1980 / 111 Minutes / PG
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

If you absolutely, positively have to watch a big-budget sci-fi movie made specifically to capitalize on the surprise success of “Star Wars”, watch “Flash Gordon”. Truly, accept no substitutes.

(more…)

1997/ 129 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

I’m thinking about doing a series of articles on films that actually deliver the popcorn movie goods, without going back to the usual suspects and legitimate classics (i.e. “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “Star Wars”, “Jaws”, etc.). Now, before you all get too excited, you must realize that I am probably too lazy to stick with such a thing, and I may have trouble thinking of enough movies that fit the requirements I would impose on such a subject. For one thing, the movie has to have plenty of explosions. Secondly, it needs to have characters that you actually care about. Third, it has to have something that clearly distinguishes itself from all the other blockbuster and wannabe blockbuster dreck. And, of course, it must be fun.

(more…)

2007 / 130 Minutes / PG-13
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

A car inexplicably hangs upside down inside an elevator shaft. John McClane and a sexy, ninja computer hacker struggle inside as the car slips further down the shaft, tangled in wires, inch by inch. It is only near the end of this sequence, just before the car careens down the shaft, that we see the car’s rear wheel wedged on a metal support piece.

That single description should illustrate what is wrong with this latest entry in the “Die Hard” franchise.

(more…)

2007 / 129 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

To most guys, “Knocked Up” will be more terrifying than “The Exorcist” and “Hostel” combined. An affable loser (played with lazy grace by Seth Rogen) goes to a club and hooks up with a beautiful woman far out of his league. One beer leads to another and Seth ends up knocking boots with this hottie (and Katherine Heigl is most definitely a hottie). So far, so good. It’s like the start of “Hostel” where this dude in Amsterdam tells the guys about the superhot babes with lax morals just waiting to hump Americanos in Eastern Europe. Then however, comes the part with the saw blades and the eyeballs: the hottie ends up pregnant. Now our affable stoner faces a moral conundrum: does he support this beautiful career woman or does he bail? And how does a man with little forward direction in his life deal with such a scenario? Does he retire the bong? Does he get a real job and learn to grow up? Do they have to get married now?

(more…)

2007 / 168 Minutes / PG-13
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

Now this is more like it.

The original “Pirates”, you may remember, was one of those films that I hyped to the moon upon initial reviewing, not unlike the original “Spider Man”. I loved it. It was a breath of fresh air in a summer filled with the stock car chases, explosions and superheroes. At last, here was a summer movie I hadn’t been watching in one form or another every summer for the past ten years. It was distinctive, unique and, above all, fun. Perhaps I overrated it, but it has held up better than “Spider Man”, another film I personally overrated (sorry, Spidey). Personally, I’d rather see sword fights and cannon battles than speeches about responsibility. “Spider Man” is probably a better movie, but the original “Pirates” is infinitely more fun.

(more…)

2007 / 121 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

I had always thought the love of action movies was a decidedly American thing. But the existence of “Hot Fuzz” proves me wrong. Then again, why shouldn’t British people and all other people, for that matter, enjoy the brand of mayhem that American film studios seem especially great at serving up? The French produce a lot of kinky, sex-filled films about relationships. The British produce a lot of handsomely mounted costume dramas (and, truth be told, bizarre, off-the-cuff comedies). India loves making musicals. America’s number one cinematic import has always involved car chases and things blowing up real good. But, when you stop to think it over, it makes perfect sense. Who doesn’t enjoy the occasional explosion? Some nation had to fill that niche.

(more…)

2007 / 99 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

According to many sources, the movie “Pathfinder” was completed over a year ago and has been sitting on a studio shelf ever since. Well, it should have stayed on the shelf even longer. It’s tragic that we live in a world where the missing footage from Orson Welles’s “The Magnificent Ambersons” has never been found but wherein someone apparently found this piece of Viking-related shit, dusted it off and decided it warranted a national release.

(more…)

2007 / 191 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

The way I understand it, back in the Seventies there were crappy little movie theaters that did nothing but play exploitive B-movies and gory horror films. The films were usually in horrible shape (scratches, frames missing, bad sound, etc.) and the theaters weren’t much better (sticky floors, seats falling apart, dilapidated screens, located in a rough part of town, etc.). These theaters were called grindhouses and, I take it, existed mainly in urban areas. The rural areas had their own equivalent: the drive-in. If they would have called this movie drive-in, the basic idea would have been the same.

(more…)

2006 / 120 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

“Pan’s Labyrinth” is NOT a children’s film. Most reviews I’ve seen of this film make mention of this fact, but it still bears repeating. Do not take your children to this film unless you want them to have nightmares so intense that years of therapy will be required to erase them…unless, of course, your child is like my own sister. She could sit through ANYTHING and not be fazed. Seriously. I was five years older than her and there was stuff that freaked me out that didn’t have any effect on her. Then again, it’s entirely possible that I was far too sensitive as a child and, frankly, a complete wuss.

(more…)

2006 / 151 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

I’ve seen “The Departed” at least twice now (some of it three times) and I’m glad that I did not review it before now. On my initial viewing of Martin Scorsese’s latest opus, I thought it a brilliant masterpiece on a par with the director’s best work. Perhaps this was because 2006 was a fairly lean year, cinematically, and compared to most of the crap that I had sat through I was so blown away by such a competent piece of work. Seeing it again, however, in the comfort of my own home…I am confident of its competence but no longer so sure of its brilliance.

(more…)