By Dale Nauertz

It happens every year. Every year there is that BIG SUMMER ACTION MOVIE. You know what I’m talking about: the one that everyone and their brother is supposed to flock to. The one that is WHAT SUMMER is all about. And, invariably, it burns you. Because it is usually shit.

Oh, you doubt me? Hmmm, well, think it over. What did we have last year? “Mission: Impossible 2″. No wonder everyone thought last year was such a shitty movie year. It had this right smack dab in the middle of it. It wasn’t as horrible as I initially thought. No, I will confess. The plot is actually pretty solid. But it’s too long, its action scenes are way over the top, and Tom takes a major career backstep in it as far as acting is concerned. So it wasn’t as awful as I thought at first, but it was still a far cry from great. So they filled it full of explosions and put a lot of hype behind it. You can see almost anything with a lot of hype and explosions. If we learned anything from that Piece of Shit “Independence Day”, that should have been it. But I can’t just pick on “MI-2″. No, no. That’s not why I am sitting at my computer and communicating with all you fine people in cyberspace.

No. I am here to pick on “Pearl Harbor”.

If “Mission Impossible 2″ was the only example, we could just forget all about it. A fluke, you would say. Not even that awful of a movie, really. No big deal. Well, did you take stupid pills? Have you forgotten the awful dreck we have swallowed in the past few years? The shit that was supposed to be “Entertainment”? I sure as shit have not.

The following is a list of shitty movies that were forced down our throats in the summer moviegoing season:

“Independence Day”
“Batman Forever”
“Batman and Robin”
“Battlefield Earth”
“Armageddon” (or as Ben Heckendorn calls it: “I’m armageddon-a-headache”)
“Scary Movie”
“The Perfect Storm”
“Austin Powers 2″

And, lest ye forget, “The Phantom Menace”. Each of these movies could qualify as a crime against humanity itself. Each of these movies robbed me of hours I could have better spent clipping my toenails or masturbating or picking up cans along the roadside or WORKING. Any of those activities would be preferable. Oh, I even got conned into enjoying “The Phantom Menace” somehow. Deep down inside of me there was a small child who still loved anything Star Wars and refused to accept that the movie was not so great. Deep down inside, I was in denial. The THX and the nostalgia and the memories of better movies actually led to me being entertained. I apologize. I see now the error of my ways. But each of these movies was bad. But they each made money. Well, okay, “Battlefield Earth” didn’t make money, but it only proves there’s only so much shit that even AMERICANS will swallow.

My point? Each year there is a new, shitty movie with incredible hype and a well-cut trailer that makes anyone who has ever gone to a movie come out of hiding and salivate and get their butts into the seat. Sometimes, be it the air conditioning or the THX or the popcorn smells emanating from the lobby, the movie actually is somewhat enjoyable. And some of those movies are good. Some. But most of them, the ones with the most hype, suck. Suck big, in fact. Hype is usually a good indication that a movie is going to blow, and blow big time. It was the tremendous hype on “Men in Black” that killed it for me the first time I saw it. But that movie actually was good. It was the exception that proved the rule. It had style, it had class, it had wit. Something every movie on that list could have benefited from. Hype is another tool Hollywood uses when it realizes it has a dead dog on its hands. It’s a way to make their money back. Hell, they’re in business to make money. Any Hollywood executive who tells you he’s in it for the art, they’re bullshitting you. They’re making money. And when they put as much cash into a sick cow as they did “Pearl Harbor”, of course they are going to lure you into the theater any way they know how. They are going to hype this bitch up like it’s the second coming of Christ.

A good movie, you see, doesn’t need the hype. It relies on reviews and word of mouth. It relies on people who have seen the movie and will tell you that it is worthwhile. Example? “Titanic”. There was no hype on “Titanic”. Now you’re probably thinking: “Bullshit! I saw hype!” No, you didn’t you ignorant fool. You saw a couple ads. After that, it was just your friends harping on how great it was (it was great, just admit defeat right now) and urging you to go to the theater. If you went and it didn’t live up to those expectations, well, that was your friends making this thing sound impossibly great. Hollywood didn’t need to rub your face in the shit. They did that later, when “Titanic” was doing gangbusters and the studio realized they could make a little extra off it. That was reverse hype, not Hype. Hype is when, two weeks before the movie comes out, you see a print ad every time you open the newspaper, you are bombarded with music videos, you are firebombed and blitzkrieged by television commercials whenever you mistakenly pass by a television. Hype is what got us all into “Independence Day”. Hype is what lured you into “Godzilla”. Hype is what made “Armageddon” a hit. (God Help Us All!)

And that was the problem, dear friends. “Armageddon” was SHIT. Oh, yes it was. Don’t dispute it, you’re fighting a battle you cannot possibly win. It had a shitty romance, it had a lame ending, it had some fun stuff toward the front of the movie and then slowly turned to shit later on. It was patriotic, dumb bullshit with a hot chick in it (what would one of these retard movies be without a hot chick?) and it made a shitload of money because our brains seem to rust when it’s hot. “Armageddon” made money, so Micheal Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer were able to profit and go on to RAPE AMERICAN HISTORY by using their immense hype talents on-

“PEARL HARBOR”!

It’s a “Titanic” wannabe. Look at it! Look it right in the eyes! Two attractive people (Sorry, THREE, this is what’s known in Hollywood as ORIGINALITY) and a big disaster. “Titanic” worked, because it had characters we cared about and its effects were excellent and it had a heart and a soul. This is a clone of that. And we all know that clones have no soul. The original of something has a life to it. The clone of that same thing is just that thing warmed over. It’s like those guys who want to be black and turn their hat backwards. It doesn’t work, because everyone can see through it. Well, if you can’t see through it, “Pearl Harbor” is going to work. “Titanic” made money so Bay and ShitHeimer thought “Hell, WE can do that!” But they can’t. Neither of them is James Cameron. Want proof? Before “Titanic”, Cameron made “Terminator 2″, “Aliens” and “True Lies”. Before “Pearl Harbor” Bay has made “Armageddon”, “The Rock” (an entertaining flick, yes, but it does not prove he can do anything serious) and “Bad Boys”. You remember what a pile of shit “Bad Boys” was, don’t you? I sure as hell do. Ugh! I rest my case. Cameron cares about his characters. All evidence proves that Bay does not.

So if there are no characters to care about (one of them is Ben Affleck, so I’m pretty sure there aren’t), what do we care when the bombing happens? Yes, it was a terrible tragedy, but if we don’t like any of the people, it becomes nothing more than a bunch of “Cool” explosions, and that is entirely against the point. The battle stuff in “Saving Private Ryan” was harrowing. Harrowing. It was cool in that it was effective. But if we see people who could have been our grandparents being blown apart and think “Cool Explosion”, well, the movie is NOT doing its job. That’s my point. If this movie were being made by Spielberg or Cameron, I would be there opening night. If Coppola or Aronofsky or David Lean were making this movie, I would be first in line. Those are filmmakers who understand human drama, and know how to put us through the wringer. They know how to stage an explosion that has a point, that MEANS something. Bay does not. Nor does Bruckheimer.

Need more reasons to stay home? Okay. Here ya go.

A) There is a shitty Faith Hill song in it.

B) It WILL be as rapidly edited as a music video. No thanks. “Gladiator” was good despite that, but it’s a trick that won’t work too often.

C) It’s only PG-13. How the fuck can an effective War movie be PG-13? Huh? Tell me that!

D) The most intriguing stories in it are the real-life stories (from what I’ve read). So why not make the movie more true to life? Why not ditch the sappy love story (I’ve heard some of the lines of dialogue. One of them is “I’m going to give Danny my whole heart, but I’ll never see another sunset without thinking of you”. CLUNK. Remember this was the guy who brought you that fucking animal crackers scene!) and concentrate on the stuff that, oh, I don’t know, ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!???

E) The animal crackers scene in “Armageddon”.

I rest my case. If you go see this movie, you will just encourage this sort of stupid shit to keep going on. Movies in the summer (and every other time) will just keep getting worse and worse. They will just keep making shit this bad. Summer movies used to not suck. Remember “Ghostbusters”? “Jaws”? “Raiders of the Lost Ark”? These were summer films! Movies can be that good again, we just have to raise the bar. We must draw a line in the sand and say “No more of this bullshit! Respect my intelligence!” Women demand a certain amount of respect before they will allow a man to get into their pants. Why can’t we demand the same thing of a movie before it can worm it’s way into our wallet? We can! We should! Stand up! In the immortal words of Twisted Sister, just say “We’re Not Gonna Take It!”

If you must see a good love story about Pearl Harbor, rent “From Here to Eternity”. If you want to see the bombing done magnificently, rent “Tora, Tora, Tora”. You can make a difference. Voting is difference. That requires filling out a piece of paper. This requires not giving up your money. People actually LISTEN to that. Stop bitching about movies and put your money where your mouth is. It’s the only way these greedy Hollywood pricks are gonna learn.

(And, yes, I have been reading a lot of Carlin lately. This one’s for you, George, I’m sure you’d agree.)

By Dale Nauertz

Yes, it’s that time of year again. Time for everyone in Hollywood to tell us that they actually make uplifting and/or “important” films all year by selecting the four or five films of the year that actually made a difference. Well, most years anyway. But, apparently, not this year. The year 2000 was not as bad a year as most people say it was, but you would never know that from the damn Oscars.

Yes, I loved “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”. I thought “Traffic” and “Erin Brockovich” were both fine films. And I thought “Gladiator” was pretty good. But “pretty good” is nowhere near “Best Picture”, folks.

I mean, come on! Hey, Academy! Get your dick out of “Gladiator”’s ass already! Jeez! It was only a few notches above a Bruckheimer film! In fact, if you had Jerry Bruckheimer produce “Ben-Hur” and morph it with “Spartacus” the results would be not unlike “Gladiator”. It has the same “world through a pair of shades” tone to it. It has the same rapid, concentration-deficit editing style. The only difference is that it has a fairly compelling story and some great acting. But that does NOT make it the best film of the year.

The Best Film of the Year? It was possibly “Quills” or “Almost Famous” or “Cast Away”. But guess what? None of those films were even NOMINATED!!!!! Horse shit, I say! How anyone can look me in the eye and tell me that “Gladiator” was better than any of these films is beyond me. IT is a crock. Easily the least great picture to win Best Picture in the past ten years. Ridley Scott is an overrated windbag of a director, too, by the way. All style. All the same style since “Blade Runner” and none of them all that hot. I liked “Gladiator”, I liked “Thelma and Louise” and I liked “Hannibal” fairly well. But based on the strength of these films, I would rate him as nothing more than a competent hack. That’s it.

“Gladiator” is not even as good as “Charlie’s Angels” for the love of Christ!

Anyway, aside from their lavishing awards on “Gladiator” I thought the awards were fairly competent. Oh, and the oversight of “Almost Famous”, “Cast Away” and “Quills” that is. Oh, and “Nurse Betty”. Steve Martin was a breath of fresh air. He was much funnier than just about anyone ever to host the Awards, and lightyears better than Whoopi (couldn’t even sit through the 1998 awards thanks to her). Ernest Lehman deserves his recognition (Better late than never, I suppose). For writing “North by Northwest” and “Sabrina” alone he deserves an award. Dino has produced more movies than God and was worthy of his award as well.

Glad to see Benicio get recognized. He is awesome in just about anything. Thank God Cameron Crowe and Steven Soderbergh were recognized (the least the fucking Academy can do after mainly stiffing Crowe’s film) and the awards given to “Crouching Tiger” were nice to see also. I thought Ellen Burstyn deserved Best Actress, but Julia was my second choice and her acceptance speech dissolved my skepticism as I watched. However, how the Academy can stiff both Tom and Geoffrey for their best performances ever (Make it a tie) and give it to the utterly humorless Russell Crowe (thought he was gonna kill Steve Martin) is a travesty. Russell is a good actor, true, but not as good as either of those other men. Or Ed Harris, for that matter. Based on his work in that CLIP from “Pollock” I would almost be tempted to give him the award.

Vincent Price, oops, Bob Dylan deserved his award for Best Song (just listen to the songs and tell me he didn’t). And Bjork? What the hell is that woman on? I wanna know someday. A Swan dress? Uh, no comment. And it was nice to see Marcia Gay Harden even get mentioned! I have been interested by her work since I saw her in “Miller’s Crossing”. I didn’t see “Pollock” but it looks like a powerful work and she is always very good in anything. See her in “Space Cowboys” in fact.

So, in summary, the night was a sham and a travesty and a real pain in the ass. But it usually is and at least Steve Martin made everything worth sitting through. Nice to see someone funny aside from Billy (and funnier than Crystal, come on) hosting the things for a change.

Hope he’s back next year. And I hope that next year the Oscars award something of higher quality that tackles more important issues and comments upon the human condition in a refreshing and compelling manner.

Something like, oh, I don’t know, “Charlie’s Angels”.

By Jason Jones

I should have known. I really should have. When was the last time the Oscars got it right anyway? I don’t know, but it’s been awhile. Maybe with “Titanic”, but who knows. This year seemed like they were going to screw it up again, but then events towards the end of the show made it seem as if the Academy voters were going to extract themselves from the rectal cavity of “Gladiator” and do the right thing after all.

Boy was I wrong! The false hope came in the form of Stephen Gaghan winning adapted screenplay for “Traffic”, Cameron Crowe taking original screenplay honors for “Almost Famous” and the biggest shock of the night, Steven Soderbergh taking home a much deserved best director award for “Traffic”. I couldn’t believe it. They had gotten three in a row right! When was the last time this happened?!? After Soderbergh’s win, I had high hopes that they were going to actually give the best picture to a deserving film such as “Traffic”. Boy was I in another world. We’re going to give it to “Gladiator” instead of giving it to a film that has an important message behind it.

Don’t get me wrong. I like “Gladiator”. I really do. It’s a well done popcorn film with some wonderful performances (but not that wonderful). It is a pretty good film that had no right being anywhere near the stage on Oscar night. I can name at least ten films that were better this past year and I think I will. “Quills”, “Wonder Boys”, “Requiem For a Dream”, “Traffic”, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, “Almost Famous”, “Space Cowboys”, “Dr. T. & The Women”, “Erin Brockovich”, “The Patriot” are just ten of the many that were better films than “Gladiator”.

The crowning of “Gladiator” as the best picture of 2000 is the lone reason why people will look back on the body of films from 2000 as nothing more than a joke. This is totally unfounded and something I have been thinking about a bit lately. I actually think, hang onto your butts, that 2000 may have been a better year than 1999, but that salvo will be held back until I unleash my best of 2000 list, which will be arriving before too long.

I guess there were some other awards handed out on Oscar night, which felt more like career recognition night than rewarding the best of the best. I figure I will go through each of the major categories and tell you who won and who I thought should have won. That sounds like fun.

BEST ACTOR

Javier Bardem (”Before Night Falls”)
Russell Crowe (”Gladiator”)
Tom Hanks (”Cast Away”)
Ed Harris (”Pollock”)
Geoffrey Rush (”Quills”)

This one really irritated me. Somehow the Academy, in their infinite wisdom, bestowed this award on Crowe. WHY?!?!? The only reason I can think of is that this is the Academy’s way of saying, “Sorry Russell. We screwed up last year by not giving you the award for your performance in “The Insider” (which was an Oscar worthy performance).” That is the only notion I have as to why and how they could give it to some fool going around saying “I am Maximus. Hear me roar!” over the likes of the other nominees in the category. Rush was nothing short of brilliant in “Quills”. He is the Marquis De Sade, but maybe he was a little too much for the academy in terms of his running about in little to no clothing for a large portion of the film. Piss on them! Rush rules!!! Hanks also delivered a fine performance that was augmented by the back and forth he had with a mere volleyball that took on a life of it’s own through Hanks’ grounded acting. The other two performances (by Bardem and Harris) I have not had the privilege of seeing yet, but I need to. Just based on the clips I saw of their performances on Oscar night I would have handed either of them the little gold guy over Crowe.

BEST ACTRESS

Joan Allen (”The Contender”)
Juliette Binoche (”Chocolat”)
Ellen Burstyn (”Requiem For a Dream”)
Laura Linney (”You Can Count On Me”)
Julia Roberts (”Erin Brockovich”)

This category was the only sure thing of the evening, but the sure thing was not the right thing. Julia was great in “Erin Brockovich”. Hell, I even championed her cause for the better part of last year. That was before I saw Ellen Burstyn wither away before my very eyes in “Requiem For a Dream”. It was then that I knew I had seen the BEST PERFORMANCE of 2000. There is not a flaw to be found in her performance. She takes what has to be one of the most difficult, demanding, and degrading roles ever assumed by a woman of her stature and makes it into something that is beautiful to behold, but horrifying to watch. Aside from Ellen, Joan Allen also gave her usual brilliant performance in “The Contender”. If it were not for Ellen, Joan would have been the most deserving in my eyes. Laura Linney is always great and although I haven’t seen “You Can Count On Me” yet, after seeing a clip of her performance I think I can justify saying that she deserved to be among the nominees. That is something I cannot say for Juliette Binoche, the Miramax ice princess who was here for reasons unbeknownst to myself and the majority of the cinematic world for her performance in the Oscar bait fairy tale that is “Chocolat”. Lastly, Julia, the next time you win an award could you not be quite so longwinded? As you droned on it seemed as if you were saying “I make $20 million for every movie I make, so you will listen to everything I have to say.” I think that anybody else, with the possible exception of Tom Hanks, would have had the music cued on them after about a minute and a half, but she managed to ramble for three and a half! Plus, if Tom had won, I’m thinking he would have had the class to wrap it up within an appropriate amount of time. Not good Julia, not good.

BEST DIRECTOR

Stephen Daldry (”Billy Elliot”)
Ang Lee (”Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”)
Ridley Scott (”Gladiator”)
Steven Soderbergh (”Erin Brockovich”)
Steven Soderbergh (”Traffic”)

This one floored me. I couldn’t believe they got it right. I expected another Ang Lee win, which wouldn’t have been a bad thing, but it wouldn’t have been the right thing. This was Soderbergh’s year and I was very happy to see him rightfully rewarded for his directorial masterpiece, “Traffic”. It was also fun to watch Ridley Scott sink in his chair and look constipated, after Soderbergh’s name was announced, due to his realization that he was not going to walk on stage. I bet he was wishing that he had been a producer at that point. Oh yeah, there was that Stephen Daldry clown who made that manipulative jingoist piece of crap that goes by the name of “Billy Elliot”. I don’t care about your movie and I don’t plan on ever having to put myself through seeing it. Make something I give a shit about next time.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Jeff Bridges (”The Contender”)
Willem Dafoe (”Shadow of the Vampire”)
Albert Finney (”Erin Brockovich”)
Joaquin Phoenix (”Gladiator”)
Benicio Del Toro (”Traffic”)

I have no complaints about the selection of Del Toro in this category. I was slightly pulling for Dafoe to win, but I would have been more than happy with any one of these distinguished gentlemen taking home the award.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Judi Dench (”Chocolat”)
Marcia Gay Harden (”Pollock”)
Kate Hudson (”Almost Famous”)
Frances McDormand (”Almost Famous”)
Julie Walters (”Billy Elliot”)

This was probably the biggest shocker of the night. Oscar pundits had been proclaiming Kate Hudson the winner for weeks in advance. This I could not understand. I thought “Almost Famous” was great, but not because of Kate. I thought she merely held her own and I can’t say that she would have been on my list of nominees for the past year. Thankfully the Academy stepped up and gave it to a fine actress, in a little known film, by the name of Marcia Gay Harden. I haven’t seen “Pollock” yet, but judging by the clips I’ve seen I’m sure she’s great in it and well deserving of the award. I was pulling for Frances McDormand in this category, but I have no complaints with the outcome. I’m just happy that the Academy brushed aside the pretentious Oscar-bait performances of Julie Walters and Judi Dench. The way things have gone in recent years I think Judi Dench could garner a nomination for taking a shit. Watch for her next year in “The Outhouse Rules”. If only the next Miramax turd in the pipe were so aptly named.

Other things that didn’t completely piss me off, but irritated me nonetheless include:

1. “Gladiator” beating out “Quills” for costume design.

2. “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” beating out “Quills” for art direction.

3. “Gladiator” losing the one category I felt it should win, best score, to “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”.

4. “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” beating out the often overlooked Mel Gibson revolutionary war drama “The Patriot” for best cinematography.

5. “The Grinch” beating out “The Cell” and “Shadow of the Vampire” for best makeup.

6. “Gladiator” by some stretch of the imagination taking the visual effects award from “Hollow Man”.

7. Last, but certainly not least, “U-571″ beating “Space Cowboys” for sound editing. This violates the first rule of Oscar balloting “Thou shalt not vote against Clint!”

Well, that’s about it. Once again the Oscars have irritated me in untold ways, but at least they got a few things right this year. Maybe this is a trend that will continue in years to come. I hope that is so, but I am not going to hold my breath. Instead it is much more likely that I will be impersonating Colonel Kurtz from “Apocalypse Now” come Oscar night next year. I can hear him, as “Gladiator” was announced as the best picture winner, saying those words that are his and his alone.

“The horror.”

By Dale Nauertz

Well here it is, already two months deep into the year 2001 and nary a space odyssey in evidence. The last of the big movies has finally been released in the Madison, Wisconsin area, which is the place where people like Jones and myself go to see anything of substance. The last of the Oscar bait films has been allowed to run rampant in the multiplexes (the last being “Shadow of the Vampire”, a movie that I was waiting to see before compiling this list but, despite having moments of greatness, poses no threat to fine fare like “Chicken Run”) and so it is high time that I pen this little letter of praise to the films that moved me. None of them made me cry, as far as I can remember. So right there we have a year that does not measure up to its predecessor. Sure, it is a rare thing to make me cry. There are only five films at the most that have achieved this honor. But one or two of them did rear their beautiful heads in 1999.

Contrary to popular consensus, however, this year was not the horrorshow of cinema that is reputed to be. This was not a tremendously shitty year in motion pictures. However, it wasn’t exactly a wonderful one either. The last month or so has had a wealth of fine pictures. Tis a pity they could not have been more evenly distributed throughout the course of the year. With one or two exceptions, months like June and September were arid wastelands at the local theater. December (and January of 2001, by the time most theaters got a hold of the films) were a great time to be a connoiseur of cinema, with a good number of films worthy of seeing. One weekend, in particular, ranks among my finest moviegoing experiences. And, thus, one of the most fun times I have had in my life.

Yes, I am aware that I need to get out more.

So now, without further adieu, here it comes……

THE WORST OF 2000

Hey, before I start waxing the cars of the movies I liked, it’s time to get one last shot at the ones I didn’t. The ones that I REALLY didn’t.

1. (The Worst) “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”

The cinematic equivalent of a lump of coal or even a turd in one’s stocking. Egads, this movie sucks in every conceivable way. This was one of those movies that was so bad that I left the theater in a rage. The movie takes a beloved and great Christmas special and a great Dr. Seuss book and drags it through the mud. The fact that I cannot remember a movie having this much cross merchandising should give you a sign of what is wrong here. Things are not right in Whoville. It subverts the purpose of the source material and whores it out for its own crass commercial motives. Sure, crap like “Battlefield Earth” sucks, but it didn’t piss me off quite this much.

2. “Battlefield Earth”

Oh dear. John Travolta in dreadlocks with a snot runner hanging from his nose. Forest Whitaker, taking career slump to all new lows. Rat-eating, pastel planets, godawful dialogue that offends the ear like a wrong musical note. As Marlon Brando might have said: “The horror!” Why is the camera tilting? Why so many wipes? Ugh. New lows in filmmaking ineptitude are hit here. Not every year has its own “Hudson Hawk” which, by the way, was leaps and bounds better than this sorry fiasco.

3. “American Psycho”

Pretentious crap. Nothing but. Christian Bale plays this guy so broad it’s like a cartoon. An alleged comedy that has no idea how to poke fun at American excess other than killing people. This is what passes for clever in this day and age?

Other than these, I can’t think of anything I really, flat-out hated. “The Perfect Storm” was kinda embarrassing and “Scary Movie” was overrated, though it had its moments, and “Road Trip” actually gets better the more I think about it. But these were just average, not abysmal.

WINNER OF THE 2000 “FIGHT CLUB” AWARD

This honor goes to the movie that I hated the most that has grown the most on me since my first viewing of it. “Fight Club” did this last year, as did “Eyes Wide Shut” to some extent. This year it was nothing as revolutionary as these, though it DID involve Tom Cruise.

“Mission: Impossible 2″

If you watch it again, you begin to appreciate it. It does have a solid plot and, at the very least, the action sequences do manage to stir the blood. And they are impossible and absurd, but they are addictively watchable.

Now, onto the good stuff.

THE BEST OF 2000

1. “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”

A beautiful, soul-stirring marriage of plot, action sequences, and lyrical beauty. It’s the most wonderful thing I’ve seen this year. A truly daring and whole-heartedly romantic film that dares you to dream. It dares you to forget the world you know and welcome one of old. One that, in fact, never existed at all. It is a tonic for the world-weary, uncynical soul. Even a cynical soul will find themselves wrapped in this intoxicating poem if they allow themselves to be. Chow Yun Fat, Zhang Ziyi, Michelle Yeoh- I commend you all. And thank you, Ang Lee, for committing your boyhood dreams to celluloid. It was truly worth it.

2. “Quills”

The most important message movie of the year, and the one that works the best. This film has the best script of the year. The dialogue is the best I have heard in a long while, and the actors all give one hundred percent. The costumes, the passion, the sterling direction and the nice ironic flourishes. All of them make this a vital movie and so much more than an average costume drama. And it has a playful, deliciously dark sense of comedy as well. a real treat and a magnificent find. You owe it to yourself to run to the theater for this one. A more important film you will not find at the current time. Or at much of any time. Bold, brilliant stuff.

3. “Cast Away”

Like “Scent of a Woman” this is one of those movies that depends completely on the strength of its leading man. It’s basically a one-man show. Great, then, that the one man in question is Tom Hanks: my favorite actor of the generation. He is riveting here. Alone on an island and nothing short of fascinating. Though the movie itself is also a marvel. Bold in its choice to forego music and voiceover narration and let the images speak for themselves. How often does that happen these days? Not very. When he gets back to land and you see the effect of his time on those around him, well, it’s even relevant. Tom astounds me yet again. And Zemeckis proves that he is still worthy of my praise.

4. “Almost Famous”

Beautifully written. A true labor of love. And the love passes onto the audience. I saw this movie more often at the theater than any other. Why? Because I love William Miller. I love Penny Lane. I want to be on tour with Stillwater. I want to be with these people. I want to be on that bus singing “Tiny Dancer” with everyone. I don’t want my heart broken. But this movie contains one of the most beautiful, truthful scenes of heartbreak that I have ever seen. And the acting is fabulous. Patrick Fugit: I look forward to seeing you in anything else. Billy Crudup, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Frances McDormand, Jason Lee..hell, everyone. And Cameron Crowe, buddy, thanks you from the bottom of my heart.

5. “Chicken Run”

God, this movie is still great. I still love it. I still care way too much about the fates of those clay-animated chickens. This is one of those rare animated films that seems to have a soul. Don’t tell me that these chickens aren’t real. For an hour and a half, I believe in them and everything they do.

6. “Nurse Betty”

Rene Zellweger, you have stolen my heart. If you want to return it, email me and I will give you my address. Rene is the reason this movie is as high as it is. She is enchanting, incandescent in this movie. I dare you not to fall in love with her. And the rest of the movie is awesome as well. Everything works. Morgan Freeman and Chris Rock have marvelous chemistry as yin/yang hit men pursuing a plucky dreamer to her fictional lost love. A quirky, darling, dark masterpiece.

7. “High Fidelity”

Truer than you might think. Sharply written, wryly observed, and honest. Crawls inside men’s minds and gives you a surprisingly accurate description of what’s inside. John Cusack is his usual magnificent self, Stephen Frears is a great director, and Jack Black is an unruly force of nature. Dynamite stuff. Sure to be on anyone’s Top Five Romantic Comedies of All Time. And the only romantic comedy I have ever seen with a truly male slant.

8. “Requiem For a Dream”

Anyone who sees this movie and does drugs is nothing less than a fucking idiot. This is bold, daring and immensely creepy stuff. Gripping, raw and nearly sick. It pulls no punches and disturbs even the most undisturbable of moviegoers. Not exactly a treat, and no one’s idea of a fun time at the movies, but it still demands to be seen. Recommend it to a friend on drugs.

9. “Traffic”

A drug epic focusing on every facet of the drug trade. Fascinating and exhilarating. Not quite as raw as “Requiem” but also more subtle and with a wider scope. You get to know the dealers, the smugglers, the cops, the kingpins, the witnesses, the government officials and the addicts and you get to know them up close and sometimes a little too personally. Look it up on the Internet Movie Database. See the names of everyone involved? Each and every one of them did a fabulous job and is worthy of praise. And in charge of all of them, bringing all their talents together for one common goal, is Steven Soderbergh. A true man and a wonder of a director.

10. “Unbreakable”

Unfairly dismissed by both critics and audiences, this is a thinking person’s comic book. Great characters, nice twists and hairpin turns, and a darker film than you might think. The sort of popcorn movie that actually sticks to the ribs.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

“Charlie’s Angels” (Fun)

“Space Cowboys” (Fun from a master)

“The Replacements” (probably the only time you’ll see this movie so close to the top ten, but I loved it)

“You Can Count On Me” (Well done)

“Erin Brockovich” (Julia rules! So does Soderbergh!)

“The Patriot” (Exquisite to look at, well acted and worth your time)

“O Brother Where Art Thou” (Rambunctious, delightful)

MOST OVERRATED

“Gladiator” - Yes, it is good. But “Best Picture” at the Golden Globes? Not quite. Though Russell and Joaquin both rule.

“Shadow of the Vampire” - How this ended up on so many top ten lists is beyond me.

BEST SONG

“Fever Dog”- “Almost Famous”

BEST COSTUMES

“Quills” (except for Geoffrey Rush in a couple of scenes)

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

“The Patriot”/”Unbreakable”

BEST SCORE

“Gladiator” - Hans Zimmer does something spectacular here.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

“Hollow Man” - The only thing about this movie that’s worth mentioning.

BEST ACTOR

Tom Hanks (”Cast Away”)- a spellbinding performance that I think I have raved about for long enough.

Geoffrey Rush (”Quills”)- fiendishly brilliant

Russell Crowe (”Gladiator”)- Yes, Hollywood, he has finally arrived. Now try not to piss him off.

Mike White (”Chuck and Buck”)- most unnerving male performance of the year.

Mel Gibson (”The Patriot”/”What Women Want”/”Chicken Run”)-charming, angry, devastated and devastating. And he can do them all in the course of a single scene!

BEST ACTRESS

Ellen Burstyn (”Requiem For a Dream”)- Most devastating female performance of the year. She wastes away before your very eyes. If, that is, you can dare to look.

Renee Zellweger (”Nurse Betty”)- the most enchanting female performance in a good, long time.

Julia Roberts (”Erin Brockovich”)- the most unflinching heroine in years. You don’t want to cross this woman, but you are glad she’s on your side. What’s more: she’s actually human. Julia never reduces her to sainthood.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Joaquin Phoenix (”Quills”)- Wow. That’s all I can say.

Morgan Freeman (”Nurse Betty”)- Take notes, folks: THIS is class.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Zhang Ziyi (”Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”)- A truly stunning debut. She acts AND she can kick your ass. Even if you don’t know what she’s saying, you know she is a talent to watch out for.

Erika Christensen (”Traffic”)- Watching her descent into drugs is like watching the cutest girl in school turn into a pitiful monster.

BEST SCREENPLAY

Doug Wright (”Quills”)- Sheer brilliance.

Cameron Crowe (”Almost Famous”)- Overwhelming and wonderful at once. Frank Capra, you have been bested.

BEST DIRECTOR

Steven Soderbergh (”Traffic”/”Erin Brockovich”)-This guy is really taking charge. Either of these movies are enough to get him a nomination. Put them both together and he’s a force to be reckoned with.

Philip Kaufman (”Quills”)

Ang Lee (”Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”)

M. Night Shyamalan (”Unbreakable”)- for proving that he can do better than “The Sixth Sense”, and that he’s no one-hit wonder.

Well, there you have it. I’m probably leaving something out. After all, I picked “American Beauty” as best film this time last year, but now I would likely give that honor to “The Straight Story” (much more moving, and infinitely beautiful). But this is the way I see it as of now. And I don’t think anything will arise to challenge any of these. If so, well, I won’t be complaining. No, 2000 wasn’t the year of Greatness that 1999 was, but if you look at the films here, I am sure you will find that it wasn’t as bad as it looked either.

By Dale Nauertz

So far, friends and neighbors, this has not been a great year in film. Oh, don’t get me wrong. There were several films that I absolutely adored. “Chicken Run” made me squeal with delight. “Space Cowboys” made me very, very happy. “X-Men” was cooler than hell and “High Fidelity” is second only to “Chicken Run” in my affections. Then there were some little movies that were largely forgotten by the rest of the crowd like “The Wonder Boys” and “The Patriot”. Okay, “The Patriot” was not exactly a little movie, but it was mostly ignored by people who thought it was going to be “Braveheart Part Two”.

But, so far, it has not been the monumental year of film that 1999 was. Then again, few years offer the wealth of glorious fare that 1999 did. 1999 was one of those years like 1984 or 1939, when a glut of amazing films come out to make up for the rest of the decade. There were no less than four films last year that qualified for “A+” status in my book. Believe me, that is rare. Not every year can be that great (though it would be nice) and I didn’t expect 2000 to be that way either, even if I was sort of hoping it would be.

But I didn’t expect to be disappointed quite this often.

Last year we had “American Pie” instead of “Road Trip” and “Scary Movie”. “American Pie” was witty, truthful and hilarious where the other two are just sporadically funny and mostly gross. Last year we had “The Matrix” instead of “Mission Impossible 2″. Those two are so far apart that I don’t even want to compare them. “Gladiator” was cool, but take away Russell Crowe’s performance and I don’t think you would have much of anything. Time after time this year I have seen dreck floating through the theater. “The Perfect Storm”: sappy, manipulative junk with good effects. “Gone in Sixty Seconds”: I barely even remember it, that’s how forgettable it was.

But there is still hope. Well, sorta. I was going to list ten films that I was anxiously waiting for, but I can’t even think of ten. That’s how empty our slate for the rest of the year is looking. But there are still a few things that look worth waiting for. And here they are.

1. “O Brother Where Art Thou”

The Coen Brothers have never disappointed me. As far as I remember, they have never even made a movie that was less than great. Maybe “Crimewave”, but that one was even a lot of fun. And with this one, an update of Homer’s “Odyssey” set in during the Great Depression and revolving around three escaped convicts who are chained togther, it doesn’t look as if they are about to start. The convicts are George Clooney, John Turturro, and Tim Blake Nelson. Nelson is a newcomer, but the other two you should know. You might remember Turturro simply as Jesus The Bowler in “The Big Lebowski”, but this guy has done a great wealth of things that you should have seen. He is consistently brilliant in movies like “The Cradle Will Rock” and “Barton Fink”. And if you haven’t seen it, you owe it to yourself to go out and see his delightful Groucho Marx impression in the film “Brain Donors”. It’s great stuff. And as for George Clooney, well, I have heard his role in this film described as “Cary Grant on drugs”. Now this I gotta see.

2. “Cast Away”

Tom Hanks and Robert Zemeckis, together again and on a deserted island. That’s all I need to know to want to see this movie. And Helen Hunt is in it too. Helen, in her short film career, has done no wrong. She was the thing that made “As Good as it Gets” worth sitting through. Nicholson may not have earned his Oscar, but she deserved every ounce of hers. Hanks? I think you all know how I love Hanks. I’d like to see him try his hand at comedy again (I miss the Tom Hanks of movies like “Bachelor Party” and “The Burbs”) but I would still follow him anywhere. And Zemeckis? Well, I’m hoping that working with Hanks is what he needs to regain the zaniness of his old movies, rather than the good and serious stuff he has been making lately (which are still good, but, well, I miss the old Zemeckis, okay?).

3. “Almost Famous”

The trailer has sold me on this one. If you haven’t downloaded it yet, what are you waiting for? The official site is pretty cool also. Like the Blair Witch website, it plays its plot completely seriously. This movie is Cameron Crowe’s semi-autobiographical account of touring with a rock band to write for Rolling Stone during the Seventies. It’s the story of a fifteen-year-old kid who gets to tour with the band Stillwater. Aside from Cameron Crowe’s loving and beautiful writing and directing (I love his choice of music in each and every one of his films) you have a stellar lineup of actors as well: Frances McDormand, Jason Lee, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Anna Paquin and Goldie Hawn’s daughter Kate Hudson. I am there.

4. “What Women Want”

Mel Gibson is a chauvinist bastard who is suddenly able to hear what women are really thinking. The afore-mentioned Helen Hunt is the woman that he wants, and whose thoughts he can read. And it’s a comedy. The only picture I have seen from this film is of Mel working out alongside a bunch of women. It made me laugh, as I hope the whole movie does. It has promise.

5. “Unbreakable”

M. Night Shyamalan’s followup to “The Sixth Sense” has Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson and another famous twist. Who cares what it’s about? I’ll see it.

6. “Pay it Forward”

We have Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, Haley Joel Osment and Barb Hilleshiem. (She runs the music store in Richland Center and she’s in it somewhere, I’ll be going just on the off chance that I catch a glimpse of someone I know onscreen). It’s about a teacher or something, and I think it’s set in Las Vegas. The cast is enough to ensure that my heinie will be in the theater opening weekend.

Other than that, I can’t think of anything else that really has me intrigued. “13 Days”? Thanks, Costner, I already saw “JFK”. “The Legend of Bagger Vance”? Maybe. Depends on the trailer. That movie where Robert De Niro and Cuba Gooding Jr. are scuba divers? I’ll pass. But at least there are a lot of great movies coming on DVD later this year.

By Dale Nauertz

If you listen ever so carefully, you can decipher a secret message in all of the annoying, orange space clown’s lines.

Just listen:

“Me’sa back!”

Translation: “Me’sa Suck!”

“You’sa Guys Bombad!”

Translation: “Buy all my toys at your local Wal-Mart Discount Store! Bug your parents until they want to kill George Lucas with a pointy object!”

“Hello, boyos!”

Translation: “If you think I’m annoying, wait until that Jake Lloyd dufus shows up.”

“You’sa people gonna die?”

Translation: “It’s been too long since I said something stupid. I know you missed me.”

“Ye Gads! Wassa me’sa saying?!”

Translation: Here, Jar Jar is expressing the question on the mind of every member of the audience.

“Mooey, mooey, I love you!”

Translation: “Me’sa want ten percent of the gross and fifteen percent’sa all action figure sales!”

“Well that smells stinkowhiff.”

Translation: ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

“Me’sa luv you long time.”

Translation: (Okay, so it wasn’t in the movie, but I was just entertaining thoughts of what it would have been like had Jar Jar played the role of the Vietnamese prostitute in “Full Metal Jacket”.)

“We’sa goin’ home!”

Translation: “If it weren’t for the big light saber fight, you’d all be making for the exits about now.”

Can’t wait for the sequel now, can you?

But Jar Jar could have spiced up plenty of other movies of the year as well. Just imagine it: Jar Jar as the star of Kevin Spacey’s masturbatory fantasies in “American Beauty”, Jar Jar being electrocuted in “The Green Mile” (we know you’d line up for this one). There are loads of options. He could be one of the digital characters obscuring the heavy action of “Eyes Wide Shut”. He could play one of the soldiers in “Three Kings” (”We’sa gettin gold!” “Me’sa save you Marky Mark!”). He could have humped the pie in “American Pie”. He could have testified against Big Tobacco in “The Insider”. He could even have performed backroom abortions with Michael Caine in “The Cider House Rules” (there’s one orphan no one would have been sorry to lose).

Hell, the possibilities are limitless!

By Jason Jones

1999 was an amazing year in the realm of cinema. Week after week we had something new and exciting to behold. It was truly an amazing time. A time that has most definitely passed. At least for the time being anyway. The year 2000, to this point, is a clear indicator that we were fortunate enough to live through a truly special year in film.

So why am I just now finally assembling my top ten list for 1999 in the early days of October 2000 you ask? There are a number of reasons:

1. I am lazy as Hell.
2. I had forgotten about it until Dale slung his Top Ten into my Inbox one day.
3. I wanted to make sure I had seen everything worth seeing before assembling the list to end all lists.
4. That’s just the kind of prick I am.

There are probably more excuses that I could trouble with, but like somebody once said “Excuses are like assholes. Everybody’s got one.”

So without wasting too much more of your precious time, here is my comprehensive list of what I felt was worth seeing from last year and why, along with my own personal non-bastardized Oscar presentations.

We’ll go from presentations down to number one just to make things interesting.

Let’s roll Billy Ho!

Best Actor

Russell Crowe (”The Insider”)
Kevin Spacey (”American Beauty”)
Nicolas Cage (”Bringing Out The Dead”)
Tom Cruise (”Eyes Wide Shut”)
Bruce Willis (”The Sixth Sense”)

People are going to want to hang me for this next one. Piss on ‘em! It’s my list.

Best Actress

Milla Jovovich (”The Messenger”)
Reese Witherspoon (”Election”)
Julia Roberts (”Notting Hill”)
Nicole Kidman (”Eyes Wide Shut”)

Best Supporting Actor

Tom Cruise (”Magnolia”)

No one else was anywhere near Tom in this category, so I will not waste time on listing them. He was robbed.

Best Supporting Actress

Melora Walters (”Magnolia”)
Emily Watson (”Cradle Will Rock”)
Diane Venora (”The Insider”)
Catherine Keener (”Being John Malkovich”)

Best Director

P.T. Anderson (”Magnolia”)
Stanley Kubrick (”Eyes Wide Shut”)
Luc Besson (”The Messenger”)
Michael Mann (”The Insider”)
Frank Darabont (”The Green Mile”)

Now to the meat and potatoes of the program.

Honorable Mention

“Bringing Out The Dead”
“Notting Hill”
“American Beauty”
“Blast From The Past”
“Payback”
“True Crime”

10. “The Mummy”

Without a doubt this is the movie that ranks as the most fun from the year gone by. Brendan Fraser is perfectly cast as the yutz who has to lead a contingent of naive Brits to the promised land of Hamunaptra. This was a film that I did not expect much of initially. Hell, the first time I saw it was at the Budget Theater! Since then it has grown on me. I find myself liking it more and more with each viewing. For me, that is reason enough to sneak it into my top ten.

9. “The World Is Not Enough”

Forget what you heard about Denise Richards as the Nuclear Engineer, or whatever else you may have heard that detracted from this film. Simply put: It is one of the best Bond films of all time. I would confidently place it in my Top Three alongside “Thunderball” and “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”. This provides all of the things we expect of Bond and takes them to another level at the same time. The boat chase during the pre-credit sequence easily ranks as the best action sequence of the year, if not the decade. On top of this, Brosnan finally seems to feel at home in the role of 007. He delivers one-liners with the same sort of non-chalantness that Sean Connery did. Plus Denise can practice fusion with me any time she wants.

8. “Being John Malkovich”

You wanna talk about originality. Hmmm….Let’s make a movie that revolves around people taking trips into John Malkovich’s mind 15 minutes at a time. Hell we’ll even sell passes! That is what you have in store for you if you take the trip that is “Being John Malkovich”. John Cusack and Cameron Diaz are barely physically recognizable in their roles as husband and wife. Completely original and blatantly hilarious, “Being John Malkovich” is a sure fire winner. I can’t remember the actor’s name, but he is the guy who plays Cusack’s senile boss. Anyway, that dude is hilarious, especially in the scene when he is lamenting the fact that his piss is orange from drinking too much carrot juice. Keep an eye out for him.

7. “The Green Mile”

I remember sitting alongside Dale as he cried like a baby for the last hour of this film. As I sat there I thought about how great the film must be to have that profound of an affect on someone. It did not touch me in quite the same way, but I did find it to be quite gripping nonetheless. Frank Darabont has outdone himself with this film. It’s a shame he doesn’t make more films, but at least when he does, he makes them of the utmost quality. All of the performances are done with an air of authenticity that lends a great amount of credibility to the story being told. Finally the scene of the failed electrocution was one of the most impactful scenes I have ever seen. Not for the faint of heart. That is a certainty.

6. “Cradle Will Rock”

Wow! What a pleasant surprise of a film this turned out to be. Tim Robbins once again proves himself to be one of greatest talents Hollywood has to offer with this directorial offering. It is the story of the play The Cradle Will Rock and the events surrounding it’s wayward path to being performed. The opening shot in this film is incredible, as it is one long take that lasts for seven minutes! Apparently Robbins was taking notes while on the set of Robert Altman’s “The Player”. The performances are all top shelf with notables being John Turturro, Hank Azaria and Emily Watson. Brilliantly filmed and masterfully put together “Cradle Will Rock” is a pure delight to behold. I felt compelled to stand up and applaud after the rousing conclusion to this film, even in the privacy of my own basement. Yes, it’s that good.

5. “Election”

What’s not to love about this film? You have the always adorable Reese Witherspoon playing the equally enviable and unbearable go-getter known as Tracy Flick. Matthew Broderick as Mr. McAllister, the teacher who gets a little too involved with the proceedings. A host of others round out the delightful cast of this witty little dark comedy that went largely unnoticed by the filmgoing community. Now you can make amends by going out and renting the number one comedy of 1999. For those of you who do, I foresee uncontrollable fits of laughter in your future.

4. “The Insider”

This movie really shocked me. As I said in my review, it’s one of those films that everybody told me was great, but I just really didn’t care at the time. Then the DVD came out, so twenty dollars left my wallet and the rest is history. Wow was the only word that came to mind after seeing this the first time. Shortly thereafter a whole question entered my mind: “What was I thinking?” Truly a film that needs to be seen to be believed. Russell Crowe sinks so deep into the character of Jeffrey Wigand that I am still trying to figure out how he got out in time to become General Maximus in “Gladiator”. Even Pacino is great for a change. He took a break from the overacting school to put together a performance worthy of his reputation. There is actually a moral center to his character for a change. It seems Michael Mann has a knack for bringing the best out of Pacino. First “Heat” and now “The Insider”. Every performance is dead on. Christopher Plummer is great, as is Diane Venora, and the list goes on and on. A beautiful film to watch. “The Insider” sinks the hooks in early and doesn’t let go until the final credits role.

3. “Eyes Wide Shut”

Thank goodness this wasn’t “Barry Lyndon” although to some people it exists in the same abyss, as the aforementioned. This film was sold as practically a late-night “Skinemax” feature by the media, when in reality it is a complex psychological study of the trust that exists in marriage and what it takes to maintain it. It also shows us what can happen when the boundaries of that trust are crossed. Visually this film is mesmerizing, as it languishes in a dreamlike state. Actions and the consequences of those actions are put under the microscope throughout the course of the film with the viewer left with their own interpretations and decisions to ponder as the closing credits roll. This film, along with the other constituents of the Top Three, had me locked me in so well that I found myself bolted into my seat as the credits came to an end. To me that is the mark of great filmmaking. Bravo Stanley. Thank you for one last showing of brilliance on your part. I will treasure it always.

2. “The Messenger”

Another film that took a lot of undo shit is “The Messenger”. I found this to be a truly captivating filmgoing experience. Luc Besson truly knows how to appeal to the viewer’s eye. The visuals in this film are so beautiful that mere words cannot describe them. In the past, I often said that I would give the award for cinematography to “Magnolia”, but now, after much reflection, I think that “The Messenger” is the one film truly deserving of such an honor. It is like watching a work of art come to life before your very eyes. Ms. Jovovich is spellbinding in the role of Joan. She has never had to show much range previously in her acting career, but with this performance she shows that she has all the necessary intangibles. She presents a depiction of a real life historical character (a very conflicted, strong-willed character) and breathes life into Joan, as she nails the performance to perfection. The only flaws this film may have are in the area of humor that is oftentimes misplaced, but after you watch the movie a couple of times you don’t even notice it anymore. This is one of the few films that actually brings me to tears. Powerful filmmaking to say the least.

1. “Magnolia”

Where do I begin? This movie is a tour de force of perfection in filmmaking. Not a single moment in this movie is flawed. Every last frame is captivating and meaningful. Every performance is sheer perfection. If there were a way to give out little gold guys to the entire cast, I would do it. Since I cannot do that, I will at least mention their names to give them some sort of recognition. Jason Robards as Earl Partridge, Phillip Baker Hall as Jimmy Gator, Melinda Dillon as Rose Gator, Melora Walters as Claudia Wilson Gator, William H. Macy as Donnie Smith, John C. Reilly as Jim Kurring, Julianne Moore as Linda Partridge, Henry Gibson as Thurston Howell, Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Phil Parma, Jeremy Blackman as Stanley Spector and last, but certainly not least, Tom Cruise as Frank T. J. Mackey. The stories of this motley crue of characters are masterfully woven together into a mesmerizing story of epic proportions. All of these people are having, for the most part, extremely shitty days. The sort of days we all hope we never have to go through. Director P.T. Anderson draws the maximum amount of emotion from his story by drawing out the tension in every scene to it’s absolute limit, as he builds towards the most shocking conclusion I have ever seen to a film. I salute P.T. for having the balls to conclude the film in the manner that he did. I can think of no other filmmaker who would have either the guts or the vision to realize it onscreen. I also salute Tom Cruise for delivering one of the best performances I have ever seen. A performance that manages to bring me to tears due to the incredible weight and power of the performance itself. Watch the bedside scene. Tell me you aren’t moved. You can’t. How he failed to receive the little gold guy is beyond me. On a final note. Kudos go out to the cast and crew for putting together the best film that has been released in the past thirty years: “Magnolia”.

By Dale Nauertz

1999, what a year. It was a year of remarkable highs and only a couple of lows that I can remember. It was a stunning year in the world of cinema, I don’t think anyone will dispute me on that. We saw a great many wonderful things, a great many movies that did something totally new and unique.

So why am I only writing about it now, you might ask. And it’s a good question. After all, most people had their lists out about nine months ago. Well, I wanted to make sure that I gave everything a decent shot. I wanted to make sure that I had it all sorted out before I put down anything definite. To make sure that I didn’t kick myself later on for omitting something or forgetting something or for just plain being a dumbass. But I will probably be doing that at a later date anyway. It seems somehow unavoidable.

So finally, at long last and without any further ado, I shall launch right into it.

1. “American Beauty”

This movie is nothing less than mesmerizing. I still cannot watch this movie without being swept up by it and hypnotized until the last frame. The first half is hilarious. The second half is just plain amazing. Of all the great stuff of the past year, this one is still the one I come back to the most. Great score, great editing, great production design, great everything. Especially the performances of Thora Birch, Wes Bentley, Chris Cooper and to a lesser extent Peter Gallagher, Annette Bening, and Mena Suvari. And, of course, the incomparable Kevin Spacey. This movie single-handedly made me a Spacey fan. Before this movie, I thought he was good, but very overrated. The internet hype, after all, is immense on him. I never saw “Seven”, I thought his performance in “The Usual Suspects” was good but not great, and I thought Dennis Hopper would have been a better Hopper in “A Bug’s Life”. After this performance, however, I think he can do no wrong.

He does, indeed, rule. So does this movie. Wow.

2. “The Green Mile”

There is nothing really groundbreaking about this one. It’s just an excellent story told with immense skill. It is a beautiful bit of filmmaking, old fashioned in the best possible sense. Every actor aces it. The production design is gorgeous. The screenplay is tender yet hard. The direction could not be better. And it made me cry buckets. Frank Darabont has done it again.

3. “The Matrix”

This movie kicks ass in a way that no movie of the decade had before it. Every action sequence is mind-blowing, no matter how often I see it. The acting isn’t award caliber, but it’s well suited to the material and it has some subtlety to it. But the greatest thing about it is that it is an action movie with a brain and some muscle. It is a sleek and well-made thrill machine that is actually thought provoking. One of the best sci-fi movies I have seen. Every frame of the movie is interesting, the editing is very good and the bad guys, even though they are just computer programs, are very menacing characters with some neat underlying things going on. Rarely do all these things blend so beautifully.

4. “Being John Malkovich”

Absurd, daring, hilarious. Again, a triumph of acting, writing and pure imagination. One of the best comedies of the Nineties. It’s the sort of movie where you find new laughs every time you watch it. And Malkovich proves himself the best of sports.

5. “Magnolia”

One of those great films that gets better and reveals new layers each and every time you see it, “Magnolia” was robbed of lots of nominations. Hell, at the end of last year, I probably wouldn’t have even put it in my top ten (even though I did like it) but now, well, it definitely grows on you. Startling, brainy, complex yet it never loses you. Filled to the brim with remarkable performances and wonderful twists and turns. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tom Cruise, Jason Robards, Philip Baker Hall, Jeremy Blackmore, Melora Walters, John C. Reilly, the list is endless when you are naming off the great performances of this film. An awesome spectacle and a true calling card that there is a new cinematic genius in town. And, I suspect, PT Anderson’s best film is still ahead of him.

That’s what makes me really excited.

6. “Election”

Unfairly ignored by the public, this witty, dark little satire never fails to make me laugh, and hard. The simple way that Matthew Broderick gets deeper and deeper over his head always makes me howl, as does the beautifully bitchy performance of Reese Witherspoon, who I will never look at the same way again. And the sad thing? High school was exactly like this.

7. “Three Kings”

Ballsy, daring, go-for-broke cinema. George Clooney is our generation’s answer to Steve McQueen: a cool guy whose smooth facade hides the fact that he is one hell of an actor. If you haven’t seen this one yet, you’re in for a treat. A movie that manages to make you laugh, make you think and make you squirm with discomfort all at the same time. Bold stuff.

8. “Iron Giant”

The bittersweet story of a boy who befriends a giant robot. It has subtle humor where other kid movies have fart jokes, it has real emotion where other kid movies have sap, and it has more power in it than most of the year’s real-life movies. Why parents didn’t flock to this one in droves is beyond me.

9. “The Sixth Sense”

The year’s biggest surprise. I was expecting…well, nothing. And yet I got a movie that is surprising, even shocking, yet more than just a movie with a neat twist at the end thanks to the subtle work of Bruce Willis and the astounding work of Haley Joel Osment (I see gold people in this kid’s future), not to mention the awesome screenplay and assured direction of M. Night Shyamalan. And it all makes sense on a second viewing too!

10. “Fight Club”

Talk about a movie that gets better every time you see it. First time I saw this movie, I was pissing on its bones. Yet something about it stuck with me and now I watch it more than I ever thought I would. The second biggest twist of the year, the darkest of satires (and one of the year’s funniest) and damned if it doesn’t make you think. And I think Edward Norton deserved a nomination for his droll portrayal of a man so pissed off that even HE doesn’t know it.

Best Actor
1. Kevin Spacey (”American Beauty”)
2. Russell Crowe (”The Insider”)
3. Edward Norton (”Fight Club”)

Best Actress
1. Julia Roberts (”Notting Hill”)
2. Franke Potente (”Run, Lola, Run”)

Honorable Mention Movies:
“Notting Hill”
“Run, Lola, Run”
“Bowfinger”
“Arlington Road”
“The Insider”

By Dale Nauertz

There is a man in a white tux. He walks into a bar, glances nonchalantly at his watch, makes eyes with a dancer, and something explodes. Everyone else in the bar runs out to see what has happened. He stands still at the bar, doing something with his eyebrows that is subtly too cool for words.

His name is Bond, James Bond. And if any mere mortal man could muster the amount of cool that Sean Connery shows in this one scene, we would never have to worry about trying to get a date ever again. We would also, I venture, be able to die happy men.

There is something unmistakably cool about the man, no matter who plays him. The men who play him must be chosen for their good looks, their suave nature, their amount of chest hair (seems to be part of the equation) and, above all, their utter coolness. Bond is the man that we would all love to be: a chick magnet, owner of a really cool car, an arsenal of gadgets at his command. He also can save the world without even getting his hair messed up. This is why he has survived the decades while other movie series have fallen by the wayside. This is the reason he still endures. He is not a man, he is our modern myth, a larger than life figure, just a couple steps below Superman. And we can always count on him to deliver two hours or so of astoundingly fun entertainment. Another amazing thing about the man: in all these years, he has never given us a bad movie.

Although “The Man With the Golden Gun” was pretty close.

So, in honor of the release of several of his films on DVD, I have taken this opportunity to compile the list of my personal favorite Bond films. These are the best of the best, the cream of the crop as far as I am concerned. They are the reasons that I am a Bond nut, even after all these years.

1. “From Russia With Love”

The best of the best. Connery is in top form here, cooler than ever. The story is one of the series’s best: a wild concoction of intrigue, danger and suspense, with a little romance and globe-trotting thrown in for good measure. It has Bond’s best villain: the burly, enigmatic Grant (played to steely perfection by a young Robert Shaw). It has the most easy to follow plot, it has a marvellous match of wits and muscles between Bond and his adversary aboard the Orient Express, and it does all this without the usual over-the-top touches that the Bond movies are sometimes guilty of. It also has the most satisfying ending of any Bond film. A classic in every sense of the word.

2. “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”

Although you rarely hear about him, George Lazenby steps very nicely into the role of James Bond. He exudes the coolness of Connery, yet he also allows you a glimpse into the mind of 007 that hasn’t quite been done since. Diana Rigg is the best of the Bond girls, and it is easy to see why Bond would want to stop his bed-hopping ways and settle down with her. She can drive, she can flirt, she can match wits with a supervillain. Who wouldn’t want to marry this woman? Telly Savalas also takes the role of Blofeld (the unseen, cat-loving psycho) and manages to put his own unique and graceful stamp on it. As Telly plays him, Blofeld is almost a match for Bond in the coolness catagory. And the ending will break your heart. Humor, wit, chemistry between Bond and his lady, a remarkable villain, one of the best ski chases ever filmed, and moments that will actually touch your heart. An amazing film. (A+, by the way).

3. “Goldfinger”

Connery shows up twice on this list, although that shouldn’t be a surprise. This one boasts the most memorable moments of any Bond film: the laser beam between the legs, the woman smothered in gold paint, Oddjob throwing his deadly hat and, of course, the meeting of Bond and Pussy Galore. The villain’s plot is ingenius (although we don’t really understand why he is showing it to these guys when he just plans to kill them in ten minutes anyway) and the Bond theme is used just enough to make things interesting. The only downside to this movie is the ending. The method in which Goldfinger is done away with is a bit of a letdown, but there is still more than enough to recommend this as mandatory viewing for any Bond fan or for those who want to be.

4. “For Your Eyes Only”

Roger Moore finally sinks into the role of 007 and shows us a bit of what is going on inside Bond’s head. We see true anger from him many times, as well as true regret and maybe even love. Not only that, but the action sequences are pure dynamite. Bond does not rely on the gadgets in this one, but rather he uses his wit and ingenuity to escape from every danger. And the part where he is rock-climbing to infiltrate the evil fortress will have you on the very edge of your seat. I guarantee it.

5. “Tomorrow Never Dies”

Brosnan is my second favorite James Bond and this movie is every reason why. He has the pure animal magnetism of Connery, the wit and dry humor of Roger Moore at his best, and the emotional range of Lazenby. If Connery had not already invented the role and made it his own, then Brosnan would be the best. The villain may be a bit too over the top, but other than that there is nothing wrong with this entry in the Bond series. His car is one of the best, the stunts and action are sensational and the villain’s dastardly plot is relevant to this day and age. All the planets are not quite aligned here, but it’s still one of the most entertaining spectacles that Bond has ever provided.

And there you have it. The five Bond films that you absolutely, positively have to rent, in my opinion. And, if at all possible, watch them on DVD. With the extras, the commentaries, the special features, and the documentaries you will have so many gadgets at your disposal that you might feel a little like, well, Bond.