sick of them or someone actually creative moves to Tinsel town (whichever comes first) In the meantime, why shouldn’t every remake star Nicole Kidman? I mean, it “worked” twice, why not again? With this in mind, here’s 5 Shitty Remakes Nicole Kidman Could Do Next. Aspiring screenwriters, pay attention and call your agents!

“Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf?”

The plot: An alcoholic whore (Kidman) and her pussy-whipped husband (Hm… Russel Crowe?) invite over some young teachers from the campus Crowe works at for a late night of drinking, debauchery and character development.

The Catch: This time, they really DO have a son, who shows up halfway through the movie for revenge (and burgen), turning the film from an insightful adult drama into a thrill-a-minute slasher flick. In the end Kidman has to kill her own son (not a dry eye in the house) by dousing him with her last bottle of gin (thus resolving her alcoholism) and lighting it aflame.

The Tagline: “Son’s Coming Home For Dinner”

“Pretty Woman”

The plot: A down-and-out prostitute (Kidman) gets lucky and has a one-nighter with the man of her dreams, a hunky advertising agent played by Antonio Banderas.

The Catch: Kidman really isn’t a prostitute at all but an elite assassin trained by the Guild of Shadows (or some such guild of BS) since birth to be a cold-blooded killer. It wasn’t fate that brought her and Antonio together – instead he’s her next target! What follows is a romantic comedy / slash action suspense adventure! In the end she predictably falls in love with Antonio and refuses to kill him. The Guild of Shadows doesn’t think very highly of this and thus sends their top TOP assassin (Jason Statham) to take out both her and her boyfriend.

The Tagline: “Nothing Can Stop Her Mission – Nothing But Love”

“Flashdance: The Next Generation”

The plot: Not a remake, but a “re-imagining” of the original 1983 smash hit. Nicole Kidman plays a tough street-smart woman in the down and out streets of Philly (delphia) Working as a welder by day and a legwarmer-wearing vixen by night she follows her dream of becoming a professional dancer and not a stripper like her friend.

The Catch: The whole “welder by day, dancer by night” is a clever ruse to keep people from realizing she’s actually fabricating stuff for the A-Team, specifically, building their ass-kicking weapons and machines so they can chase off (but not kill) criminal masterminds and villains. A synergy-filled merging of two of the hottest franchises from the 80’s!

The Tagline: “I piddy da foo who don’t see dis movie!”

“Cleopatra: Queen of the Fucking World”

The plot: A show-boating sex-bomb Egyptian queen (Kidman) turns Julius Caesar (Harrison Ford) into her personal love slave, thus starting a war between their two nations.

The Catch: Cleopatra, being the queen of the fucking world, is the one who actually plots Caesar’s death so she can cash in on his insurance policy before he annuls their sham marriage. (As an obvious dig at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) Brutus takes the fall but escapes prison to hunt down and kill Cleopatra for revenge. Only her hunky new personal love slave (Orlando Bloom) stands in the way of Brutus and the fair queen.

The Tagline: “She Ruled The World With Iron Thighs”

“The Sound of Music”

The plot: Playing off the success of “Moulin Rouge” Nicole Kidman plays Maria - the Austrian nun with a British accent and a Spanish name – who becomes a nanny for the Von Trapps during World War II and teaches them all to sing, love life and be happy.

The Catch: Kidman really isn’t a nun at all but a secret Nazi agent sent to either bring Commander Von Trapp (Russel Crowe again) into the German Navy or kill him if he refuses! Oh the drama! However she has a splendid singing voice and despite her Nazi-dom falls in love with the children and eventually Von Trapp himself. After a heart-breaking rendition of “Edelweiss” her and the family escape Austria via the Autobahn in a stolen truck containing Heavy Water for the Nazi A-bomb experiments while being chased by Tiger Tanks, Messerschmitt planes and the new experimental “Weapon X”.

The Tagline: “The Hills Are Alive – With the Sound of ACTION!”

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MY NEW RANT!

Entitled:

”10 Annoying Trends Started by Hit Movies”

(Previously to have been this week’s rant, before Nicole Kidman’s post-Oscar “I’ll do ANYTHING for $$$!” rampage both repulsed and inspired me)

This week I’m complaining about:

The aliens in ‘War of the Worlds’ better not have shields, dammit!

There’s really only been two “big ticket” Alien mass invasion movies - the original War of the Worlds (1953) and Independence Day (1996) These movies had two big things in common: special effect mass destruction and of course, aliens with shielded spaceships.

The problem with shielded spaceships is that for the first 2/3rds of the movie the aliens basically blast the hell out of whatever they want (typically national landmarks rather than items of military significance) and humans spend all their time shooting blindly at them or running away. Then in Act 3 the humans find some way to deactivate the shields (ie: with a Mac laptop at the end of Independence Day) or “mother nature” comes in and kills the alien intruders with bacteria / STD’s / mad cow disease. (I’m still waiting for one where the lead alien says “You know what? I think this is the wrong planet… Hm. Sorry about the mess”)

So now we’ve got the release of Steven Spielberg’s “War of the Worlds” coming up. I’m actually really looking forward to it as I think Spielberg is one of our better, if under appreciated, directors and really excels at “war” films. (1941 doesn’t count) He understands the human drama that is more important than the actual fighting, but on the same token delivers extremely well-done action scenes. Everything he shoots is done very clearly, you know exactly what’s going on and it’s all got a very realistic feel to it. And somehow he always gets excellent special effects into his movies, so well done they just seem real. It probably has something to do with him being buddies of the guy who owns ILM, but who knows?

Which is why if the aliens have shields I’m going to be very disappointed.

The thing is, this movie is called WAR of the worlds, not “One world comes down and has a shooting gallery out of our world” War is all about conflict and loss on both sides. If the aliens have shields, where’s the conflict? All we do is run away and watch our shit get blown up. Now this isn’t all bad but as mentioned, it’s been the course for the earlier alien invasion movies so I really hope Spielberg does something different.

Look at the Iraq war (Either one, take your pick) A superior force goes in and fights an inferior one, much like when aliens attack Earth. Now even though it’s obviously a one-sided battle the superior side still takes plenty of damage. Planes get shot down, helicopters blown up. Sure we still win but it’s not a total victory - lives and equipment are always lost in any large-scale battle.

Now look at the new War of the Worlds (WotW henceforth) Obviously, as seen in the trailer, these alien ships / tripods / whatever are huge and armed with weapons enough to kick our ass ten times over. But so why can’t a F-14 fly by and lob a few missiles at it, perhaps taking out a tentacle or maybe even knocking one down? Maybe a tank could blow a few holes in an alien vessel, and then get stepped on. (Insert Wilhelm scream) If the aliens have enough ships who cares? But if we can cause damager right away then it at least seems like we might have a chance - that we could put up a fight. Or win a battle. Or a WAR. Of the worlds!

Maybe I’m just worrying ahead of time but think of how cool it would be to see jets, tanks and maybe even battleships fighting, actually engaging in battle, with alien tripods! In most “alien invasion movies” to date the aforementioned vehicles lob rounds at the aliens, see them bounce off the god-damn SHIELDS, and then run away with their turrets between their legs. Cut to the President / geeky scientist wondering “What can stop those shields? Let’s think about it for an hour while a bevy of multi-ethic characters hug their wives and save their dogs!” That’s just lazy… I want a bullet, missile, shell and bomb filled ORGY of destruction! Think of how cool it could be, the superbly done battles of “Saving Private Ryan” but with the army fighting aliens. The mind reels at the possibilities.

I should give this film more credit, especially since I haven’t seen it. Spielberg is a HELL of a director who knows sci-fi better than people will ever give him credit for and if anyone can make this film kick ass it’s him. Remember, it was Spielberg who ended the curse of “saving the dog” in 90’s disaster movies when he had one eaten in Jurassic Park 2. No modern director has made the range and variety of war action movies that he has, from the inventive comic action of “Raiders”, to the human and refugee element of ‘Schindler’s List” and the utterly real violence of “Saving Private Ryan” I say “C’mon Steve! Make this the war to end all wars, the ultimate American refugee film, a behind-alien-lines suspense thriller with a heart of gold!” It could be one hell of a film if you think about it, and I’m crossing every finger in toe in hopes that it is.

Just don’t have shields, dammit!

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MY NEXT RANT!

Entitled:

”10 Annoying Trends Started by Hit Movies”

This week I’m complaining about:

Digital TV / Cable / Music

(WARNING: This article contains a lot of techno-babble talk and some rough language leveled at technology)

Digital TV is SHIT! Digital Cable is SHIT! Digital Music is CRAP! DVD’s are OK though!

We have reached a sad impasse in this world. People are accepting entertainment (TV, movies, music) of shitty quality simply because a magical word has been placed in front of it.

Digital!

I hate to break it to everyone, but almost every “digital” form of delivered entertainment is pure and utter shit. Why do you ask? I shall elaborate…

In the olden days media (the term I shall use to cover TV, music, etc) was recorded and delivered in analog form. This included TV shows that came over the airways, music on records and laserdiscs. “Analog” refers to the fact that different voltages of power were used to represent the picture (such as 1.5 volts, 4 volts or 2 volts) instead of digital 0’s and 1’s (which are usually +5 volts or 0 volts, cut and dried) The reason this was better was because the entire picture (or sound) was recorded and represented on the screen or in the picture. Though it was analog and thus subject to “flutter” (voltages might be a little off and cause distortion) you still “got everything” that was originally recorded.

Compact Discs (you know, CD’s) are digital but even they record everything, a large spectrum of sound, as digital data. The same goes for video laserdiscs, which record an analog video signal in digital form.

Then came compression and everything went to hell, especially for video.

“Compression” is the act of taking electronic media and removing “unused” portions to make the file size / bandwidth used smaller. In a digital MP3, for example, parts of the sound not heard by humans are removed along with some other stuff. In a digital video file (such as the very common MPEG2) most compressors only record the “difference” between the frames. So let’s say a newscaster is sitting in front of a set. Their mouth and head will move as they talk but the background will be still. Thus, the compressor only needs to record the moving parts of the picture constantly, whilst the background is only recorded/updated every second or so. This is why compressors such as MPEG as referred to as “talking head” compression schemes.

The MPEG2 scheme is widely used today in everything from DVD’s to digital cable to HDTV. It typically uses variable compression, which means the data rate can be changed on the fly (variably) to improve the quality of the picture.

Before I start ripping on digital TV and cable let’s look at DVD for an example of compression done right. A single-sided DVD that contains 2 hours of video can contain up to 4.7 gigabytes of data (Gigabytes as in how the size of your hard drive is measured) This translates to roughly 652k a second, that’s the data rate available as the video runs. (For a reference, a high-speed cable internet connection can transfer about 300k a second) However since a DVD is variable compression the player can use higher or lower data rates depending on the video.

For example, if a movie is playing a scene of Gandalf talking to Frodo there’s not much motion going on, just their mouths really. Therefore the DVD can use a lower data rate, let’s just say 300k/second, for that scene, saving space on the disc. Then, when an army of Orcs attack the DVD can use a higher data rate to better present the motion, action and detail of the scene, perhaps 1000k/second (1 megabyte). By using lower rates in places it free up overall space to allow higher data rates elsewhere.

This can also be called “mastering” the DVD, by optimizing the picture/data rate as much as possible by analyzing the detail and motion demands of the video on a frame-by-frame basis. Jones (you know, the site master) told me the DVD of Ridley Scott’s crap-fest “Legend” was delayed for several years. Upon watching it for a Shitty Movie Night I knew why – every scene contain floating dust, snow, flower petals or stripper glitter. That meant the backgrounds were always in motion and therefore probably a bitch to compress decently. On the other hand some cheap DVD’s of flop movies (such as “The Rocketeer” - starring Jennifer Connelly when she was hotter than shit on an Arizona tin roof) don’t give a shit about the picture quality and just sort of “dump” it onscreen, sometimes with a fixed compression rate. Some scenes may look OK, but others containing action and lots of movement don’t have the extra data available and look bad.

Now I’ve come to the point where I can rip on digital cable/TV because I’ve introduced the idea of a fixed compression rate. While a DVD can spin faster or slower to get more or less data as needed for a good picture streaming video services (such as digital TV and cable) have a fixed amount of bandwidth to work with. So a close-up of a flowerpot gets the same amount of bandwidth as an army of mosquitoes flying over a waterfall. The flower will look good, the mosquitoes like shit.

Remember when I mentioned how a high-speed internet connection can get 300k a second? Ok, so then imagine if that’s ALL the available bandwidth for a video – it’s less than a fixed rate DVD even! (appx 625k) It’s the same basic idea for digital TV that comes over your cable or from a dish. There’s a certain amount of bandwidth and that’s it – no more or less.

What really pisses me off is that people are made to think that it’s better. It’s not. Here’s a hint: the cable companies don’t want to give you anything better, only if it’s better for them. The reason they’re so hard over digital shit is that they can fit several compressed digital channels in the space of one old analog channel, thus streaming more stations of Texas Hold ‘Em and Fear Factor into your living room and bilking you for more money. Compression is not some magic bullet – if media is compressed you loose something. If media is compressed a lot (as with digital TV) you loose a lot.

What really sucks is even with my analog cable TV the station streams are compressed before even being sent to me as analog signals down my line! They’re probably compressed before being sent out to local markets, then decompressed and sent as analog, or passed along as digital if that’s what the person uses. So you get shitty digital quality even if you don’t ask for it! My favorite, the History Channel, comes in like this, even though I don’t have digital cable. What horseshit!

Look closely next time you watch digital cable (or as mentioned, probably a lot of your analog cable channels) Especially bad are close-up water effects, such as an electric toothbrush agitating water – everything turns to ass-looking “compression squares” like a really low-quality JPEG (internet picture) Look at the small text at the bottom of car ads and all the “lice” pixels hanging around it. BARF!

I remember in the past how football games were well photographed and look crystal clear on good old analog television. Well no more! I’m sure it’s not always this bad but last fall I saw a game (off Dish Network) and it was so fucking compressed the grass looked green – as in a solid color green like a 1980’s videogame. I thought I was watching god-damn John Madden Football on my Genesis until I realized the grass in that game actually had a texture to it. And the numbers on jerseys – forget about reading them! Why would you want to anyway, you’ve got DIGITAL TV!

How fucking stupid is it that TV had a better picture 10 years ago? How is that an advance? My car sucks – I must need a horse and buggy! Granted the American TV system (NTSC) is ancient - the color version of it hasn’t changed since 1953 – but why is it being replaced with something of lower quality? Oh yeah I forgot, so they can fit more lower quality channels in the space of 1 old good-quality channel.

Ok now it’s time for the big kicker of digital TV: Even if you get a digital cable package, with “1000 premium all-digital channels” once it goes onto your TV screen it’s no longer digital but ANALOG! Yes, that’s correct – your digital cable is analog! Ha ha ha ha ha!

This is because while the methods of delivering video have changed TV’s have not. Ok granted HDTV’s are different but those are still few and far between, despite what Hollywood and shows like “24” might make you think. The vast majority of people still have 4:3 ratio NTSC TV’s – even high-tech Sony Vega’s fall under this category. And these TV’s still use analog signals as inputs - even RGB (technically “component”) is analog, albeit a very good type. So a digital cable box must take its [shitty] digital signal and convert it to an analog form that your TV can display.

Of course in the future (or present, again if you believe commercials and Hollywood) everyone will have flat-panel LCD or OLED televisions. And then the shit will REALLY hit the fan. See, one slight saving grace of watching crappy digital video on a conventional CRT (tube-based) TV is that since the TV signal format is a bit primitive it “hides” a lot of errors in the digital picture, mostly due to the overall higher contrast of the tube. While an LCD screen, whose range is more even, will reveal more errors. For a good example of this try watching a DVD on your TV, then your laptop. (An 2D animated movie such as “Lilo & Stitch” works very well, unsuccessful 2D movies, such as the first Iron Giant DVD release, have much worse compression and look almost BAD on LCD’s) Using the laptop’s LCD, look at things like text on the screen, or the ink lines of animated characters. You’ll see “garbage squares” - similar to highly compressed JPEG pictures - around ink lines, and “bubbles” around text (when it appears over a picture) However the main color of a character is perfectly clear as it contains simple data (only 1 color) Also watch backgrounds – they’ll appear perfectly still under the camera pans, at which time they’re “jump” to life and move. Now while a DVD is usually well compressed digital TV is not - so imagine those kinds of errors, only much worse, on a LCD television from digital cable in the future. Yeech. I think we’d be almost better to go back to 1920’s-style mechanical TV (look up Mechanical TV sometime – pretty interesting stuff)

While HDTV is better than digital cable it’s still compressed and since most HDTV’s are flat-screen LCD variety the errors they do have are immediately apparent. Look at text and thin lines, such as newscast graphics. You’ll see garbage squares and bits of pixels “jump” around them. The overall resolution is much higher than TV, digital TV or even DVD’s but the same evils of compression are still there. And, as with digital cable, the streams are constant so they don’t get to use more or less data as needed.

Well I’m sure my ranting is not going to have any effect but the acceptance of lower-quality media by the public and the fact we’re made to think it’s better kinda pisses me off. Oh well. Maybe someday when digital cable becomes SO compressed (to fit in 5000 channels of Texas Hold ‘Em instead of the standard 100) and starts looking like video from a Sega CD-ROM game (and I’ve seen some digital movies off cable that, in parts, look ALMOST that bad) people will notice and say “Enough is enough!” That is if they haven’t become complete TV zombies yet.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MY NEXT RANT!

Entitled:

”The aliens in ‘War of the Worlds’ better not have shields, dammit!”

This week I’m complaining about:

People (columnists, newswriters) who think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ romance is a publicity stunt to help out “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds”.

If you’ve gone to the grocery store or ever seen any entertainment-related news story in the last month you’re surely aware that Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes, who is nearly 20 years his junior. Normally when an older movie star/record producer dates someone young enough to be their daughter (or granddaughter in Celine Dion’s case) nobody pays it a second thought. But for some reason people think the Cruise/Holmes thing is just a ploy to get more people to see “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds”, and you see “quotation“ marks around any word used to describe their romance. (IE, Holmes is “happy” with Tom)

That is complete and utterly stupid horseshit. First off what’s her nuts… Penelope Cruz is only about 7 years older than Holmes and Tom did her for a while. Secondly, Tom Cruise is the single most sure-fire hit making star currently in Hollywood. Practically every film he does makes at least $100 million, even if it’s something as weird as “Vanilla Sky” or off-beat like him being a Samurai and slicing off heads. Not even Tom Hanks or pre-Passion Mel Gibson had such good runs. In fact without even checking I’m pretty sure the only Tom Cruise movies to not break $100 million since, oh how about 1992, are “Far and Away”, “Magnolia” and “Eyes Wide Shut”.

But what really made me laugh, well actually, pissed me off was a recent article/story again saying the Tom/Katie thing was BS, then also saying that “War of the Worlds” needed the help because Spielberg was on a box-office slide. Ok that is just re-god-damn-diculas. Spielberg makes the movies he WANTS to make and doesn’t give a tinker’s damn if anyone likes them (The underrated and much-loathed “AI” for example) Not to mention he’s directed several of the top films of all time and, along with George Lucas, single-filmingly redefined American “summer movie smashes” with “Jaws”, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “ET” and “Jurassic Park”, not to mention the scores of smash hits he’s executive-produced.

But NO! “War of the Worlds” is a sinking ship and obviously needs a scandal to get people in seats come this 4th of July weekend because Spielberg doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. I can imagine how the pitch meeting went:

PARAMOUNT EXECUTIVE
Well Mr. Spielberg, it seems here you’d like to make a “War of the Worlds” movie…

STEVEN
Yes sir, that’s correct.

EXECUTIVE
I don’t know, sounds expensive. And are you sure you’re experienced enough to handle it?

STEVEN
Um, I’ve done every movie on budget since 1981. And I have a few Oscars… my own studio…

EXECUTIVE
Yes, well I know you’ve made us BILLIONS with your, what was it, Indiana something series, but I think this “War” thing is too much of a risk. Yeah. In fact we’re probably going to greenlight “The Shadow 2” instead.

STEVEN
Well, what if it starred Tom Cruise?

EXECUTIVE
Tom Cruise? Are you fucking kidding me? “Mission Impossible 2″ only made about half a billion worldwide. And in Euros it’s even less. Sorry, I just can’t justify those numbers son.

STEVEN [nervous]
Ok, I’ve got an idea. Let’s start shooting, but shortly before release I’ll convince Tom to start a sham romance with someone half his age!

EXECUTIVE
Ah, now you’re making sense! The millions we spend on advertising will be shored up by the free Tom plugs in tabloid articles read by forty-something soccer moms who will then no doubt flock to see a killer alien invasion flick.

STEVEN
Exactly! So… I’ve got a green light then? Huh? Huh? PLEEEASSSEEE???

EXECUTIVE
Well… Ok.

STEVEN
YIPPEE!!!

And with that Steven got to make his killer alien movie. Near the wrapping of it though he was forced to confront his good buddy Tom Cruise…

STEVEN
Tom, I think we need to have a talk…

TOM
About what? You already told me where babies come from…

STEVEN
I’m afraid this is more serious Tom. [sigh] I’m sorry, but the studio wants you to start a sham romance with a young chick. It’s the only way people will go see our movie.

TOM
What? But… why? Why don’t people want to see it right now?

STEVEN
I’m just not a good enough a director. And our $200 million of effects and destruction simply won’t cut it these days. I mean, I thought I could make a good war movie like I did with “Saving Private Ryan” but… I guess I was wrong. You’re our only hope.

TOM
Fine. I guess I did just dump that Cruz woman anyway. Do you have anyone in mind?

STEVEN
Well… what about that Katie Holmes from Dawson’s Creek?

TOM
THAT COW? Are you kidding? It’d be a total “bag over the head” thing!

STEVEN
Do it for me, Tom. Please?

TOM
Ok. I guess if I was in “Legend” I can stoop to this…

STEVEN
Shh! You’re not supposed to mention that!

MEANWHILE, ON THE SET OF “BATMAN BEGINS”, ANOTHER TROUBLED, SURE-FIRE FLOP…

JENNY [BEST FRIEND OF KATIE HOLMES]
Katie! Like OH MY GOD! Tom Cruise is coming over to your trailer!

KATIE
Oh GOD not him again… He’s got a face like a horse!

JENNY
Well I think he’s cute!

KATIE
You would.

TOM enters the trailer, a bouquet of red roses in one hand.

TOM
Hiya Katie. You don’t know me - my name is Tom Cruise. I hope you like roses…

KATIE
Oh yeah, they’re great. In fact, I’ll put them right next to my “Cocktail” DVD - in the trash!

TOM
Katie, baby, gimme a chance huh?

JENNY [embarrassed]
I am like, SO out of here.

Jenny leaves. Tom checks to make sure she’s out of earshot, then swoops in for the kill.

TOM
I hear “Batman Begins” is having trouble…

KATIE
What do you mean?

TOM
I mean I hear nobody wants to see it. That it’s gonna sink Warner Brothers. That it’s so bad they’re thinking about putting the Bat-Nipples back on and spray-painting everything bright green.

KATIE
Who told you this?

TOM
That’s unimportant. But perhaps we can help each other out…

KATIE
I’m listening…

TOM
All we have to do is start a “love affair” and the tabloids and media will go nuts. That’ll translate DIRECTLY into box office dollars for our movies.

KATIE
I guess when you put it that way, yeah… Ok I’m in!

TOM
YIPPEE!!! Now give me some sugar, baby!

If those scenes sounded realistic, well it’s because that’s obviously what happened if you believe all the talk. I guess when “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds” both become big hits it’ll be thanks solely to Tom and Katie, and once all the dollars are in they’ll break it off (until they star in future “sure fire flops” like “Mission Impossible 3″).

All joking aside here’s a REAL sham romance publicity stunt that none of these E! exclusive types seem to notice: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Think about it: Aside from “Troy” Brad Pitt hasn’t had a success in nearly 10 years and Jolie got lucky with the god-awful “Tomb Raider” but has made exactly ZERO hit movies beyond that. (Or beyond borders) Put it all together this June and it’s sure bet that “Mr and Mrs. Smith” is going to flop harder than a 10 ton pancake dropped from a 747. Oh but I’m sure it looked good on paper:

EXECUTIVE
Boy am I glad that Spielberg punk is outta my office… Come in!

DOUG LIMAN
[director of Mr and Mrs Smith] Hey there! Have I got a deal for you!

EXECUTIVE
Hit me.

DOUG
Ok - True Lies, the movie where the husband was a spy but his wife didn’t know, made like $150 million U.S. right?

EXECUTIVE
Yeah…

DOUG
Ok so get this – if I make a movie where BOTH the husband and wife are spies and neither one knows then we’ll make DOUBLE that!

EXECUTIVE
You know… that makes sense. And wow that’s like, what, $200 million right? I can’t actually do math…

DOUG
Close enough - at any rate it’s MORE! So whadda think?

EXECUTIVE
I’ve already started righting the checks son. So who’s gonna star in this thing?

DOUG
Well the best way to shore up the success of a $100 million production is to use two stars with abysmal track records…

EXECUTIVE
Of course. So what like – Tom Cruise?

DOUG
Actually I was thinking Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. It’ll be a PERFECT date movie, complete with guns and explosions!

EXECUTIVE
God you’re brilliant. But wait a minute – won’t girls stay away because Jolie’s a buxom big-lipped-and-boobed bimbo, and guys will steer clear cause it’s got Brad “I was a heart throb during the first Clinton term” Pitt?

DOUG
I don’t see that happening. Studies say people really connect with actors much more attractive than they are.

EXECUTIVE
I’m convinced! Ok here’s a check for $100 million, plus, aw what the hell, another $100 million – why not, I’m sure this’ll beat “Titanic”. That boat movie didn’t have Brad Pitt, you know!

Well that’s my take on it I guess. But only time (and box office return) will truly tell…

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MY NEXT RANT!

I have no clue what it’ll be about yet, probably something videogame-related. Maybe Mario and Lara Croft will start a faux romance to help sell the Nintendo DS and I complain about that… I can only hope!

By Ben Heckendorn

In Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace Anakin’s mother Shmi says that the boy “has no father.” - leading the Jedi to believe he was conceived by Midi files or some such nonsense. Obviously this is complete horse crap which then begs the question: who IS responsible for the little twerp? After exhaustive research I have been able to compile a list of the most likely suspects along with the how, why and when for each alleged deed. So without further ado, let’s see if we can decide WHO IS ANAKIN’S FATHER?

R2D2

Occupation: Ass-kicking robot trash can

Parental Likelyhood: 15%

Your first reaction to this is probably that R2D2 is a robot and thus can’t father a biological son. But try to keep a few things in mind:

• It’s a movie with spaceships, the Force and lines like “I hate sand”
• Darth Vader (who, SPOILER ALERT, used to be Anakin) IS mostly machine
•  R2D2 has that access probe thing he’s always whipping out for whatever reason.

Now that I’ve answered the question of could it be done we must next tackle the how, why, when and where. Consider if you will… 

In her early years young Shmi Skywalker attended a public university on the planet Naboo. But her wild nights and hard-partying lifestyle made Paris Hilton look like Mary Poppins and it took a toll on Shmi’s studies. Failing in her classes she turned ever increasingly to alcohol, debauchery and deathsticks.

One night, staggering home after a bender, she came across an equally drunk R2D2. He beeped a wolf’s whistle her way and she couldn’t help but be aroused. See, she’d run into him a few times on campus (he was majoring in robo-ass-kicking 101) and figured “what the hell, he’s a good-looking guy” Jumping on top of his can, she caught a ride back to his place and they shared their passions well into the next morning.

Two months later Shmi was a girl in trouble and R2 - not wanting his future wages garnished - was nowhere to be found. The only thing he’d left behind was a note written with beeps she couldn’t understand. (R2 planned it that way) Her debts astronomical, the only remaining recourse was the Tatooine mail-order-bride racket, where a certain “Watto” was willing to pay off her tab in return for absolute slave-hood. Figuring she’d go back to school “someday” she accepted his offer, flew to Tatooine, popped out Anakin and pretended the whole college thing never happened.

Postscript: Upon seeing R2D2 come to her house in Episode I her blood ran cold, then she quickly dismissed it as “There must be a THOUSAND blue robots! Millions!”

Yoda

Occupation: Wise green Muppet/CGI mentor

Parental Likelyhood: 15%

Chicks dig older men (like Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, Jack Elam) so when it comes to 800 year-old Yoda it’s usually “your place or mine” at first glance. Sure, he may have a diminutive stature and walk slower than a worm but the Force is Strong with him. Take that as you may…

Now that you’re convinced Yoda’s a complete and utter chick magnet let’s get down to the business of how HE got down to business… with Shmi!

“Who Wants To Be a Jedi?” was the top TV show back in the day and young twenty-something Shmi didn’t miss a single episode. Every week she’d watch it and com-link in her vote for the best contestant. One day, as luck would have it, a recruiter for the show happened into Watto’s shop on Tatooine…

“Gut te nola!” croaked Watto, counting money and drinking a Hamm’s “We a got what cha need!”

The recruiter, trained to act as if he likes anyone (despite how disgusting or blue they may look) promptly blurted out “What I need, and I totally think you’re perfect for this, is…. Drumroll folks… The Next Republic Jedi!”

“Next a WHAT? Jedi ehh…? Bums! I don’t a ta like ‘em Not one bit! I am an Italian Mobster caricature you know, so don’t a cross me either!” Watto grumbled, reaching for his trusty tire iron.

“Excuse me” said a shy Shmi walking into the room “but can I have a chance?”

“Like oh – my – GAWD! You’d be perfect honey!” the recruiter exclaimed, practically falling over himself to give Shmi an entry form “Just fill this out and you’ll be on your way!”

A month later on the show things weren’t going so great for the eager Shmi…

“I do not see how you expect to swing your lightsaber into an opponent when you can barely swing it through the air” Mace Windu dished out in bitter judgement. “You have the grace of a cardboard bulldozer driving over a field of greased bowling balls”

“But-“ Shmi insisted.

“Agree do I” agreed Yoda “Skill have you not. But have you do is a smokin’ booty!”

“I wanna be a Jedi not a bimbo!” Shmi said, starting to cry.

“Unlikely to happen it is.” Yoda said, then gravely continued “As of now no Jedi in you do have.”

A lengthy pause…

“Would a little Jedi in you like to have?”

Shmi’s initial reaction was disgust – this wrinkled old green guy was actually hitting on her! Sadly it was her only hope if she truly wanted to become a Jedi. Begrudgedly she followed Yoda back to his swank apartment.

“Your daddy who is!” the green horn-bag said, popping a few Levitra (ask your doctor) Suddenly, Shmi didn’t think he looked so bad after all… No, he’s actually quite cute… So cute, why, he wouldn’t have to play a Jedi mind trick to get me in the sack. Nah! Never! Yeah he’s…. wait – it’s already the next morning and he’s gone! Where are my pants?

The scandal shook the Jedi council to its very foundations. Yoda’s sexual escapades were well known yet this latest shagging of a commoner - especially one from the Jedi’s own reality show - was a bombshell. Disgraced and hounded by paparazzi Shmi crawled back to Tatooine and didn’t tell Watto a thing.

Two months later Shmi’s a girl in trouble but all Watto cares about is the new free help he’ll have in the shop. “As long as I’M a not the father, I a don’t a care!” he cackled upon seeing her emerge from the bathroom with a purple-hued stick “Heh heh heh… Hope he can clean switches and say Yippee!”

Jabba the Hut

Occupation: Eats

Parental Likelyhood: 20%

Jabba the Hut is to Tatooine as Bill Gates is to computers: He rules it all - whether you like it or not. Granted it may seem unlikely that a character as gruesome and fat as Jabba could father a child (much less find his own equipment) but think about it – baby Jabbas have to come from SOMEWHERE, as it sure as hell ain’t a stork! Let’s explore the possibilities:

“Ju-tu moolia churm!” Jabba bellowed one morning upon waking up in a pool of his own vomit “Goosh neena plurb known-yah!”

Translations by Google: “God I’m hungover!” “What the hell happened last night?”

A jittery protocol droid ambled forth. “Oh mighty carriage-endowed Jabba! Last night you accidentally ate… oh dear… your dancing metal bikini slave girl!”

“Bantha-podo!” Jabba blurted, smacking the droid with a flabby hand “Jippo dun tanna mass torga DU tuppa doie-yah!”

Translations by Google: “Horse-crap!” “I fully intended to eat that saucy wench – AND her metal bikini!”

The droid picked himself off the floor “A trillion apologies oh cellulose one. Might I suggest you find a new slave girl to drag around?”

“Jaaaaaa…. Meen toya!” Jabba pondered “Goosh yuppa je joppa!”

Translations by Google: “Ahhhhh! Good idea!” “I shall hit the bars!”

The Cantina was one of the most happening bars on the planet - everybody went there on a Friday night to have a good time (and buy power convertors) Some nights they’d have live bands, other times they’d fire up the old karaoke machine, but young Shmi Skywalker didn’t much care either way - if there was a gaggle of horny moisture farm-boys around she’d be happy.

Mulling over her third blue milk-colored drink Shmi felt the presence of someone slide up behind her. Maybe it’s the hunk I made eyes with earlier, she wondered, unconsciously sniffing her armpits. Armpits OK she turned and saw:

JABBA DU HUT!

“Muh cha dunno de banka?” he blurbed out, a stream of phlegm tricking down his chin and onto Shmi’s miniskirt.

Jabba’s droid waddled up. “Excuse me. The mighty artery-clogged one asks if he may buy you a drink.”

“Ask him what kind of car he drives” Shmi snapped. The droid relayed the question to Jabba, who immediately laughed.

“Har har har ho! Chon dunno konk je nobba bonko – chon bonko muh hassa duh chon!”

“Jabba states that he doesn’t have to drive a car – his private chauffeur drives for him!”

Shmi, always a sucker for money, was impressed. “Rich, huh?”

“Gujeppa…. Chuin buine com passa duh gubba-jeeb.” Jabba whispered into her ear, careful to only get a little drool on her blouse “Chum passa du tuppa doie-yah yuppa je onna”

The droid looked somewhat flushed, then said “Jabba asks if you would accompany him back to his palace-“

“Palace?” Shmi jolted out.

“Yes, his palace,” the droid continued “He’s got a… metal bikini he’d like you to try on.”

“Lemme get my purse” Shmi cooed softly. She was sold – sure he was disgusting, but he was RICH and disgusting.

After a couple of weeks she grew tired of being drug around by a chain (the appeal wears off) but enjoyed the otherwise lavish lifestyle enough to stick around. Then one night after a nasty domestic dispute Jabba tried to eat her and it pretty much ended right there. Enraged by her not-wanting-to-be-digested insolence Jabba sold her to Watto for a pittance, dooming her to a life of slave-dom. Little did Shmi know that because of her time with Jabba she now carried inside her the seed of a man who would become… [SPOILER ALERT] Darth Vader!

Jar Jar Binks

Occupation: Screws things up, babbles, accepts “moui macho” responsibilities

Parental Likelyhood: 20%

“My afraid mine been banished!” Jar Jar cryptically told the Jedi in Episode I. Upon further questioning he revealed it was because of his clumsiness. A likely excuse to be sure! Here’s a more logical one…

Young and comely Shmi Skywalker always enjoyed her yearly summer trips with Watto to the resorts on Naboo. But as the years passed she found the excursions to be ever increasingly boring. Maybe she was just getting older, approaching womanhood, and outgrowing such a thing. Maybe it was Watto’s smell. Or maybe it was something else…

Summer came and she found herself once again at the Nubian resort. Watto was off having a Swedish massage (“Ahhh….. A that’s a what I like-a!”) so Shmi decided to take a walk through the woods. From over a ridge she thought her heard a sound… no, not a sound, but music. Yes, a jumpin’ rhythm… a salsa-like beat! Intrigued she wandered towards it…

The valley before her was filled with Gungans, all dancing and whooping it up. One young strapping Gungan in particular caught her eye. Though he couldn’t really dance worth a shit his seizure-like flailing had a certain machismo that aroused Shmi’s inner beast. In a trance-like state she ambled up and asked his name.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks!” hesa said, grabbing her into his dance “Yousa pitty hot!”

Smitten, Shmi fell helplessly into his allure. Number after number, dance after dance, drink after drink she felt more and more one with the Gungan until later that night, back in his bachelor pad, she really DID become one with him! Screams of “Yousa! Mesa!” were heard throughout the land.

The summer continued on. Watto spent all his time at the massage palor/whorehouse and barely cared where Shmi went wandering off every day. Little did he know that a certain Nubian native was railing on his slave with a reckless abandon he could only dream of.

August came and it was time to go home. Watto eyed up Shmi as she packed her bags.

“Shmi? Are you a gettin’ FAT?” He quizzed, noting a difference in her girth.

Shmi felt her stomach “Um… well… no… but…”

“Wait! You’ve a been knocked a up!” her blue master growled.

“No! It can’t be! I mean… oh no!” she cried, flailing herself onto the bed.

“No problem!” Watto consoled “It means a free slave for a me! Heh heh heh… So! Just a be tellin’ me whose the father…”

“It was…” she stammered, “it was…” Her mind raced. She couldn’t betray her beloved Jar-Jar. It might mean his death – or worse! Desperate, she thought of anyone else on Naboo she could blame it on…

“Panaka! It was Panaka!” she cried out “A royal guard in the Nubian court!”

Little did Shmi know that Panaka - who she’d run across in the past but thought nothing of - was, despite being a horrible actor, quite wealthy and could afford the best lawyers Republic credits could buy. The patronage trial began with a cross-delegation of Gungans and Humans, judged by Boss Nass, leader of the Gungans himself.

“ Mesa havin’ been weighed all the evidence. And mesa also know who the REAL father is” Boss Nass said. He then turned to the nervous Panaka, who gulped along with his lawyer.

“Meesa knowa you notta the one done got Shmi in trouble!” mumbled Boss Nass “When meesa wrong meesa SAY I’m wrong. BRRRRRRWRAAAHHHH!” He then turned solemnly to Jar Jar, who gulped upon his gaze. Nass knew Jar-Jar to be a screw-up, and a horny one at that.

“Binksssssssssss! Yousa havin’ affair with this herein bonko?”

Jar Jar turned white as a sheet “Uh…. Uh huh!”

“BRRRRRRWRAAAHHHH! Yousa to being pewnunished! Meesa banisha yousa outaa bonko theesa kingdomesa!”

Translations by Google: “???”

“NOOOOOSA!” Jar Jar cried “Giva meesa another chance-a!”

“Be gone with heem!” Boss Nass exclaimed, waving a flabby hand. Jar Jar was then escorted out of the kingdom to become an exile, a Gungan without a home, a country, or a hope. He sustained himself by tripping over things in the forest and then eating them. His life of hermit-like solitude made him become celibate and regret his earlier gigolo-esque days…

Later in Episode I Jar-Jar was adamantly against wandering around Mos Espa - not because he might get “robba-ed and crunched!’ but for fear of running into Shmi and being forced to cough up child support. When he did run across her in Anakin’s home he remained silent as did she, a kind of silent pact of acceptance. Though when he started grabbing apples Shmi couldn’t help but think back to all the wonderful memories of that tongue… Alas, she decided not to tell Jar-Jar that he was really the father of her son, who would one day become [SPOILER ALERT!] Darth Vader!

Count Dooku

Occupation: Starts trouble, aligns himself with Dark Lords, commands thousands of Orcs/robots with a wave of his hand.

Parental Likelyhood: 30%

“I have a problem, Darth Sidious my Master” Count Dooku confessed one night in the Sith bordello he and other evil Jedi often visited.

“What is it, my young apprentice?” croaked Sidious, who was really [SPOILER ALERT] Senator Palpatine but with a hood over his eyes so no one (but the audience) could tell.

“It is in the sack. Using my Jedi Mind tricks (and charisma) I have no trouble getting the ladies home, but once there… Ug. It just falls apart.”

“I understand my evil Padawan learner. The Dark Side has many advantages, but also many side effects - including nausea, headache and impotence. You should have asked your doctor first.” Sidious snarled in an ambiguous manner.

“Guide me, oh master.”

“There is a young slave by the name of Shmi Skywalker who works in this very bordello. She would make an excellent host for a new evil Jedi.”

“Why don’t you sire the child yourself, oh not-so-mysterious one?”

“I have often tried. However, when I lower my hood I also become quite ugly, so even with my mind control she always just throws a drink in my face.” Sidious admitted, a look of despair over the visible part of his face. “I therefore pass the task onto you.”

“But… what about my problem?” Dooku stammered hopelessly.

“Get her into the bedroom my young apprentice; I will help you from there.” Sidious said, an evil grin smearing over his face.

Later that night Dooku led the young slave Shmi under a red light, through a doorway and into a smelly room consisting of a bed, B&W TV and an old 70’s style VCR. One thing led to another and then it was time to go for it.

Dooku however wasn’t up for the task. Literally. Shmi grew impatient and checked her watch - Dooku’s 30 minutes were almost up and she was booked solid for the rest of the night. Suddenly a voice boomed through the darkness… It was Darth Sidious!

“Lord Dooku?” he asked.

Dooku was a bit taken aback, and then realized who it was. “Yes master?”

“RIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!!!”

The rest of Dooku and Shmi’s time went as planned and Sidious watched on, cackling evilly. A few months later Shmi was a girl in trouble and the bordello sold her to a certain blue junkyard owner on Tatooine. Later on she bore a young, innocent son named Anakin, who would one day become [SPOILER ALERT] Darth Vader!

EPILOGUE

So there you have it. All the possible fathers for Anakin to kill. Granted some are more likely than others but come next month, upon the release of Episode III, we’ll see which one of these really turns out to be… ANAKIN’S FATHER!