This week I’m complaining about:

Digital TV / Cable / Music

(WARNING: This article contains a lot of techno-babble talk and some rough language leveled at technology)

Digital TV is SHIT! Digital Cable is SHIT! Digital Music is CRAP! DVD’s are OK though!

We have reached a sad impasse in this world. People are accepting entertainment (TV, movies, music) of shitty quality simply because a magical word has been placed in front of it.

Digital!

I hate to break it to everyone, but almost every “digital” form of delivered entertainment is pure and utter shit. Why do you ask? I shall elaborate…

In the olden days media (the term I shall use to cover TV, music, etc) was recorded and delivered in analog form. This included TV shows that came over the airways, music on records and laserdiscs. “Analog” refers to the fact that different voltages of power were used to represent the picture (such as 1.5 volts, 4 volts or 2 volts) instead of digital 0’s and 1’s (which are usually +5 volts or 0 volts, cut and dried) The reason this was better was because the entire picture (or sound) was recorded and represented on the screen or in the picture. Though it was analog and thus subject to “flutter” (voltages might be a little off and cause distortion) you still “got everything” that was originally recorded.

Compact Discs (you know, CD’s) are digital but even they record everything, a large spectrum of sound, as digital data. The same goes for video laserdiscs, which record an analog video signal in digital form.

Then came compression and everything went to hell, especially for video.

“Compression” is the act of taking electronic media and removing “unused” portions to make the file size / bandwidth used smaller. In a digital MP3, for example, parts of the sound not heard by humans are removed along with some other stuff. In a digital video file (such as the very common MPEG2) most compressors only record the “difference” between the frames. So let’s say a newscaster is sitting in front of a set. Their mouth and head will move as they talk but the background will be still. Thus, the compressor only needs to record the moving parts of the picture constantly, whilst the background is only recorded/updated every second or so. This is why compressors such as MPEG as referred to as “talking head” compression schemes.

The MPEG2 scheme is widely used today in everything from DVD’s to digital cable to HDTV. It typically uses variable compression, which means the data rate can be changed on the fly (variably) to improve the quality of the picture.

Before I start ripping on digital TV and cable let’s look at DVD for an example of compression done right. A single-sided DVD that contains 2 hours of video can contain up to 4.7 gigabytes of data (Gigabytes as in how the size of your hard drive is measured) This translates to roughly 652k a second, that’s the data rate available as the video runs. (For a reference, a high-speed cable internet connection can transfer about 300k a second) However since a DVD is variable compression the player can use higher or lower data rates depending on the video.

For example, if a movie is playing a scene of Gandalf talking to Frodo there’s not much motion going on, just their mouths really. Therefore the DVD can use a lower data rate, let’s just say 300k/second, for that scene, saving space on the disc. Then, when an army of Orcs attack the DVD can use a higher data rate to better present the motion, action and detail of the scene, perhaps 1000k/second (1 megabyte). By using lower rates in places it free up overall space to allow higher data rates elsewhere.

This can also be called “mastering” the DVD, by optimizing the picture/data rate as much as possible by analyzing the detail and motion demands of the video on a frame-by-frame basis. Jones (you know, the site master) told me the DVD of Ridley Scott’s crap-fest “Legend” was delayed for several years. Upon watching it for a Shitty Movie Night I knew why – every scene contain floating dust, snow, flower petals or stripper glitter. That meant the backgrounds were always in motion and therefore probably a bitch to compress decently. On the other hand some cheap DVD’s of flop movies (such as “The Rocketeer” - starring Jennifer Connelly when she was hotter than shit on an Arizona tin roof) don’t give a shit about the picture quality and just sort of “dump” it onscreen, sometimes with a fixed compression rate. Some scenes may look OK, but others containing action and lots of movement don’t have the extra data available and look bad.

Now I’ve come to the point where I can rip on digital cable/TV because I’ve introduced the idea of a fixed compression rate. While a DVD can spin faster or slower to get more or less data as needed for a good picture streaming video services (such as digital TV and cable) have a fixed amount of bandwidth to work with. So a close-up of a flowerpot gets the same amount of bandwidth as an army of mosquitoes flying over a waterfall. The flower will look good, the mosquitoes like shit.

Remember when I mentioned how a high-speed internet connection can get 300k a second? Ok, so then imagine if that’s ALL the available bandwidth for a video – it’s less than a fixed rate DVD even! (appx 625k) It’s the same basic idea for digital TV that comes over your cable or from a dish. There’s a certain amount of bandwidth and that’s it – no more or less.

What really pisses me off is that people are made to think that it’s better. It’s not. Here’s a hint: the cable companies don’t want to give you anything better, only if it’s better for them. The reason they’re so hard over digital shit is that they can fit several compressed digital channels in the space of one old analog channel, thus streaming more stations of Texas Hold ‘Em and Fear Factor into your living room and bilking you for more money. Compression is not some magic bullet – if media is compressed you loose something. If media is compressed a lot (as with digital TV) you loose a lot.

What really sucks is even with my analog cable TV the station streams are compressed before even being sent to me as analog signals down my line! They’re probably compressed before being sent out to local markets, then decompressed and sent as analog, or passed along as digital if that’s what the person uses. So you get shitty digital quality even if you don’t ask for it! My favorite, the History Channel, comes in like this, even though I don’t have digital cable. What horseshit!

Look closely next time you watch digital cable (or as mentioned, probably a lot of your analog cable channels) Especially bad are close-up water effects, such as an electric toothbrush agitating water – everything turns to ass-looking “compression squares” like a really low-quality JPEG (internet picture) Look at the small text at the bottom of car ads and all the “lice” pixels hanging around it. BARF!

I remember in the past how football games were well photographed and look crystal clear on good old analog television. Well no more! I’m sure it’s not always this bad but last fall I saw a game (off Dish Network) and it was so fucking compressed the grass looked green – as in a solid color green like a 1980’s videogame. I thought I was watching god-damn John Madden Football on my Genesis until I realized the grass in that game actually had a texture to it. And the numbers on jerseys – forget about reading them! Why would you want to anyway, you’ve got DIGITAL TV!

How fucking stupid is it that TV had a better picture 10 years ago? How is that an advance? My car sucks – I must need a horse and buggy! Granted the American TV system (NTSC) is ancient - the color version of it hasn’t changed since 1953 – but why is it being replaced with something of lower quality? Oh yeah I forgot, so they can fit more lower quality channels in the space of 1 old good-quality channel.

Ok now it’s time for the big kicker of digital TV: Even if you get a digital cable package, with “1000 premium all-digital channels” once it goes onto your TV screen it’s no longer digital but ANALOG! Yes, that’s correct – your digital cable is analog! Ha ha ha ha ha!

This is because while the methods of delivering video have changed TV’s have not. Ok granted HDTV’s are different but those are still few and far between, despite what Hollywood and shows like “24” might make you think. The vast majority of people still have 4:3 ratio NTSC TV’s – even high-tech Sony Vega’s fall under this category. And these TV’s still use analog signals as inputs - even RGB (technically “component”) is analog, albeit a very good type. So a digital cable box must take its [shitty] digital signal and convert it to an analog form that your TV can display.

Of course in the future (or present, again if you believe commercials and Hollywood) everyone will have flat-panel LCD or OLED televisions. And then the shit will REALLY hit the fan. See, one slight saving grace of watching crappy digital video on a conventional CRT (tube-based) TV is that since the TV signal format is a bit primitive it “hides” a lot of errors in the digital picture, mostly due to the overall higher contrast of the tube. While an LCD screen, whose range is more even, will reveal more errors. For a good example of this try watching a DVD on your TV, then your laptop. (An 2D animated movie such as “Lilo & Stitch” works very well, unsuccessful 2D movies, such as the first Iron Giant DVD release, have much worse compression and look almost BAD on LCD’s) Using the laptop’s LCD, look at things like text on the screen, or the ink lines of animated characters. You’ll see “garbage squares” - similar to highly compressed JPEG pictures - around ink lines, and “bubbles” around text (when it appears over a picture) However the main color of a character is perfectly clear as it contains simple data (only 1 color) Also watch backgrounds – they’ll appear perfectly still under the camera pans, at which time they’re “jump” to life and move. Now while a DVD is usually well compressed digital TV is not - so imagine those kinds of errors, only much worse, on a LCD television from digital cable in the future. Yeech. I think we’d be almost better to go back to 1920’s-style mechanical TV (look up Mechanical TV sometime – pretty interesting stuff)

While HDTV is better than digital cable it’s still compressed and since most HDTV’s are flat-screen LCD variety the errors they do have are immediately apparent. Look at text and thin lines, such as newscast graphics. You’ll see garbage squares and bits of pixels “jump” around them. The overall resolution is much higher than TV, digital TV or even DVD’s but the same evils of compression are still there. And, as with digital cable, the streams are constant so they don’t get to use more or less data as needed.

Well I’m sure my ranting is not going to have any effect but the acceptance of lower-quality media by the public and the fact we’re made to think it’s better kinda pisses me off. Oh well. Maybe someday when digital cable becomes SO compressed (to fit in 5000 channels of Texas Hold ‘Em instead of the standard 100) and starts looking like video from a Sega CD-ROM game (and I’ve seen some digital movies off cable that, in parts, look ALMOST that bad) people will notice and say “Enough is enough!” That is if they haven’t become complete TV zombies yet.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MY NEXT RANT!

Entitled:

”The aliens in ‘War of the Worlds’ better not have shields, dammit!”

This week I’m complaining about:

People (columnists, newswriters) who think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ romance is a publicity stunt to help out “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds”.

If you’ve gone to the grocery store or ever seen any entertainment-related news story in the last month you’re surely aware that Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes, who is nearly 20 years his junior. Normally when an older movie star/record producer dates someone young enough to be their daughter (or granddaughter in Celine Dion’s case) nobody pays it a second thought. But for some reason people think the Cruise/Holmes thing is just a ploy to get more people to see “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds”, and you see “quotation“ marks around any word used to describe their romance. (IE, Holmes is “happy” with Tom)

That is complete and utterly stupid horseshit. First off what’s her nuts… Penelope Cruz is only about 7 years older than Holmes and Tom did her for a while. Secondly, Tom Cruise is the single most sure-fire hit making star currently in Hollywood. Practically every film he does makes at least $100 million, even if it’s something as weird as “Vanilla Sky” or off-beat like him being a Samurai and slicing off heads. Not even Tom Hanks or pre-Passion Mel Gibson had such good runs. In fact without even checking I’m pretty sure the only Tom Cruise movies to not break $100 million since, oh how about 1992, are “Far and Away”, “Magnolia” and “Eyes Wide Shut”.

But what really made me laugh, well actually, pissed me off was a recent article/story again saying the Tom/Katie thing was BS, then also saying that “War of the Worlds” needed the help because Spielberg was on a box-office slide. Ok that is just re-god-damn-diculas. Spielberg makes the movies he WANTS to make and doesn’t give a tinker’s damn if anyone likes them (The underrated and much-loathed “AI” for example) Not to mention he’s directed several of the top films of all time and, along with George Lucas, single-filmingly redefined American “summer movie smashes” with “Jaws”, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “ET” and “Jurassic Park”, not to mention the scores of smash hits he’s executive-produced.

But NO! “War of the Worlds” is a sinking ship and obviously needs a scandal to get people in seats come this 4th of July weekend because Spielberg doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. I can imagine how the pitch meeting went:

PARAMOUNT EXECUTIVE
Well Mr. Spielberg, it seems here you’d like to make a “War of the Worlds” movie…

STEVEN
Yes sir, that’s correct.

EXECUTIVE
I don’t know, sounds expensive. And are you sure you’re experienced enough to handle it?

STEVEN
Um, I’ve done every movie on budget since 1981. And I have a few Oscars… my own studio…

EXECUTIVE
Yes, well I know you’ve made us BILLIONS with your, what was it, Indiana something series, but I think this “War” thing is too much of a risk. Yeah. In fact we’re probably going to greenlight “The Shadow 2” instead.

STEVEN
Well, what if it starred Tom Cruise?

EXECUTIVE
Tom Cruise? Are you fucking kidding me? “Mission Impossible 2″ only made about half a billion worldwide. And in Euros it’s even less. Sorry, I just can’t justify those numbers son.

STEVEN [nervous]
Ok, I’ve got an idea. Let’s start shooting, but shortly before release I’ll convince Tom to start a sham romance with someone half his age!

EXECUTIVE
Ah, now you’re making sense! The millions we spend on advertising will be shored up by the free Tom plugs in tabloid articles read by forty-something soccer moms who will then no doubt flock to see a killer alien invasion flick.

STEVEN
Exactly! So… I’ve got a green light then? Huh? Huh? PLEEEASSSEEE???

EXECUTIVE
Well… Ok.

STEVEN
YIPPEE!!!

And with that Steven got to make his killer alien movie. Near the wrapping of it though he was forced to confront his good buddy Tom Cruise…

STEVEN
Tom, I think we need to have a talk…

TOM
About what? You already told me where babies come from…

STEVEN
I’m afraid this is more serious Tom. [sigh] I’m sorry, but the studio wants you to start a sham romance with a young chick. It’s the only way people will go see our movie.

TOM
What? But… why? Why don’t people want to see it right now?

STEVEN
I’m just not a good enough a director. And our $200 million of effects and destruction simply won’t cut it these days. I mean, I thought I could make a good war movie like I did with “Saving Private Ryan” but… I guess I was wrong. You’re our only hope.

TOM
Fine. I guess I did just dump that Cruz woman anyway. Do you have anyone in mind?

STEVEN
Well… what about that Katie Holmes from Dawson’s Creek?

TOM
THAT COW? Are you kidding? It’d be a total “bag over the head” thing!

STEVEN
Do it for me, Tom. Please?

TOM
Ok. I guess if I was in “Legend” I can stoop to this…

STEVEN
Shh! You’re not supposed to mention that!

MEANWHILE, ON THE SET OF “BATMAN BEGINS”, ANOTHER TROUBLED, SURE-FIRE FLOP…

JENNY [BEST FRIEND OF KATIE HOLMES]
Katie! Like OH MY GOD! Tom Cruise is coming over to your trailer!

KATIE
Oh GOD not him again… He’s got a face like a horse!

JENNY
Well I think he’s cute!

KATIE
You would.

TOM enters the trailer, a bouquet of red roses in one hand.

TOM
Hiya Katie. You don’t know me - my name is Tom Cruise. I hope you like roses…

KATIE
Oh yeah, they’re great. In fact, I’ll put them right next to my “Cocktail” DVD - in the trash!

TOM
Katie, baby, gimme a chance huh?

JENNY [embarrassed]
I am like, SO out of here.

Jenny leaves. Tom checks to make sure she’s out of earshot, then swoops in for the kill.

TOM
I hear “Batman Begins” is having trouble…

KATIE
What do you mean?

TOM
I mean I hear nobody wants to see it. That it’s gonna sink Warner Brothers. That it’s so bad they’re thinking about putting the Bat-Nipples back on and spray-painting everything bright green.

KATIE
Who told you this?

TOM
That’s unimportant. But perhaps we can help each other out…

KATIE
I’m listening…

TOM
All we have to do is start a “love affair” and the tabloids and media will go nuts. That’ll translate DIRECTLY into box office dollars for our movies.

KATIE
I guess when you put it that way, yeah… Ok I’m in!

TOM
YIPPEE!!! Now give me some sugar, baby!

If those scenes sounded realistic, well it’s because that’s obviously what happened if you believe all the talk. I guess when “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds” both become big hits it’ll be thanks solely to Tom and Katie, and once all the dollars are in they’ll break it off (until they star in future “sure fire flops” like “Mission Impossible 3″).

All joking aside here’s a REAL sham romance publicity stunt that none of these E! exclusive types seem to notice: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Think about it: Aside from “Troy” Brad Pitt hasn’t had a success in nearly 10 years and Jolie got lucky with the god-awful “Tomb Raider” but has made exactly ZERO hit movies beyond that. (Or beyond borders) Put it all together this June and it’s sure bet that “Mr and Mrs. Smith” is going to flop harder than a 10 ton pancake dropped from a 747. Oh but I’m sure it looked good on paper:

EXECUTIVE
Boy am I glad that Spielberg punk is outta my office… Come in!

DOUG LIMAN
[director of Mr and Mrs Smith] Hey there! Have I got a deal for you!

EXECUTIVE
Hit me.

DOUG
Ok - True Lies, the movie where the husband was a spy but his wife didn’t know, made like $150 million U.S. right?

EXECUTIVE
Yeah…

DOUG
Ok so get this – if I make a movie where BOTH the husband and wife are spies and neither one knows then we’ll make DOUBLE that!

EXECUTIVE
You know… that makes sense. And wow that’s like, what, $200 million right? I can’t actually do math…

DOUG
Close enough - at any rate it’s MORE! So whadda think?

EXECUTIVE
I’ve already started righting the checks son. So who’s gonna star in this thing?

DOUG
Well the best way to shore up the success of a $100 million production is to use two stars with abysmal track records…

EXECUTIVE
Of course. So what like – Tom Cruise?

DOUG
Actually I was thinking Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. It’ll be a PERFECT date movie, complete with guns and explosions!

EXECUTIVE
God you’re brilliant. But wait a minute – won’t girls stay away because Jolie’s a buxom big-lipped-and-boobed bimbo, and guys will steer clear cause it’s got Brad “I was a heart throb during the first Clinton term” Pitt?

DOUG
I don’t see that happening. Studies say people really connect with actors much more attractive than they are.

EXECUTIVE
I’m convinced! Ok here’s a check for $100 million, plus, aw what the hell, another $100 million – why not, I’m sure this’ll beat “Titanic”. That boat movie didn’t have Brad Pitt, you know!

Well that’s my take on it I guess. But only time (and box office return) will truly tell…

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MY NEXT RANT!

I have no clue what it’ll be about yet, probably something videogame-related. Maybe Mario and Lara Croft will start a faux romance to help sell the Nintendo DS and I complain about that… I can only hope!

By Ben Heckendorn

In Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace Anakin’s mother Shmi says that the boy “has no father.” - leading the Jedi to believe he was conceived by Midi files or some such nonsense. Obviously this is complete horse crap which then begs the question: who IS responsible for the little twerp? After exhaustive research I have been able to compile a list of the most likely suspects along with the how, why and when for each alleged deed. So without further ado, let’s see if we can decide WHO IS ANAKIN’S FATHER?

R2D2

Occupation: Ass-kicking robot trash can

Parental Likelyhood: 15%

Your first reaction to this is probably that R2D2 is a robot and thus can’t father a biological son. But try to keep a few things in mind:

• It’s a movie with spaceships, the Force and lines like “I hate sand”
• Darth Vader (who, SPOILER ALERT, used to be Anakin) IS mostly machine
•  R2D2 has that access probe thing he’s always whipping out for whatever reason.

Now that I’ve answered the question of could it be done we must next tackle the how, why, when and where. Consider if you will… 

In her early years young Shmi Skywalker attended a public university on the planet Naboo. But her wild nights and hard-partying lifestyle made Paris Hilton look like Mary Poppins and it took a toll on Shmi’s studies. Failing in her classes she turned ever increasingly to alcohol, debauchery and deathsticks.

One night, staggering home after a bender, she came across an equally drunk R2D2. He beeped a wolf’s whistle her way and she couldn’t help but be aroused. See, she’d run into him a few times on campus (he was majoring in robo-ass-kicking 101) and figured “what the hell, he’s a good-looking guy” Jumping on top of his can, she caught a ride back to his place and they shared their passions well into the next morning.

Two months later Shmi was a girl in trouble and R2 - not wanting his future wages garnished - was nowhere to be found. The only thing he’d left behind was a note written with beeps she couldn’t understand. (R2 planned it that way) Her debts astronomical, the only remaining recourse was the Tatooine mail-order-bride racket, where a certain “Watto” was willing to pay off her tab in return for absolute slave-hood. Figuring she’d go back to school “someday” she accepted his offer, flew to Tatooine, popped out Anakin and pretended the whole college thing never happened.

Postscript: Upon seeing R2D2 come to her house in Episode I her blood ran cold, then she quickly dismissed it as “There must be a THOUSAND blue robots! Millions!”

Yoda

Occupation: Wise green Muppet/CGI mentor

Parental Likelyhood: 15%

Chicks dig older men (like Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, Jack Elam) so when it comes to 800 year-old Yoda it’s usually “your place or mine” at first glance. Sure, he may have a diminutive stature and walk slower than a worm but the Force is Strong with him. Take that as you may…

Now that you’re convinced Yoda’s a complete and utter chick magnet let’s get down to the business of how HE got down to business… with Shmi!

“Who Wants To Be a Jedi?” was the top TV show back in the day and young twenty-something Shmi didn’t miss a single episode. Every week she’d watch it and com-link in her vote for the best contestant. One day, as luck would have it, a recruiter for the show happened into Watto’s shop on Tatooine…

“Gut te nola!” croaked Watto, counting money and drinking a Hamm’s “We a got what cha need!”

The recruiter, trained to act as if he likes anyone (despite how disgusting or blue they may look) promptly blurted out “What I need, and I totally think you’re perfect for this, is…. Drumroll folks… The Next Republic Jedi!”

“Next a WHAT? Jedi ehh…? Bums! I don’t a ta like ‘em Not one bit! I am an Italian Mobster caricature you know, so don’t a cross me either!” Watto grumbled, reaching for his trusty tire iron.

“Excuse me” said a shy Shmi walking into the room “but can I have a chance?”

“Like oh – my – GAWD! You’d be perfect honey!” the recruiter exclaimed, practically falling over himself to give Shmi an entry form “Just fill this out and you’ll be on your way!”

A month later on the show things weren’t going so great for the eager Shmi…

“I do not see how you expect to swing your lightsaber into an opponent when you can barely swing it through the air” Mace Windu dished out in bitter judgement. “You have the grace of a cardboard bulldozer driving over a field of greased bowling balls”

“But-“ Shmi insisted.

“Agree do I” agreed Yoda “Skill have you not. But have you do is a smokin’ booty!”

“I wanna be a Jedi not a bimbo!” Shmi said, starting to cry.

“Unlikely to happen it is.” Yoda said, then gravely continued “As of now no Jedi in you do have.”

A lengthy pause…

“Would a little Jedi in you like to have?”

Shmi’s initial reaction was disgust – this wrinkled old green guy was actually hitting on her! Sadly it was her only hope if she truly wanted to become a Jedi. Begrudgedly she followed Yoda back to his swank apartment.

“Your daddy who is!” the green horn-bag said, popping a few Levitra (ask your doctor) Suddenly, Shmi didn’t think he looked so bad after all… No, he’s actually quite cute… So cute, why, he wouldn’t have to play a Jedi mind trick to get me in the sack. Nah! Never! Yeah he’s…. wait – it’s already the next morning and he’s gone! Where are my pants?

The scandal shook the Jedi council to its very foundations. Yoda’s sexual escapades were well known yet this latest shagging of a commoner - especially one from the Jedi’s own reality show - was a bombshell. Disgraced and hounded by paparazzi Shmi crawled back to Tatooine and didn’t tell Watto a thing.

Two months later Shmi’s a girl in trouble but all Watto cares about is the new free help he’ll have in the shop. “As long as I’M a not the father, I a don’t a care!” he cackled upon seeing her emerge from the bathroom with a purple-hued stick “Heh heh heh… Hope he can clean switches and say Yippee!”

Jabba the Hut

Occupation: Eats

Parental Likelyhood: 20%

Jabba the Hut is to Tatooine as Bill Gates is to computers: He rules it all - whether you like it or not. Granted it may seem unlikely that a character as gruesome and fat as Jabba could father a child (much less find his own equipment) but think about it – baby Jabbas have to come from SOMEWHERE, as it sure as hell ain’t a stork! Let’s explore the possibilities:

“Ju-tu moolia churm!” Jabba bellowed one morning upon waking up in a pool of his own vomit “Goosh neena plurb known-yah!”

Translations by Google: “God I’m hungover!” “What the hell happened last night?”

A jittery protocol droid ambled forth. “Oh mighty carriage-endowed Jabba! Last night you accidentally ate… oh dear… your dancing metal bikini slave girl!”

“Bantha-podo!” Jabba blurted, smacking the droid with a flabby hand “Jippo dun tanna mass torga DU tuppa doie-yah!”

Translations by Google: “Horse-crap!” “I fully intended to eat that saucy wench – AND her metal bikini!”

The droid picked himself off the floor “A trillion apologies oh cellulose one. Might I suggest you find a new slave girl to drag around?”

“Jaaaaaa…. Meen toya!” Jabba pondered “Goosh yuppa je joppa!”

Translations by Google: “Ahhhhh! Good idea!” “I shall hit the bars!”

The Cantina was one of the most happening bars on the planet - everybody went there on a Friday night to have a good time (and buy power convertors) Some nights they’d have live bands, other times they’d fire up the old karaoke machine, but young Shmi Skywalker didn’t much care either way - if there was a gaggle of horny moisture farm-boys around she’d be happy.

Mulling over her third blue milk-colored drink Shmi felt the presence of someone slide up behind her. Maybe it’s the hunk I made eyes with earlier, she wondered, unconsciously sniffing her armpits. Armpits OK she turned and saw:

JABBA DU HUT!

“Muh cha dunno de banka?” he blurbed out, a stream of phlegm tricking down his chin and onto Shmi’s miniskirt.

Jabba’s droid waddled up. “Excuse me. The mighty artery-clogged one asks if he may buy you a drink.”

“Ask him what kind of car he drives” Shmi snapped. The droid relayed the question to Jabba, who immediately laughed.

“Har har har ho! Chon dunno konk je nobba bonko – chon bonko muh hassa duh chon!”

“Jabba states that he doesn’t have to drive a car – his private chauffeur drives for him!”

Shmi, always a sucker for money, was impressed. “Rich, huh?”

“Gujeppa…. Chuin buine com passa duh gubba-jeeb.” Jabba whispered into her ear, careful to only get a little drool on her blouse “Chum passa du tuppa doie-yah yuppa je onna”

The droid looked somewhat flushed, then said “Jabba asks if you would accompany him back to his palace-“

“Palace?” Shmi jolted out.

“Yes, his palace,” the droid continued “He’s got a… metal bikini he’d like you to try on.”

“Lemme get my purse” Shmi cooed softly. She was sold – sure he was disgusting, but he was RICH and disgusting.

After a couple of weeks she grew tired of being drug around by a chain (the appeal wears off) but enjoyed the otherwise lavish lifestyle enough to stick around. Then one night after a nasty domestic dispute Jabba tried to eat her and it pretty much ended right there. Enraged by her not-wanting-to-be-digested insolence Jabba sold her to Watto for a pittance, dooming her to a life of slave-dom. Little did Shmi know that because of her time with Jabba she now carried inside her the seed of a man who would become… [SPOILER ALERT] Darth Vader!

Jar Jar Binks

Occupation: Screws things up, babbles, accepts “moui macho” responsibilities

Parental Likelyhood: 20%

“My afraid mine been banished!” Jar Jar cryptically told the Jedi in Episode I. Upon further questioning he revealed it was because of his clumsiness. A likely excuse to be sure! Here’s a more logical one…

Young and comely Shmi Skywalker always enjoyed her yearly summer trips with Watto to the resorts on Naboo. But as the years passed she found the excursions to be ever increasingly boring. Maybe she was just getting older, approaching womanhood, and outgrowing such a thing. Maybe it was Watto’s smell. Or maybe it was something else…

Summer came and she found herself once again at the Nubian resort. Watto was off having a Swedish massage (“Ahhh….. A that’s a what I like-a!”) so Shmi decided to take a walk through the woods. From over a ridge she thought her heard a sound… no, not a sound, but music. Yes, a jumpin’ rhythm… a salsa-like beat! Intrigued she wandered towards it…

The valley before her was filled with Gungans, all dancing and whooping it up. One young strapping Gungan in particular caught her eye. Though he couldn’t really dance worth a shit his seizure-like flailing had a certain machismo that aroused Shmi’s inner beast. In a trance-like state she ambled up and asked his name.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks!” hesa said, grabbing her into his dance “Yousa pitty hot!”

Smitten, Shmi fell helplessly into his allure. Number after number, dance after dance, drink after drink she felt more and more one with the Gungan until later that night, back in his bachelor pad, she really DID become one with him! Screams of “Yousa! Mesa!” were heard throughout the land.

The summer continued on. Watto spent all his time at the massage palor/whorehouse and barely cared where Shmi went wandering off every day. Little did he know that a certain Nubian native was railing on his slave with a reckless abandon he could only dream of.

August came and it was time to go home. Watto eyed up Shmi as she packed her bags.

“Shmi? Are you a gettin’ FAT?” He quizzed, noting a difference in her girth.

Shmi felt her stomach “Um… well… no… but…”

“Wait! You’ve a been knocked a up!” her blue master growled.

“No! It can’t be! I mean… oh no!” she cried, flailing herself onto the bed.

“No problem!” Watto consoled “It means a free slave for a me! Heh heh heh… So! Just a be tellin’ me whose the father…”

“It was…” she stammered, “it was…” Her mind raced. She couldn’t betray her beloved Jar-Jar. It might mean his death – or worse! Desperate, she thought of anyone else on Naboo she could blame it on…

“Panaka! It was Panaka!” she cried out “A royal guard in the Nubian court!”

Little did Shmi know that Panaka - who she’d run across in the past but thought nothing of - was, despite being a horrible actor, quite wealthy and could afford the best lawyers Republic credits could buy. The patronage trial began with a cross-delegation of Gungans and Humans, judged by Boss Nass, leader of the Gungans himself.

“ Mesa havin’ been weighed all the evidence. And mesa also know who the REAL father is” Boss Nass said. He then turned to the nervous Panaka, who gulped along with his lawyer.

“Meesa knowa you notta the one done got Shmi in trouble!” mumbled Boss Nass “When meesa wrong meesa SAY I’m wrong. BRRRRRRWRAAAHHHH!” He then turned solemnly to Jar Jar, who gulped upon his gaze. Nass knew Jar-Jar to be a screw-up, and a horny one at that.

“Binksssssssssss! Yousa havin’ affair with this herein bonko?”

Jar Jar turned white as a sheet “Uh…. Uh huh!”

“BRRRRRRWRAAAHHHH! Yousa to being pewnunished! Meesa banisha yousa outaa bonko theesa kingdomesa!”

Translations by Google: “???”

“NOOOOOSA!” Jar Jar cried “Giva meesa another chance-a!”

“Be gone with heem!” Boss Nass exclaimed, waving a flabby hand. Jar Jar was then escorted out of the kingdom to become an exile, a Gungan without a home, a country, or a hope. He sustained himself by tripping over things in the forest and then eating them. His life of hermit-like solitude made him become celibate and regret his earlier gigolo-esque days…

Later in Episode I Jar-Jar was adamantly against wandering around Mos Espa - not because he might get “robba-ed and crunched!’ but for fear of running into Shmi and being forced to cough up child support. When he did run across her in Anakin’s home he remained silent as did she, a kind of silent pact of acceptance. Though when he started grabbing apples Shmi couldn’t help but think back to all the wonderful memories of that tongue… Alas, she decided not to tell Jar-Jar that he was really the father of her son, who would one day become [SPOILER ALERT!] Darth Vader!

Count Dooku

Occupation: Starts trouble, aligns himself with Dark Lords, commands thousands of Orcs/robots with a wave of his hand.

Parental Likelyhood: 30%

“I have a problem, Darth Sidious my Master” Count Dooku confessed one night in the Sith bordello he and other evil Jedi often visited.

“What is it, my young apprentice?” croaked Sidious, who was really [SPOILER ALERT] Senator Palpatine but with a hood over his eyes so no one (but the audience) could tell.

“It is in the sack. Using my Jedi Mind tricks (and charisma) I have no trouble getting the ladies home, but once there… Ug. It just falls apart.”

“I understand my evil Padawan learner. The Dark Side has many advantages, but also many side effects - including nausea, headache and impotence. You should have asked your doctor first.” Sidious snarled in an ambiguous manner.

“Guide me, oh master.”

“There is a young slave by the name of Shmi Skywalker who works in this very bordello. She would make an excellent host for a new evil Jedi.”

“Why don’t you sire the child yourself, oh not-so-mysterious one?”

“I have often tried. However, when I lower my hood I also become quite ugly, so even with my mind control she always just throws a drink in my face.” Sidious admitted, a look of despair over the visible part of his face. “I therefore pass the task onto you.”

“But… what about my problem?” Dooku stammered hopelessly.

“Get her into the bedroom my young apprentice; I will help you from there.” Sidious said, an evil grin smearing over his face.

Later that night Dooku led the young slave Shmi under a red light, through a doorway and into a smelly room consisting of a bed, B&W TV and an old 70’s style VCR. One thing led to another and then it was time to go for it.

Dooku however wasn’t up for the task. Literally. Shmi grew impatient and checked her watch - Dooku’s 30 minutes were almost up and she was booked solid for the rest of the night. Suddenly a voice boomed through the darkness… It was Darth Sidious!

“Lord Dooku?” he asked.

Dooku was a bit taken aback, and then realized who it was. “Yes master?”

“RIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!!!”

The rest of Dooku and Shmi’s time went as planned and Sidious watched on, cackling evilly. A few months later Shmi was a girl in trouble and the bordello sold her to a certain blue junkyard owner on Tatooine. Later on she bore a young, innocent son named Anakin, who would one day become [SPOILER ALERT] Darth Vader!

EPILOGUE

So there you have it. All the possible fathers for Anakin to kill. Granted some are more likely than others but come next month, upon the release of Episode III, we’ll see which one of these really turns out to be… ANAKIN’S FATHER!

By Dale Nauertz

I do this every year, but most years there are one or two movies that I am actually, truly excited about. Last year there were “Kill Bill” and the final “Lord of the Rings” movie. The year before there was “Gangs of New York” and the second “Lord of the Rings” movie. This year, well, it’s hard work trying to figure out which movie coming out this fall/winter is the one I want to see most, because none of them have me really chomping at the bit. There are a few movies that I want to see, and some that am fairly interested in, but none of them that I’m taking time off work for (a’la “Lord of the Rings”) or highly excited about (like “Kill Bill” and “Gangs of New York”). Sure, Scorsese has another film coming out, but the Scorsese mania that was in full bloom in 2001 (when “Gangs” was originally supposed to come out) has dissipated. Maybe I need to watch “Goodfellas” again. Otherwise “The Aviator” would be higher on my list (that might also have something to do with not having seen a trailer for it and knowing that Kate “Movie Poison” Beckinsale is part of the cast). And there are no movies featuring hobbits and only movie featuring elves this year (“Polar Express”, in which I have just heard that Steven Tyler is following in his daughter’s pointy shoes by doing the voice of one of Santa’s elves) so I’ve got nothing to anticipate on that front. Who knows? This might be the year that I am forced to actually go out and get a life. But I doubt it.

So, without further ado, here we go.

1. “The Life Aquatic”

I love Wes Anderson. He’s one of those rare directors that do something fresh and exhilarating every time. He’s also a filmmaker whose movies are so distinctive that you know, as the credits are still showing, that you are watching one of his movies, and that no one else would have had the desire to make it. Since there are so few truly unique talents out there, that is the reason I have such a desire to see this movie. Not only that, but it’s the story of a Jacques Cousteau-like oceanographic explorer (played by Bill Murray with facial hair) searching for a rare shark that killed one of his buddies. The cast also includes Willem Dafoe, Cate Blanchett and, because no Wes Anderson movie would be complete without involving him somewhere, Owen Wilson. The idea of Bill Murray and Owen Wilson hunting a shark is a highly entertaining concept, especially when you factor in Anderson’s own quirky brand of charm. Will Murray finally win the Oscar he was denied last year? Will Wes Anderson finally get some Academy recognition? Frankly, I don’t care. I just want to see Bill Murray play Quint by way of Cousteau. That alone will assure that I buy a ticket.

2. “Team America: World Police”

I don’t personally think that “South Park” is all that ingenious of a show. Sure, there are some episodes that are filled with wit and actually make me cackle with glee (including the recent “Passion of the Jew” episodes with Cartman leading some kind of Christianity brigade while dressed like Hitler) but overall I find the show to be rather hit and miss. But the mere notion of a movie making fun of the pursuit of terrorists and the current political climate by the makers of “South Park” and featuring a cast made entirely of marionettes (!) is just too wonderful to pass up. This could, conceivably, be the most gleefully offensive movie since “Bad Santa”, and it’s also made with puppets. Oh, I am so there.

3. “I Heart Huckabees”

I’m not even sure what this movie is about. I know that it’s a comedy by David O. Russell whose “Three Kings” was a great movie and whose “Flirting With Disaster”, while mildly overrated, still had a scene where Alan Alda is making LSD in his basement. This promises to be a distinctive, weird comedy featuring Jude Law possibly going insane and possibly break dancing in the woods. The cast also includes Jason Schwartzman (who can hopefully make another movie where he’s as good as he was in “Rushmore”), Mark Wahlberg (who I can usually do without, but the last time he was really good was in “Three Kings”, so maybe Russell knows how to make the guy earn his check), Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman (the last two playing “existential detectives” or something). I don’t expect this movie to do very well at the box office, but I just want to see a comedy that isn’t afraid to have some fun and embrace some strange ideas and mine them for all they are worth. I don’t know why this movie appeals so strongly to me, I just get a good vibe from it.

4. “The Aviator”

Even though I’m not rabid to see this, it does have one of my favorite actors (Leonardo DiCaprio) in it and is directed by one of my favorite directors (Martin Scorsese). It’s the life story of Howard Hughes, which is just an interesting concept all by itself, and it has some great supporting actors in it: Cate Blanchett, Jude Law, Gwen Stefani (oh lovely, lovely Gwen, she’s never acted but I really like looking at her) and, well, let’s hope she’s better than in “Van Helsing”, Kate Beckinsale. It probably won’t be Scorsese’s best work but hell, even the worst Scorsese film is worth watching a couple of times (no, wait a sec, that would be “New York, New York” which I haven’t managed to stomach all the way through, so maybe I’m wrong on that). It probably won’t be perfect, but it’s got a better pedigree than most of the movies coming down the pike in the next few months.

5. “Ocean’s Twelve”

It’s the sequel to “Ocean’s Eleven”, for those of you who are slow on the uptake. The original cast is all back, with the addition of Catherine Zeta Jones as the ex of Brad Pitt. Apparently, Pitt and Jones have all the chemistry of a dying panda and a ravenous hyena, but if the movie is half as entertaining as the first one it will be a good time. That’s all I really want out of it. I just want to see Clooney acting suave, Pitt being cool, and everyone else doing the same thing they did the first time. I don’t want anybody to reinvent the wheel here; I just want to have fun.

6. “Alexander”

In the wake of “Braveheart” and “Gladiator” it seems that we’ve had roughly three thousand and two hundred epics in which hordes of people yell and run at each other with swords. And I’m frankly tired of it. Granted, “Troy” was far better than I expected, but it’s still a genre that has been drained of most of its life. But if any man can bring it back from the dead, that man is Oliver Stone, who never met a movie genre he played straight. Without knowing it, I’ve become something of an Oliver Stone fan. He’s made some spectacular movies and, like Kubrick, he’s a guy whose movies need more than one viewing to truly sink in. Plus, I think Colin Farrell is a hell of an actor, I still like seeing Angelina Jolie for some reason, and I think Anthony Hopkins is running around in this somewhere. I’ll check it out.

7. “Spanglish”

James L. Brooks is a great director of movies that make you laugh and make you think as well. I love “Broadcast News” more than any of his other flicks, but “As Good as It Gets” and “Terms of Endearment” aren’t bad at all. Not only that, but I have grown into something of an Adam Sandler fan over the past few years and Brooks actually thinks enough of the man to cast him in this story. What is the story? I don’t know. From what I’ve read it involves Sandler playing a chef whose life starts to go haywire or something. Who knows? But it’s got a great director and an actor who is likeable at worst and great at best (check out “Punch-drunk Love” if you somehow doubt me) and it features Tea Leoni, who has been ripe for stardom for quite some time, she just needs the right movie to push her to the forefront. If everything works, this could be that movie. It sounds fun, anyway.

8. “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”

Okay, let me break this down for you. Giant robots are attacking the world, the time is the 1930’s, and a heroic, crack flying ace known as Sky Captain has to save the world with his feats of derring do. If it’s half as much fun as it sounds, if it pays half the respect to old serials as it needs to, this could be a great movie. If it looks like it was shot against a green screen (and it WAS shot against a green screen) and the plot is overly busy or not busy enough or doesn’t find the right balance of innocence and zesty action theatrics, then it could be another “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”. It’s got Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow, (who only seems to have disappeared, she’s actually done two movies in the past couple years) Angelina Jolie, (with a fucking eye patch! Kurt Russell would be proud) and Giovanni Ribisi (a damn fine actor) in it. I’m hoping for the best, but I fear the worst. If it’s all style and no meat, then no one will hate this movie more than me. If it’s done just right, I will probably be this movie’s biggest fan. It looks like a sequel to “The Rocketeer” and I, for one, find that exciting. If Ain’t It Cool News hadn’t promoted this thing so nauseatingly, it would probably be higher on my list.

9. “Shaun of the Dead”

A British comedy about zombies! Yes, that’s right. Zombies. If Nick Hornby wrote a Sam Raimi zombie flick, well, judging from the great trailer, it would look a lot like this. The word of mouth on this film from overseas is great, so it should be right up my alley. No one loves zombie comedies more than me. Well, okay, someone probably does. But I like em a lot.

10. “Finding Neverland”

Johnny Depp stars in this. That’s enough to get my ass in a seat. But wait, there’s more. He plays J. M. Barrie, the guy who wrote Peter Pan. Apparently, the film is about the circumstances that led him to write Peter Pan and it’s got Kate Winslet in it. So, what the hell, I’ll go. Depp is an abstract artist of the acting variety. He’s never done a performance that bored me.

There, those are the ten I most want to see. But here are a few that I’m intrigued by, all the same.

“Closer”

It’s got Julia Roberts in it. Not so good. But it’s got Clive Owen in it. A little better. The trailer shows Natalie Portman doing a striptease. Hmmm, better still…

“Blade: Trinity”

Did the world really need another “Blade” movie? Going out on a limb here…No. But some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.

“National Treasure”

Nicolas Cage finds a treasure map on the back of the Constitution. No. Seriously. Bruckheimer produced it. So it’s probably going to suck. But that concept is just great. I must see it, even if it sucks.

“A Sound of Thunder”

Edward Burns and Ben Kingsley in a movie where some guys travel back in time to hunt dinosaurs. Sounds cool to me.

“Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason”

Renee Zellweger as darling Bridget again. Colin Firth and Hugh Grant are back. All this has to do is be as good as the first one and I’ll be happy. I love British comedies, more than I have any right to.

“The Forgotten”

Julianne Moore wakes up one morning and her entire life has changed, but she’s the only one that seems to notice. It’s got a great, creepy trailer. Might be worth a look.

“Surviving Christmas”

A dark comedy about Christmas and gangsters that features James Gandolfini. But before you get your hopes up too high, it’s got Affleck in it. Still, last time he did this sort of thing we got “Reindeer Games”. So there’s still some hope.

“Sideways”

Alexander Payne is back in action after “Election” and “About Schmidt” in the story of an alcoholic writer and his friend going to a vineyard or something. If Payne made it, I’ll see it.

“Meet the Fockers”

The unnecessary sequel to “Meet the Parents”. It features Dustin Hoffman watching DeNiro shower and DeNiro getting a back rub from Barbra Streisand. So it might be worth a look.

And then there is the one movie that I won’t see, and if I do, I will have to be dragged to the theater, kicking and screaming and probably in restraints “A Shark’s Tale”. Have you seen a trailer for this thing? It looks positively awful. Maybe the reason “The Aviator” isn’t higher on my anticipation list is because Scorsese plays a mobster shark that, in the trailer, licks a fin and puts it to his ass and makes a hissing sound. Ugh. Will Smith, who I loved in the under appreciated “I, Robot” (it’s seriously the best action flick of the summer) returns to Shitville as a tiny fish who pretends to kill a shark and then dances on a table while singing MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This”. I’m not huge on the trailers for Pixar’s “The Incredibles” either, but it’s GOT to be better than this.

And, despite the presence of Tom Hanks in multiple roles and the directing talents of Robert Zemeckis (one of my favorite directors ever) “The Polar Express” just don’t look all that hot. Maybe if I was five I’d be primed to see it. But I’m not five. I haven’t been five in a loooong time. So I think I’ll pass, thank you, despite the fact that Steven Tyler (lead singer of Aerosmith) is playing one of Santa’s elves. Having Tom Hanks and the lead singer of Aerosmith in the same movie is one of the signs of the Apocalypse, isn’t it?

So there you have it. As far as I’m concerned, this is everything that looks worthy of a shit in the upcoming months. Maybe there will be a few pleasant surprises smuggled in there somewhere. I’m hoping so. And I do want to see most of these. But none of them look worthy of smuggling in pudding over.

By Dale Nauertz

Well, friends and neighbors, it’s that time o’ the year again. It’s, um, fall? Yup, Fall. That’s what it is. And there’s a whole slate of flicks coming out in the last couple months here that are jockeying for your entertainment dollar. And some of these films don’t even look to suck. So, as I have done for the past couple of years, I’d like to shine the harsh light of day onto these flicks and let you know which movies I am most anxiously awaiting and, in short, look like they might actually be worth a damn. But, this year, there aren’t as many films that have me champing at the bit. There aren’t quite as many films this fall/winter that have me jumping up and down and clapping my hands like a little girl in anticipation. But oh well. There’s still a few of them lurking out there.

I think.

1. “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”

“Fellowship of the Ring” was awesome! Seriously, just plain amazing. I loved every second of it and still watch it repeatedly. It’s probably already one of my favorite films of all time and, in retrospect, is the greatest movie of 2001. (”Moulin Rouge” is good and all but…) “The Two Towers” is a solid, even excellent film, but not quite as good as “Fellowship” and they changed a couple characters from the book and stuff like that which might not seem like much, but still occasionally pisses me off. Still, it’s a great movie and one of last year’s best. So, at the very least, “Return of the King” should shape up to be a great movie and provide some very breathtaking spectacle. At the best, it could leave “Fellowship” in the dust and make me ruin a perfectly good pair of pants come December 17th. So, you know, hooray!

2. “Kill Bill: Volume One”

Quentin Tarantino, I think I speak for an entire nation of film geeks when I say: “Where the hell have you been?” I loved “Pulp Fiction” and “Jackie Brown” (oh, right, and “Reservoir Dogs” which I’m not so huge on, but it’s still damn good) so I’ve been wanting more films from the Q Man. The only down side is that this is a balls to the wall kung fu flick, the plot of which sounds like “Charlie’s Angels” if Charlie screwed over one of the Angels and earned her hellish wrath. I claim that as a down side because I’d sorta like to see another movie with criminals and smart, witty dialogue and an occasional bloodbath. But it’ll be nice to see Quentin bring his witty touch to the whole kung fu genre and, hopefully, he will be able to inject it with the sense of flair and coolness that it’s sort of been losing lately thanks to the fact that there seems to be kung fu in every third film being made nowadays and they just keep getting more outlandish. (Thanks, “Matrix”!) But it’s been six years, so it’ll be nice to see the words “A Quentin Tarantino Film” splashed all over the big screen.

3. “Love Actually”

I like British people. Particularly, I like British comedians. They’re usually sharper and more sophisticated than American comedians and there’s just this indefinable something about them. I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s the fact that thirty years of Bond films have conditioned me to see them as dapper and debonair and seeing them as anything less is just somehow hilarious. This movie is just stocked with such people: Hugh Grant, Rowan Atkinson, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Colin Firth, Liam Neeson, the gorgeous Keira Knightley and even a couple of Americans- Laura Linney and Denise Richards. Plus, the whole concoction is a romantic comedy brewed up by a master of the form: Richard Curtis who, since writing the “Black Adder” and “Mr. Bean” television series has gone on to pen the scripts for “Four Weddings and a Funeral” and “Notting Hill” as well as co-writing “Bridget Jones’s Diary”. And this one is a sprawling romantic comedy of epic proportions about sixteen separate people all falling in love or something like that. The trailer was funny and the movie looks highly intriguing, which is more than I can say about most of the movies set to release in the coming months…

4. “Intolerable Cruelty”

The Coen Brothers are back, and they have once again made an alliance with George Clooney. The trailer looks fun, despite the fact that Catherine Zeta Jones is in this…which can go either way. Billy Bob Thornton seems to be providing laughs simply by showing up, which is admirable, and the whole thing looks like a breezy good time. The reason it’s not higher on this list is because the screenplay appears to be written by two other guys and the Coens seem content merely to direct. This causes me concern, but if the Coens have devoted themselves to filming someone else’s work, then that work must be worth something. Looks amusing.

5. “Mystic River”

There is one main reason to see this movie: CLINT! CLINT! The hand of God is on the tiller of this film. He’s not in it, but he’s controlling every aspect of it, and that makes it worth at least a look. The buzz is pretty good on this one as well, and it’s got a great cast that includes Kevin Bacon, Sean Penn and Laurence Fishburne, who looks relieved not to be in another damn “Matrix” movie for once. But, if you’re wavering about seeing it, I have something else to say: CLINT! CLINT! CLINT!

6. “Runaway Jury”

I usually have no interest in seeing courtroom movies, or movies based on John Grisham books, but the trailer for this movie is a breathless marvel and if the movie is the same way, well, then it should be an intense experience. Cusack is in it, and so is “Mummy” beauty Rachel Weisz, as well as veteran folk like Gene Hackman and Dustin Hoffman. The cast is cool, the concept (scrambling to decide which side of a trial controls the jury of a billion-dollar trial) is cool and the whole thing just oozes a breathless, top-notch thriller sort of attitude. So count me in.

7. “Big Fish”

I like Tim Burton and have never disliked anything he’s done. He directs this and it stars Ewan McGregor, who is, in my belief, one of the finest young actors in Hollywood today. Plus, Danny Devito is running around, and that’s usually a good thing. Add all that up, and you’ve got my ass firmly planted in a seat. The whole plot of a man investigating the tall tales of his dying father, also sounds promising.

8. “The Singing Detective”

Robert Downey Jr. and Mel Gibson are among the players of this strange musical based on a British miniseries about a delusional detective. Songs, dance, delusions, a recovering drug addict (Downey) and Mel. Even if it doesn’t work at all, it should be fun to watch.

9. “The Matrix Revolutions”

I guess I have some desire to see this movie. I should have more, though, and that’s what bothers me. The original “Matrix” is, in my opinion, one of the best science fiction films of all time. The second is alright, I guess, and fun to watch, but not a whole lot more than that. I hope that “Matrix Revolutions” is more like the original, but since I am a realist, I believe it will be more like the latter. And if it isn’t at least a hell of a lot better than “Reloaded” and explains what the fuck was going ON in “Reloaded”, then I am officially disappointed. I’m sure I will be going on opening day anyway, but I will be sitting in the theater with my arms folded over my chest, waiting for the film to have made the trip worth my while.

10. “Timeline”

Unfortunately, Paul Walker is in this. But the trailer I have seen makes it look like a good time. It’s based on a Micheal Crichton novel, and those are usually entertaining. Plus the plot involves both time travel and medieval times, which are two things that I enjoy. So I’m going to go and hopefully have a lot of fun. That’s really all I expect.

Other than that, there really isn’t much I care to see. I’d like to see Tom kick some ass in “The Last Samurai” and I am looking forward to seeing Jack Nicholson play himself once again in “Something’s Gotta Give” and I can’t really say no to a movie entitled “Bad Santa” but these ten are the ones that I am most hankering for and, frankly, I could probably do without seeing a couple of them. So there you have it. It doesn’t look like that great of a year, and it hasn’t been so far. Unless “Return of the King” completely floors me, “Pirates of the Caribbean” will probably emerge as my favorite film of 2003. And that would be just a little weird.

By Dale Nauertz

“The Horror, the horror….”
-Colonel Kurtz (Marlon Brando) in “Apocalypse Now”

Christmas is a time for good cheer. Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for what you have been given and think about how fortunate you are. New Years is a time to reflect on the passing year and think about how to improve the one ahead.

But Halloween. That’s a whole different beast altogether. No such thoughtful holiday is Halloween. It’s a time to dress in costumes, eat candy, and watch a movie that will scare the bejesus out of you. Needless to say, it’s my favorite holiday. Much more fun than most other holidays. Much less commercialized (well, the whole holiday was started by commercialism anyway) and the commercialization that has set in is just about having fun. No treacly pap about brotherly love here covering an attempt to sell you everything from diapers to beer. There’s something I can get behind.

And since horror movies are what this holiday is all about, let me give you some handy hints about the good ones. Many of the films that try to pass themselves off as “scary” are just gory, or stupid, or lame. Some of them mistake blood for fear, which it isn’t, if you ask me. Fear is something more sneaky. Fear is about the half-glimpsed thing hiding in the woods. Fear is about what you can’t see more than what you can. I prefer something that achieves eerieness, something that makes my flesh crawl. Something that might even rob me of some sleep.

Which brings us to Number One on my top-five, all-time scary movie list:

1. “The Exorcist”

The only movie that has made me frightened before I even saw it. Just the idea is creepy. The devil taking control of your body. Well, the idea is pretty creepy as it is executed in THIS movie. Not in movies like “Lost Souls”. The turning of the head. The message that rises out of the little girl’s stomach. The overall tone of the movie. Those harrowing last twenty minutes. The phrases that come out of the poor girl’s mouth. I have never seen any horror movie that had such an impact on me. Easily still as horrifying and shocking today as it was twenty-seven years ago. Some have said that since this movie was made, it no longer retains its ability to shock. Some say that audiences have been too jaded since then. I say that’s all bullshit. This is still the creepiest thing ever to come down the pike.

2. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”

The original, mind you. Not the sequels, not the crappy remake (which is, however, almost worth seeing just to see a young Matthew McConaughey as a sicko tow-truck driver, at least it does have one genuinely unsettling moment…and Rene Zellweger is in it too) I am talking about the first “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. This movie is truly shocking and unsettling. Like all master horror films, it does nothing to prepare you for the first scare. Suddenly, out of nowhere….well, I’ll let you see it for yourself. Despite its title, this movie is a triumph of eerie atmosphere and true horror, not of sheer gore for gore’s sake. Leatherface is a genuinely terrifying foe, unlike most of his horror movie ilk (he would literally have Freddy Krueger and Jason for dinner) and a force to be reckoned with. It also is sorta like the original “Blair Witch Project”. It’s so low-budget that it actually looks like it is really happening, or like something that actually did happen. Therefore, all the dark humor in the world (incredibly dark humor) cannot dilute the fear that is reaching out of the screen and seizing you by the throat. Not only that, but it’s a one-movie argument against picking up hitchhikers.

3. “Night of the Living Dead”

Unsettling and disturbing are also two great words to describe this, the mother of all zombie movies. Black and white and bringing new definition to the word “stark”, this movie works mainly because of its unpredictability and the claustrophobic aura it creates. Racism and other tensions run high between a group of people as they fight against an army of flesh-eating zombies baying at their door. You don’t know who will live and who will die. The movie also wins bonus points for its unique casting of a black man as the hero. Very creepy stuff, with a dark human commentary at its center.

4. “Evil Dead”

The other “Evil Dead” movies are just plain fun, but this one is harrowing to its icy core. The humor that made the others palattable is not in evidence here, or rather it is of a much darker strain than that of the other films. It is also the one time that gore actually works for a film. The movie succeeds mainly due to its goosebump-causing tone and its unique and ground-breaking bag of cinematic tricks. Not to mention the solid work of an impossibly fresh-faced Bruce Campbell. Sam Raimi’s Hollywood calling card.

5. “Poltergeist”

Tobe Hooper has two movies on this list. What a man. No one does horror any better than him. “Salem’s Lot” is pretty darn good too, although not quite good enough to eek its way onto this list. Anyway, this story of a young girl and mysterious forces in the most haunted house I have ever seen has more scares on it than you can ask of a movie (with the exception of “The Exorcist”). Good performances, creepy moments coming one after another, and many other virtues. A wild, twisted, and eerie ride.

5 1/2. “Scream”

The rest of the movie is nothing but an exercise in hip self-awareness, although a much more fun and involving exercise in hip self-awareness than its two successors and the endless list of clones that it inspired, but the first scene is truly terrifying. Poor, beautiful Drew Barrymore: alone in the house and called by a man who starts out rather sexy and interesting and then turns a lot more scary. The shocking part? SPOILER ALERT: Drew is the biggest star in the movie, and she ends up gutted by the time the opening credits roll. Yikes. That is creepy.

If you don’t want something terrifying on Halloween, however, well, there are some alternatives that are just plain fun.

“Sleepy Hollow”

Beautiful cinematography, decapitations, a dense and wonderful visual style and a hilarious and droll performance by Johnny Depp.

“Evil Dead 2″

For sheer fun and inventive gore, accept no substitutes. Bruce Campbell’s physical comedy here deserves favorable comparison to Buster Keaton and the effects are remarkable. Pure bloodthirsty fun from beginning to end.

“Ghostbusters”

Ghosts, Bill Murray, best comedy in the history of time. Nuff said.

“An American Werewolf in London”

A remarkable eerie tone, the best werewolf transformation in history (all on camera and all stunningly realistic) and some very funny moments of dark comedy. Also includes the funniest rotting corpse in cinematic history.

“Dead Alive”

Dark, violent, often hilarious, very sickening. A good time all around.

That should be enough to make your Halloween a good time. Just pick up some candy and popcorn, put on a costume, and let the fun (and maybe lack of sleep) begin. Enjoy.

By Dale Nauertz

Yes, friends and neighbors, it is once more that time of year. Summer has blown its wad like an impatient prom date and now we are left with Fall and Winter. A great many of the studios’ true show ponies and Oscar contenders will be trotted out for our amusement in the coming months. I have analyzed the Fall Preview Issues of both Premiere AND Entertainment Weekly and, as I have the past couple of years, I have made a list of the films that look the least likely to suck. These are the films I will be viewing for sure in the next few months. And I thought you might like a heads up on them as well. So here they are, in order of enthusiasm.

1. “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”

I wasn’t that jacked up to see the first installment of this series, “Fellowship of the Ring”. But then I saw the movie and it began a love affair with a film such as I have not been treated to in quite some time. The film enthralled me. It riveted me. It got me addicted. I saw it more times in the theater than any other film. Does that mean it’s my favorite film ever? No. Does it mean that it would be one of my ten favorite films of all time? Probably not. But the film did hook me. So the prospect of another one, right on the heels of that one, made at the same time and before any of the greatness of the first one and creative gusto of the first film could dissipate on the part of the filmmakers involved has me drooling, quite frankly. I can guarantee you that this man will be there opening day to see “The Two Towers”. I want to see the continuation of this magnificent quest. I want to see the battle of Helm’s Deep. I want to see the Ents. I want to see more of Gollum. And, of course, I want to see SARUMAN! I cannot friggin’ wait. That’s all there is to it. Needless to say, I am taking the day off of work, and seeing the film at least once opening day.

2. “The Gangs of New York”

You may remember that this film was on my list last year (it was number one, in fact, with a bullet or two). Well, it never came out, it’s supposed to come out this year, and I am still burning to see it. My Scorsese mania has passed (or has gone into hibernation, at least) but the concept of a new film by this master of cinema, one involving elements of both the western and gangster genres and with Daniel Day Lewis running around like a badass in a tophat and the sort of moustache that went out of style in the 1910’s has me galvanized with excitement. Also, we get to see Leonardo DiCaprio work again, which is an exciting concept to those of us who like him (and screw the rest of you idiots). Oh, and the trailer kicks some major ass. This movie looks like a hell of a time.

3. “Catch Me if You Can”

Speaking of DiCaprio, he’s also in this film, playing the most successful con man in U.S. history. This film is based on the true story of a man who defrauded banks, airlines and universities and got a ton of money in the process. The man then went on to become a respected member of the U.S. security community. If that isn’t enough to entice you, the movie is directed by Steven Spielberg (who masterfully guided many awesome films, but proved he’s still got it with this year’s “Minority Report”) and stars, aside from Leo, Tom Hanks, Martin Sheen, Jennifer Garner and Christopher Walken. It can’t help but be good.

4. “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”

According to this film, and the man’s own autobiography, Chuck Barris was not only the host of the infamous Gong Show, but he was also a top secret agent of the U.S. government and an assassin. George Clooney is directing this oddball would-be gem and Sam Rockwell, one of the finest of modern character actors, gets his chance to carry the movie as the afore-mentioned Barris. Drew Barrymore and the irritatingly ubiquitous Julia Roberts are also in evidence. And the whole madcap romp is written by Charlie Kauffman, one of the absurd geniuses who pulled the strings on “Being John Malkovich”. I just have a really good, weird feeling about this one.

5. “Adaptation”

Contrary to popular opinion, I do not hate Nicolas Cage. When he’s good, he’s DAMN good. When he’s not, however, he’s (as my friend Ben describes him) A sleeping pill. He really sucks, and he has shown a real shitty aptitude for picking material lately (not to mention wives…. Lisa Marie PRESLEY? The Hell?). I didn’t have to see “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin” or “Family Man” to smell the odor of crap hanging about them. He hasn’t had a worthwhile film behind him since “Bringing Out the Dead”. And that was three years ago (well, it seems longer). But “Adaptation” is the sort of bizarre thing that Nic can bat right out of the park. It’s by the writer and director of “Being John Malkovich” and it requires him to (A) be fat (B) be twins (C) obsess over Meryl Streep and (D) do all sorts of weird things. This might be the sort of thing that can redeem Nic’s sorry ass and make me respect him again. Well, here’s hoping, anyway.

6. “Die Another Day”

Bond, James Bond. Pierce Brosnan is back. He beds a couple women, blows up a few things, drinks a few martinis, and saves the world again. And all is right with the world. Sure, “The World is Not Enough” was not my favorite Bond movie (it was my least favorite of all Brosnan’s films, though it did have a lot of good moments). But it was still damn entertaining. And aside from “The Man With the Golden Gun”, no Bond movie has been outright bad. They’re always a lot of fun. Where else can you get such a guarantee? Sure, I thought “XXX” had its charms. But it will be nice to kick back with the one secret agent you can most rely on. Nobody does it better, you know.

7. “Punch Drunk Love”

Adam Sandler and P.T. Anderson. There is no way in hell that these two names should be in the same sentence. And yet, P.T. Anderson, the man behind “Magnolia” and “Boogie Nights” has decided to make a film starring Adam Sandler, the desperate man-child imp and darling of stupid movie aficionados everywhere. Is Anderson finally making a misstep? Or does he see something that the rest of us don’t? This will either be a revelation or a trainwreck. Either way, I can’t wait to see it.

8. “Femme Fatale”

DE PALMA! I rest my case.

9. “Rules of Attraction”

A weird, dark little movie about teenagers and their various problems by the co-writer of “Pulp Fiction” (Roger Avery). I have a good feeling about this movie. It looks nice and twisted. Could be a good, bitter time.

10.”Solaris”

Clooney and Soderbergh together once more. This time in space. With James Cameron producing. It sounds like a meditation on life and death set in the cosmos: the sort of thing that movies like “2001: A Space Odyssey” have done before, but few others have attempted. This could really be something. And, whatever it is, I’m sure it won’t suck.

Well, there you have it: the ten films that I most have a hankering to check out. I don’t think any of them will really disappoint me (but I have been wrong before) and I’m not ruling out any dark horses that might sneak into the race. All in all, this year has been a good one and it should be interesting to see what lies ahead.

By Dale Nauertz

Tonight I had the great pleasure of meeting an honest-to-God famous person. Well, a famous person that you may not know. Bruce Campbell: American cinema’s best kept secret.

For the uninitiated out there: Bruce Campbell is the star of the “Evil Dead” film trilogy. He is the man with the chainsaw hand. The guy who says things like “Groovy” and “Gimme some sugar, baby”. He is the epitome of cool in a zombie crisis situation. But the great thing about him in these movies is that he isn’t the brightest of guys. He’s just the only guy who is around to deal with the problem. He isn’t the greatest of heroes. He’s just the only person around. A bit of a jerk, really, but he has to rise to the challenge. Therein lies the greatness of Bruce Campbell. He’s a fearless actor.

Sure, he isn’t the greatest thespian ever to appear on film, but he has a real charm to him. There’s just something great about him. He’s not afraid to do anything on film. He’s genuinely funny, with a slapstick air about him and a technique with physical comedy that makes him a bit of an heir to the throne of Buster Keaton (look no further than the scene where his hand becomes possessed in “Evil Dead 2″, it’s a gutbuster). He also is a master of what I like to call “eyebrow acting”. “Eyebrow acting” is just how it sounds: it’s conveying emotions with the eyebrows. But some people just don’t know how to use eyebrows properly. They don’t know the delicate range of emotions that a great flick of the eyebrows can convey. It’s an art that a lot of actors just don’t make use of. I only notice it because, in my few cinematic roles (videos shot by Ben Heckendorn) I have been told that I am very good at using my eyebrows. Therefore, I tend to notice it in other actors. But that isn’t all that he does well. Like Kurt Russell at his best (though better than Kurt) he has mastered the art of underplaying in a crisis situation. He has mastered the art of the one-liner.

In short: he rules.

But enough of eyebrows and other things. During a fifteen minute Q and A session, Bruce answered many questions that even those who are not interested in zombie flicks might find interesting. One of Bruce’s upcoming roles, for example, is that of a wrestling announcer in his friend Sam Raimi’s new movie. A little movie called “Spider Man”. Perhaps you’ve heard about it. Anyways, Bruce has the pivotal role of the man who names Spider Man. Really! He’s the announcer of a wrestling match between Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man and “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Tobey tells Bruce that he is “The Human Spider” and Bruce shakes his head. He then announces him as “The Amazing Spider Man”. “So, without me, the movie would be called ‘The Human Spider’.”

Bruce also told us a little something about a film called “Bubba Ho Tep”. Now, get a load of the plot of this one: Bruce plays Elvis Presley at age 68, now living in a retirement home. Ossie Davis is also in the film, as an elderly man who believes that he is JFK. See, Ossie thinks that he was painted black and put in the retirement home and that part of his brain is still being kept alive in the White House somewhere. He also believes that there is an ancient Aztec mummy roaming the halls of the retirement home sucking the souls out of the patrons through their assholes. I could not make this shit up. But I am glad someone has. It sounds like the most gonzo premise since “Being John Malkovich” and I, for one, hope that it doesn’t go straight to video the way that some sacreligious fan suggested this evening.

He also said that he will not be involved in the fifth “Phantasm” movie. But I don’t think anyone really gave a shit about that one anyway. Though, if Bruce were in it…..

Anyway, Bruce is the most personable and fun guy you could ever hope to meet. He’s a wonderful guy who actually seems a lot less conceited than most average people I have met. He allowed me to have my picture taken with him and signed a copy of his book, which, by the way, is the reason that he was in town. It’s called “If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor” and, unlike most books about celebrities, this one is about the harsh reality of working in Hollywood as told by one of those people who slave away at it for years without achieving super-stardom. Think about it for a second and you’ll realize just how cool a concept that is. We all know what life is like for the Bruce Willises and Steven Spielbergs of the world. But what about the, well, the Bruce Campbells? If this intrigues you, then I whole-heartedly urge you to rush out and pick up a copy of his book. It’s twenty-five bucks well spent, from