By Dale Nauertz

So far, friends and neighbors, this has not been a great year in film. Oh, don’t get me wrong. There were several films that I absolutely adored. “Chicken Run” made me squeal with delight. “Space Cowboys” made me very, very happy. “X-Men” was cooler than hell and “High Fidelity” is second only to “Chicken Run” in my affections. Then there were some little movies that were largely forgotten by the rest of the crowd like “The Wonder Boys” and “The Patriot”. Okay, “The Patriot” was not exactly a little movie, but it was mostly ignored by people who thought it was going to be “Braveheart Part Two”.

But, so far, it has not been the monumental year of film that 1999 was. Then again, few years offer the wealth of glorious fare that 1999 did. 1999 was one of those years like 1984 or 1939, when a glut of amazing films come out to make up for the rest of the decade. There were no less than four films last year that qualified for “A+” status in my book. Believe me, that is rare. Not every year can be that great (though it would be nice) and I didn’t expect 2000 to be that way either, even if I was sort of hoping it would be.

But I didn’t expect to be disappointed quite this often.

Last year we had “American Pie” instead of “Road Trip” and “Scary Movie”. “American Pie” was witty, truthful and hilarious where the other two are just sporadically funny and mostly gross. Last year we had “The Matrix” instead of “Mission Impossible 2″. Those two are so far apart that I don’t even want to compare them. “Gladiator” was cool, but take away Russell Crowe’s performance and I don’t think you would have much of anything. Time after time this year I have seen dreck floating through the theater. “The Perfect Storm”: sappy, manipulative junk with good effects. “Gone in Sixty Seconds”: I barely even remember it, that’s how forgettable it was.

But there is still hope. Well, sorta. I was going to list ten films that I was anxiously waiting for, but I can’t even think of ten. That’s how empty our slate for the rest of the year is looking. But there are still a few things that look worth waiting for. And here they are.

1. “O Brother Where Art Thou”

The Coen Brothers have never disappointed me. As far as I remember, they have never even made a movie that was less than great. Maybe “Crimewave”, but that one was even a lot of fun. And with this one, an update of Homer’s “Odyssey” set in during the Great Depression and revolving around three escaped convicts who are chained togther, it doesn’t look as if they are about to start. The convicts are George Clooney, John Turturro, and Tim Blake Nelson. Nelson is a newcomer, but the other two you should know. You might remember Turturro simply as Jesus The Bowler in “The Big Lebowski”, but this guy has done a great wealth of things that you should have seen. He is consistently brilliant in movies like “The Cradle Will Rock” and “Barton Fink”. And if you haven’t seen it, you owe it to yourself to go out and see his delightful Groucho Marx impression in the film “Brain Donors”. It’s great stuff. And as for George Clooney, well, I have heard his role in this film described as “Cary Grant on drugs”. Now this I gotta see.

2. “Cast Away”

Tom Hanks and Robert Zemeckis, together again and on a deserted island. That’s all I need to know to want to see this movie. And Helen Hunt is in it too. Helen, in her short film career, has done no wrong. She was the thing that made “As Good as it Gets” worth sitting through. Nicholson may not have earned his Oscar, but she deserved every ounce of hers. Hanks? I think you all know how I love Hanks. I’d like to see him try his hand at comedy again (I miss the Tom Hanks of movies like “Bachelor Party” and “The Burbs”) but I would still follow him anywhere. And Zemeckis? Well, I’m hoping that working with Hanks is what he needs to regain the zaniness of his old movies, rather than the good and serious stuff he has been making lately (which are still good, but, well, I miss the old Zemeckis, okay?).

3. “Almost Famous”

The trailer has sold me on this one. If you haven’t downloaded it yet, what are you waiting for? The official site is pretty cool also. Like the Blair Witch website, it plays its plot completely seriously. This movie is Cameron Crowe’s semi-autobiographical account of touring with a rock band to write for Rolling Stone during the Seventies. It’s the story of a fifteen-year-old kid who gets to tour with the band Stillwater. Aside from Cameron Crowe’s loving and beautiful writing and directing (I love his choice of music in each and every one of his films) you have a stellar lineup of actors as well: Frances McDormand, Jason Lee, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Anna Paquin and Goldie Hawn’s daughter Kate Hudson. I am there.

4. “What Women Want”

Mel Gibson is a chauvinist bastard who is suddenly able to hear what women are really thinking. The afore-mentioned Helen Hunt is the woman that he wants, and whose thoughts he can read. And it’s a comedy. The only picture I have seen from this film is of Mel working out alongside a bunch of women. It made me laugh, as I hope the whole movie does. It has promise.

5. “Unbreakable”

M. Night Shyamalan’s followup to “The Sixth Sense” has Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson and another famous twist. Who cares what it’s about? I’ll see it.

6. “Pay it Forward”

We have Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, Haley Joel Osment and Barb Hilleshiem. (She runs the music store in Richland Center and she’s in it somewhere, I’ll be going just on the off chance that I catch a glimpse of someone I know onscreen). It’s about a teacher or something, and I think it’s set in Las Vegas. The cast is enough to ensure that my heinie will be in the theater opening weekend.

Other than that, I can’t think of anything else that really has me intrigued. “13 Days”? Thanks, Costner, I already saw “JFK”. “The Legend of Bagger Vance”? Maybe. Depends on the trailer. That movie where Robert De Niro and Cuba Gooding Jr. are scuba divers? I’ll pass. But at least there are a lot of great movies coming on DVD later this year.

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By Dale Nauertz

If you listen ever so carefully, you can decipher a secret message in all of the annoying, orange space clown’s lines.

Just listen:

“Me’sa back!”

Translation: “Me’sa Suck!”

“You’sa Guys Bombad!”

Translation: “Buy all my toys at your local Wal-Mart Discount Store! Bug your parents until they want to kill George Lucas with a pointy object!”

“Hello, boyos!”

Translation: “If you think I’m annoying, wait until that Jake Lloyd dufus shows up.”

“You’sa people gonna die?”

Translation: “It’s been too long since I said something stupid. I know you missed me.”

“Ye Gads! Wassa me’sa saying?!”

Translation: Here, Jar Jar is expressing the question on the mind of every member of the audience.

“Mooey, mooey, I love you!”

Translation: “Me’sa want ten percent of the gross and fifteen percent’sa all action figure sales!”

“Well that smells stinkowhiff.”

Translation: ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

“Me’sa luv you long time.”

Translation: (Okay, so it wasn’t in the movie, but I was just entertaining thoughts of what it would have been like had Jar Jar played the role of the Vietnamese prostitute in “Full Metal Jacket”.)

“We’sa goin’ home!”

Translation: “If it weren’t for the big light saber fight, you’d all be making for the exits about now.”

Can’t wait for the sequel now, can you?

But Jar Jar could have spiced up plenty of other movies of the year as well. Just imagine it: Jar Jar as the star of Kevin Spacey’s masturbatory fantasies in “American Beauty”, Jar Jar being electrocuted in “The Green Mile” (we know you’d line up for this one). There are loads of options. He could be one of the digital characters obscuring the heavy action of “Eyes Wide Shut”. He could play one of the soldiers in “Three Kings” (”We’sa gettin gold!” “Me’sa save you Marky Mark!”). He could have humped the pie in “American Pie”. He could have testified against Big Tobacco in “The Insider”. He could even have performed backroom abortions with Michael Caine in “The Cider House Rules” (there’s one orphan no one would have been sorry to lose).

Hell, the possibilities are limitless!

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By Jason Jones

1999 was an amazing year in the realm of cinema. Week after week we had something new and exciting to behold. It was truly an amazing time. A time that has most definitely passed. At least for the time being anyway. The year 2000, to this point, is a clear indicator that we were fortunate enough to live through a truly special year in film.

So why am I just now finally assembling my top ten list for 1999 in the early days of October 2000 you ask? There are a number of reasons:

1. I am lazy as Hell.
2. I had forgotten about it until Dale slung his Top Ten into my Inbox one day.
3. I wanted to make sure I had seen everything worth seeing before assembling the list to end all lists.
4. That’s just the kind of prick I am.

There are probably more excuses that I could trouble with, but like somebody once said “Excuses are like assholes. Everybody’s got one.”

So without wasting too much more of your precious time, here is my comprehensive list of what I felt was worth seeing from last year and why, along with my own personal non-bastardized Oscar presentations.

We’ll go from presentations down to number one just to make things interesting.

Let’s roll Billy Ho!

Best Actor

Russell Crowe (”The Insider”)
Kevin Spacey (”American Beauty”)
Nicolas Cage (”Bringing Out The Dead”)
Tom Cruise (”Eyes Wide Shut”)
Bruce Willis (”The Sixth Sense”)

People are going to want to hang me for this next one. Piss on ‘em! It’s my list.

Best Actress

Milla Jovovich (”The Messenger”)
Reese Witherspoon (”Election”)
Julia Roberts (”Notting Hill”)
Nicole Kidman (”Eyes Wide Shut”)

Best Supporting Actor

Tom Cruise (”Magnolia”)

No one else was anywhere near Tom in this category, so I will not waste time on listing them. He was robbed.

Best Supporting Actress

Melora Walters (”Magnolia”)
Emily Watson (”Cradle Will Rock”)
Diane Venora (”The Insider”)
Catherine Keener (”Being John Malkovich”)

Best Director

P.T. Anderson (”Magnolia”)
Stanley Kubrick (”Eyes Wide Shut”)
Luc Besson (”The Messenger”)
Michael Mann (”The Insider”)
Frank Darabont (”The Green Mile”)

Now to the meat and potatoes of the program.

Honorable Mention

“Bringing Out The Dead”
“Notting Hill”
“American Beauty”
“Blast From The Past”
“Payback”
“True Crime”

10. “The Mummy”

Without a doubt this is the movie that ranks as the most fun from the year gone by. Brendan Fraser is perfectly cast as the yutz who has to lead a contingent of naive Brits to the promised land of Hamunaptra. This was a film that I did not expect much of initially. Hell, the first time I saw it was at the Budget Theater! Since then it has grown on me. I find myself liking it more and more with each viewing. For me, that is reason enough to sneak it into my top ten.

9. “The World Is Not Enough”

Forget what you heard about Denise Richards as the Nuclear Engineer, or whatever else you may have heard that detracted from this film. Simply put: It is one of the best Bond films of all time. I would confidently place it in my Top Three alongside “Thunderball” and “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”. This provides all of the things we expect of Bond and takes them to another level at the same time. The boat chase during the pre-credit sequence easily ranks as the best action sequence of the year, if not the decade. On top of this, Brosnan finally seems to feel at home in the role of 007. He delivers one-liners with the same sort of non-chalantness that Sean Connery did. Plus Denise can practice fusion with me any time she wants.

8. “Being John Malkovich”

You wanna talk about originality. Hmmm….Let’s make a movie that revolves around people taking trips into John Malkovich’s mind 15 minutes at a time. Hell we’ll even sell passes! That is what you have in store for you if you take the trip that is “Being John Malkovich”. John Cusack and Cameron Diaz are barely physically recognizable in their roles as husband and wife. Completely original and blatantly hilarious, “Being John Malkovich” is a sure fire winner. I can’t remember the actor’s name, but he is the guy who plays Cusack’s senile boss. Anyway, that dude is hilarious, especially in the scene when he is lamenting the fact that his piss is orange from drinking too much carrot juice. Keep an eye out for him.

7. “The Green Mile”

I remember sitting alongside Dale as he cried like a baby for the last hour of this film. As I sat there I thought about how great the film must be to have that profound of an affect on someone. It did not touch me in quite the same way, but I did find it to be quite gripping nonetheless. Frank Darabont has outdone himself with this film. It’s a shame he doesn’t make more films, but at least when he does, he makes them of the utmost quality. All of the performances are done with an air of authenticity that lends a great amount of credibility to the story being told. Finally the scene of the failed electrocution was one of the most impactful scenes I have ever seen. Not for the faint of heart. That is a certainty.

6. “Cradle Will Rock”

Wow! What a pleasant surprise of a film this turned out to be. Tim Robbins once again proves himself to be one of greatest talents Hollywood has to offer with this directorial offering. It is the story of the play The Cradle Will Rock and the events surrounding it’s wayward path to being performed. The opening shot in this film is incredible, as it is one long take that lasts for seven minutes! Apparently Robbins was taking notes while on the set of Robert Altman’s “The Player”. The performances are all top shelf with notables being John Turturro, Hank Azaria and Emily Watson. Brilliantly filmed and masterfully put together “Cradle Will Rock” is a pure delight to behold. I felt compelled to stand up and applaud after the rousing conclusion to this film, even in the privacy of my own basement. Yes, it’s that good.

5. “Election”

What’s not to love about this film? You have the always adorable Reese Witherspoon playing the equally enviable and unbearable go-getter known as Tracy Flick. Matthew Broderick as Mr. McAllister, the teacher who gets a little too involved with the proceedings. A host of others round out the delightful cast of this witty little dark comedy that went largely unnoticed by the filmgoing community. Now you can make amends by going out and renting the number one comedy of 1999. For those of you who do, I foresee uncontrollable fits of laughter in your future.

4. “The Insider”

This movie really shocked me. As I said in my review, it’s one of those films that everybody told me was great, but I just really didn’t care at the time. Then the DVD came out, so twenty dollars left my wallet and the rest is history. Wow was the only word that came to mind after seeing this the first time. Shortly thereafter a whole question entered my mind: “What was I thinking?” Truly a film that needs to be seen to be believed. Russell Crowe sinks so deep into the character of Jeffrey Wigand that I am still trying to figure out how he got out in time to become General Maximus in “Gladiator”. Even Pacino is great for a change. He took a break from the overacting school to put together a performance worthy of his reputation. There is actually a moral center to his character for a change. It seems Michael Mann has a knack for bringing the best out of Pacino. First “Heat” and now “The Insider”. Every performance is dead on. Christopher Plummer is great, as is Diane Venora, and the list goes on and on. A beautiful film to watch. “The Insider” sinks the hooks in early and doesn’t let go until the final credits role.

3. “Eyes Wide Shut”

Thank goodness this wasn’t “Barry Lyndon” although to some people it exists in the same abyss, as the aforementioned. This film was sold as practically a late-night “Skinemax” feature by the media, when in reality it is a complex psychological study of the trust that exists in marriage and what it takes to maintain it. It also shows us what can happen when the boundaries of that trust are crossed. Visually this film is mesmerizing, as it languishes in a dreamlike state. Actions and the consequences of those actions are put under the microscope throughout the course of the film with the viewer left with their own interpretations and decisions to ponder as the closing credits roll. This film, along with the other constituents of the Top Three, had me locked me in so well that I found myself bolted into my seat as the credits came to an end. To me that is the mark of great filmmaking. Bravo Stanley. Thank you for one last showing of brilliance on your part. I will treasure it always.

2. “The Messenger”

Another film that took a lot of undo shit is “The Messenger”. I found this to be a truly captivating filmgoing experience. Luc Besson truly knows how to appeal to the viewer’s eye. The visuals in this film are so beautiful that mere words cannot describe them. In the past, I often said that I would give the award for cinematography to “Magnolia”, but now, after much reflection, I think that “The Messenger” is the one film truly deserving of such an honor. It is like watching a work of art come to life before your very eyes. Ms. Jovovich is spellbinding in the role of Joan. She has never had to show much range previously in her acting career, but with this performance she shows that she has all the necessary intangibles. She presents a depiction of a real life historical character (a very conflicted, strong-willed character) and breathes life into Joan, as she nails the performance to perfection. The only flaws this film may have are in the area of humor that is oftentimes misplaced, but after you watch the movie a couple of times you don’t even notice it anymore. This is one of the few films that actually brings me to tears. Powerful filmmaking to say the least.

1. “Magnolia”

Where do I begin? This movie is a tour de force of perfection in filmmaking. Not a single moment in this movie is flawed. Every last frame is captivating and meaningful. Every performance is sheer perfection. If there were a way to give out little gold guys to the entire cast, I would do it. Since I cannot do that, I will at least mention their names to give them some sort of recognition. Jason Robards as Earl Partridge, Phillip Baker Hall as Jimmy Gator, Melinda Dillon as Rose Gator, Melora Walters as Claudia Wilson Gator, William H. Macy as Donnie Smith, John C. Reilly as Jim Kurring, Julianne Moore as Linda Partridge, Henry Gibson as Thurston Howell, Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Phil Parma, Jeremy Blackman as Stanley Spector and last, but certainly not least, Tom Cruise as Frank T. J. Mackey. The stories of this motley crue of characters are masterfully woven together into a mesmerizing story of epic proportions. All of these people are having, for the most part, extremely shitty days. The sort of days we all hope we never have to go through. Director P.T. Anderson draws the maximum amount of emotion from his story by drawing out the tension in every scene to it’s absolute limit, as he builds towards the most shocking conclusion I have ever seen to a film. I salute P.T. for having the balls to conclude the film in the manner that he did. I can think of no other filmmaker who would have either the guts or the vision to realize it onscreen. I also salute Tom Cruise for delivering one of the best performances I have ever seen. A performance that manages to bring me to tears due to the incredible weight and power of the performance itself. Watch the bedside scene. Tell me you aren’t moved. You can’t. How he failed to receive the little gold guy is beyond me. On a final note. Kudos go out to the cast and crew for putting together the best film that has been released in the past thirty years: “Magnolia”.

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By Dale Nauertz

1999, what a year. It was a year of remarkable highs and only a couple of lows that I can remember. It was a stunning year in the world of cinema, I don’t think anyone will dispute me on that. We saw a great many wonderful things, a great many movies that did something totally new and unique.

So why am I only writing about it now, you might ask. And it’s a good question. After all, most people had their lists out about nine months ago. Well, I wanted to make sure that I gave everything a decent shot. I wanted to make sure that I had it all sorted out before I put down anything definite. To make sure that I didn’t kick myself later on for omitting something or forgetting something or for just plain being a dumbass. But I will probably be doing that at a later date anyway. It seems somehow unavoidable.

So finally, at long last and without any further ado, I shall launch right into it.

1. “American Beauty”

This movie is nothing less than mesmerizing. I still cannot watch this movie without being swept up by it and hypnotized until the last frame. The first half is hilarious. The second half is just plain amazing. Of all the great stuff of the past year, this one is still the one I come back to the most. Great score, great editing, great production design, great everything. Especially the performances of Thora Birch, Wes Bentley, Chris Cooper and to a lesser extent Peter Gallagher, Annette Bening, and Mena Suvari. And, of course, the incomparable Kevin Spacey. This movie single-handedly made me a Spacey fan. Before this movie, I thought he was good, but very overrated. The internet hype, after all, is immense on him. I never saw “Seven”, I thought his performance in “The Usual Suspects” was good but not great, and I thought Dennis Hopper would have been a better Hopper in “A Bug’s Life”. After this performance, however, I think he can do no wrong.

He does, indeed, rule. So does this movie. Wow.

2. “The Green Mile”

There is nothing really groundbreaking about this one. It’s just an excellent story told with immense skill. It is a beautiful bit of filmmaking, old fashioned in the best possible sense. Every actor aces it. The production design is gorgeous. The screenplay is tender yet hard. The direction could not be better. And it made me cry buckets. Frank Darabont has done it again.

3. “The Matrix”

This movie kicks ass in a way that no movie of the decade had before it. Every action sequence is mind-blowing, no matter how often I see it. The acting isn’t award caliber, but it’s well suited to the material and it has some subtlety to it. But the greatest thing about it is that it is an action movie with a brain and some muscle. It is a sleek and well-made thrill machine that is actually thought provoking. One of the best sci-fi movies I have seen. Every frame of the movie is interesting, the editing is very good and the bad guys, even though they are just computer programs, are very menacing characters with some neat underlying things going on. Rarely do all these things blend so beautifully.

4. “Being John Malkovich”

Absurd, daring, hilarious. Again, a triumph of acting, writing and pure imagination. One of the best comedies of the Nineties. It’s the sort of movie where you find new laughs every time you watch it. And Malkovich proves himself the best of sports.

5. “Magnolia”

One of those great films that gets better and reveals new layers each and every time you see it, “Magnolia” was robbed of lots of nominations. Hell, at the end of last year, I probably wouldn’t have even put it in my top ten (even though I did like it) but now, well, it definitely grows on you. Startling, brainy, complex yet it never loses you. Filled to the brim with remarkable performances and wonderful twists and turns. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tom Cruise, Jason Robards, Philip Baker Hall, Jeremy Blackmore, Melora Walters, John C. Reilly, the list is endless when you are naming off the great performances of this film. An awesome spectacle and a true calling card that there is a new cinematic genius in town. And, I suspect, PT Anderson’s best film is still ahead of him.

That’s what makes me really excited.

6. “Election”

Unfairly ignored by the public, this witty, dark little satire never fails to make me laugh, and hard. The simple way that Matthew Broderick gets deeper and deeper over his head always makes me howl, as does the beautifully bitchy performance of Reese Witherspoon, who I will never look at the same way again. And the sad thing? High school was exactly like this.

7. “Three Kings”

Ballsy, daring, go-for-broke cinema. George Clooney is our generation’s answer to Steve McQueen: a cool guy whose smooth facade hides the fact that he is one hell of an actor. If you haven’t seen this one yet, you’re in for a treat. A movie that manages to make you laugh, make you think and make you squirm with discomfort all at the same time. Bold stuff.

8. “Iron Giant”

The bittersweet story of a boy who befriends a giant robot. It has subtle humor where other kid movies have fart jokes, it has real emotion where other kid movies have sap, and it has more power in it than most of the year’s real-life movies. Why parents didn’t flock to this one in droves is beyond me.

9. “The Sixth Sense”

The year’s biggest surprise. I was expecting…well, nothing. And yet I got a movie that is surprising, even shocking, yet more than just a movie with a neat twist at the end thanks to the subtle work of Bruce Willis and the astounding work of Haley Joel Osment (I see gold people in this kid’s future), not to mention the awesome screenplay and assured direction of M. Night Shyamalan. And it all makes sense on a second viewing too!

10. “Fight Club”

Talk about a movie that gets better every time you see it. First time I saw this movie, I was pissing on its bones. Yet something about it stuck with me and now I watch it more than I ever thought I would. The second biggest twist of the year, the darkest of satires (and one of the year’s funniest) and damned if it doesn’t make you think. And I think Edward Norton deserved a nomination for his droll portrayal of a man so pissed off that even HE doesn’t know it.

Best Actor
1. Kevin Spacey (”American Beauty”)
2. Russell Crowe (”The Insider”)
3. Edward Norton (”Fight Club”)

Best Actress
1. Julia Roberts (”Notting Hill”)
2. Franke Potente (”Run, Lola, Run”)

Honorable Mention Movies:
“Notting Hill”
“Run, Lola, Run”
“Bowfinger”
“Arlington Road”
“The Insider”

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By Dale Nauertz

There is a man in a white tux. He walks into a bar, glances nonchalantly at his watch, makes eyes with a dancer, and something explodes. Everyone else in the bar runs out to see what has happened. He stands still at the bar, doing something with his eyebrows that is subtly too cool for words.

His name is Bond, James Bond. And if any mere mortal man could muster the amount of cool that Sean Connery shows in this one scene, we would never have to worry about trying to get a date ever again. We would also, I venture, be able to die happy men.

There is something unmistakably cool about the man, no matter who plays him. The men who play him must be chosen for their good looks, their suave nature, their amount of chest hair (seems to be part of the equation) and, above all, their utter coolness. Bond is the man that we would all love to be: a chick magnet, owner of a really cool car, an arsenal of gadgets at his command. He also can save the world without even getting his hair messed up. This is why he has survived the decades while other movie series have fallen by the wayside. This is the reason he still endures. He is not a man, he is our modern myth, a larger than life figure, just a couple steps below Superman. And we can always count on him to deliver two hours or so of astoundingly fun entertainment. Another amazing thing about the man: in all these years, he has never given us a bad movie.

Although “The Man With the Golden Gun” was pretty close.

So, in honor of the release of several of his films on DVD, I have taken this opportunity to compile the list of my personal favorite Bond films. These are the best of the best, the cream of the crop as far as I am concerned. They are the reasons that I am a Bond nut, even after all these years.

1. “From Russia With Love”

The best of the best. Connery is in top form here, cooler than ever. The story is one of the series’s best: a wild concoction of intrigue, danger and suspense, with a little romance and globe-trotting thrown in for good measure. It has Bond’s best villain: the burly, enigmatic Grant (played to steely perfection by a young Robert Shaw). It has the most easy to follow plot, it has a marvellous match of wits and muscles between Bond and his adversary aboard the Orient Express, and it does all this without the usual over-the-top touches that the Bond movies are sometimes guilty of. It also has the most satisfying ending of any Bond film. A classic in every sense of the word.

2. “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”

Although you rarely hear about him, George Lazenby steps very nicely into the role of James Bond. He exudes the coolness of Connery, yet he also allows you a glimpse into the mind of 007 that hasn’t quite been done since. Diana Rigg is the best of the Bond girls, and it is easy to see why Bond would want to stop his bed-hopping ways and settle down with her. She can drive, she can flirt, she can match wits with a supervillain. Who wouldn’t want to marry this woman? Telly Savalas also takes the role of Blofeld (the unseen, cat-loving psycho) and manages to put his own unique and graceful stamp on it. As Telly plays him, Blofeld is almost a match for Bond in the coolness catagory. And the ending will break your heart. Humor, wit, chemistry between Bond and his lady, a remarkable villain, one of the best ski chases ever filmed, and moments that will actually touch your heart. An amazing film. (A+, by the way).

3. “Goldfinger”

Connery shows up twice on this list, although that shouldn’t be a surprise. This one boasts the most memorable moments of any Bond film: the laser beam between the legs, the woman smothered in gold paint, Oddjob throwing his deadly hat and, of course, the meeting of Bond and Pussy Galore. The villain’s plot is ingenius (although we don’t really understand why he is showing it to these guys when he just plans to kill them in ten minutes anyway) and the Bond theme is used just enough to make things interesting. The only downside to this movie is the ending. The method in which Goldfinger is done away with is a bit of a letdown, but there is still more than enough to recommend this as mandatory viewing for any Bond fan or for those who want to be.

4. “For Your Eyes Only”

Roger Moore finally sinks into the role of 007 and shows us a bit of what is going on inside Bond’s head. We see true anger from him many times, as well as true regret and maybe even love. Not only that, but the action sequences are pure dynamite. Bond does not rely on the gadgets in this one, but rather he uses his wit and ingenuity to escape from every danger. And the part where he is rock-climbing to infiltrate the evil fortress will have you on the very edge of your seat. I guarantee it.

5. “Tomorrow Never Dies”

Brosnan is my second favorite James Bond and this movie is every reason why. He has the pure animal magnetism of Connery, the wit and dry humor of Roger Moore at his best, and the emotional range of Lazenby. If Connery had not already invented the role and made it his own, then Brosnan would be the best. The villain may be a bit too over the top, but other than that there is nothing wrong with this entry in the Bond series. His car is one of the best, the stunts and action are sensational and the villain’s dastardly plot is relevant to this day and age. All the planets are not quite aligned here, but it’s still one of the most entertaining spectacles that Bond has ever provided.

And there you have it. The five Bond films that you absolutely, positively have to rent, in my opinion. And, if at all possible, watch them on DVD. With the extras, the commentaries, the special features, and the documentaries you will have so many gadgets at your disposal that you might feel a little like, well, Bond.

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